Failing forward

Don't interfere with good people's lives;don't try to get the best of them.

No matter how many times you trip them up,God-loyal people don't stay down long; soon they're up on their feet,while the wicked end up flat on their faces.

Proverbs 24:15-16

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

Unknown

Beautiful people in Blogville, I am overwhelmed by the love and care you have shown. I keep coming back to read the comments and they make me smile. I don't know what to say except Thank you. Thank you for the encouragement and thanks for the prayers. To think that I almost deleted this blog, well the story continues.

Hmm, failing forward. Over the past few months, I have experienced a wave of emotions. Breaking up is very similar to mourning, there is denial, there is anger, there is guilt, there is depression and sadness, mixed with a lot of tears before coming to a place of acceptance. I really don't know what I would do without having Jesus in my life. My God who is my refuge in the storm, it is true what the word says about Him giving us a peace that passes all understanding. Some days I feel as if I'm watching a movie and what has happened was to someone else and not me.

I would say the most overwhelming feeling I had was one of failure. Yes, I've read books about failing, how everyone fails at something, how failing does not make one a failure and how Thomas Edison didn't give up on the light bulb after x amount of attempts! I guess there's a difference between knowing a fact academically and living it out as truth. But I did feel like a failure, a very big one at that! Here I was writing a blog about preparing myself spiritually, emotionally and mentally for marriage and then we break up!.....I just wanted to stay in bed and never get out and show my face again. Failure has always been one of my greatest fears. I hate to fail, I'm not one of those super competitive types that is determined to win at all costs but I'll admit I'm one of those annoying ones in class who cries when she gets a B grade!

At a point, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I've always been a private person and I was just going through the process alone instead of reaching out to friends to pray with me and encourage me. I've learnt so much during this period, God opened my eyes to people He had brought along my path and just their presence alone sometimes just gave me that added strength to make it through the day.

I thank God for God. I may have failed at this, I admit I did make some mistakes but I am so encouraged by that Bible verse. It was like God was saying to me 'Why do you focus on when you fell and how many times you fell and how you fell and not on the fact that you are able to stand up, dust your shoulders and keep stepping? You might be injured when you fall, but remember that I am a Balm in Gilead! Focus on standing up after you fall, fail forward.'  I realised then that I'm only a failure if I allow the event to stop me from living my very best life and also if I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

 

So I chose to fail forward, to take time to God-analyse (not self-analyse anymore) the events and circumstances leading up to the break up and asking God for wisdom and guidance as to what to do next. I chose to fail forward and spend time in communion with God, to talk to Him about things and allow Him do His will in my life. I chose to fail forward to realise that my whole life did not consist of being in this relationship and while it did bring pain, it also brought joy. Also, there were so many other things that God had in store for me so I had to get out of bed, ask God for His joy to be my strength and get to stepping! I chose to fail forward and ask God for the grace to help me deal with the anger, to help me deal with the guilt, not to allow bitterness set in so my heart would be free to love the way He wants me to love.

 

The choice to fail forward is one I'm making daily now. I'm asking God for directions every step of the way as I fulfill His divine purpose for my life. His Word says that He is able to work all things together for the good of them that love Him and are called according to His purpose, that His plans for me are good to give me a future and a hope. I've always said I believed His word and now is the time to live like I do. My encouragement is that where ever you feel you have experienced failure or disappointment, just give it to Jesus. The enemy only wins when you stop, not when you fall. Stand up, dust your shoulders and get to stepping. He can give you grace to do what you thought was impossible. Fail forward!

 

XoXo

 

Esther Hadassah

Changes..

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin 

First things first, I must begin by apologising to the readers of this blog for disappearing for so long. The past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster and although I did come here from time to time. I was just unable to write anything.

When I came across the quote above, it just aptly summarised what happened to me and to us. I promised myself I would always be honest on this blog and I must admit that at a point I just wanted to delete it and start a new story, forgetting what lies behind and pressing on. However, I realise that life is a story that is made of different chapters and that even when the plot takes an unexpected twist, it doesn't mean the end of the story. My best friend always tells me that the story is never over until The Story teller writes 'The End' and I'm inclined to agree and therefore the story continues.

At this point, I and Mr O have decided not to continue with our relationship. I have prayed and I have cried but I have decided to let things be and stop fighting because even though it doesn't make a lot of sense, I believe that it is the way it should go. I think I will try and talk about what happened as I go along. I once heard a message on preventing marital failure and the first point the pastor gave on the biggest mistakes a couple can make is 'thinking it could never happen to us'. That's dangerous. He also said it's about expecting the best for your relationship while preparing for the worst. Another very important point is that although there is no way you can meet someone who thinks exactly like you because we are all unique, it is very important both partners use similar scripts or read from the same page because it helps in decision making and in conflict resolution.

I don't think there is any relationship that cannot be saved but it requires both parties being willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen. Both of us have lessons to learn but I believe there are some things that are best left to God to handle in one's life, we must accept people as they are with their strengths and weaknesses but we must also be honest. I know I overlooked some things I should have probed further and earlier as much in him as in myself. I've been asking myself some deep questions over the past few weeks, I don't claim to always have answers or always be right but I've just decided to trust God and allow Him to lead and guide me.

So I'm not really sure what direction this blog is going to take now. As a dear big sister told me, 'No matter what happens, whether you get back together or not, you have grown, you have learnt, you have loved, you are a better person for it, so don't feel like the time spent was a waste because it isn't.' I don't always agree with her but well as the Spirit leads I guess. I'm fiddling with the template for now but I'm back.

I wrote this a while ago, just expressing my thoughts going through the process. Hopefully, my next post will be a bit upbeat.

Not a day goes by

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Sometimes it's a flash of recognition

A symbol, a scent, a song

Other times a full length movie with

Changing places, changing faces

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Sometimes I smile

Held in your embrace, walking hand in hand

Other times, most times

With tears

Arguments back and forth, cold silences

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Although I lie when friends ask

Laughing as I say time heals all wounds

And that I'm moving on

When what I do everyday

is think of you

Not a day goes by

That I do not think of you

Going back in time

To plans, hopes and dreams shared

Looking ahead to a path I must take

That does not have you in it

Where we has become you and me

Not a day goes by

when I do not think of you

But now I must learn to occupy my thoughts

With truth, purity and good reports

As I focus my thoughts back on Him

Who enables me put all other thoughts in perspective

(c) Ester Hadassah

Till later,

Xoxo