Learning from the past

What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?

To make things interesting, I've decided not to answer the questions in chronological order but just as it comes. Some are very easy, requiring a simple yes/no. I've been pondering on whether I'm going to put up the answers to all twenty questions, if I do it will be a significant breakthrough but today I'm going to talk about the lessons I have learnt from the past.

Hmm, I'm 'unique' in a way that my last major relationship was my only other relationship whether major or minor! Unique because I'm in my late twenties and even my twenty one year old sister has had more boyfriends than I have! There are quite a number of reasons why things happened that way and maybe I will share these in a future post, I've always wanted to write a post titled 'Why I am still single'! Lol! One of these was that from an early age, I had a strong conviction that relationships were designed to ultimately end in marriage, so there was no point having a boyfriend just for the sake of it but the relationship should have a purpose and as I was not ready to get married, I just didn't put myself out there.

I met AN through a mutual friend, though I didn't know it was a set up at the time. Strangely enough, I had recently turned down the friend who was doing the setting up so I thought it was quite interesting that he was fixing me up with a friend of his. I should have known something was up as he was so insistent on his 'friend' dropping me home after an outing but I can be simple like that, anyway we met and had a very interesting conversation. That was a good thing about the relationship, we were on the same page on quite a number of issues. We talked about God and faith, finance and a host of things, honestly it had been a while that I had been able to connect intellectually on that level with someone for a long time, I had my longest phone conversations with AN, talking all night about everything and nothing. I even shared my list (prayer points for husband to be) with him which was a first. I was attracted to his sense of purpose and vision, his relationship with God and his commitment to his church, he was a deacon in his church and I must say this made me really relax because I'd always prayed that my husband would be more spiritually mature than me. After most conversations, we would pray, that was a first for me!

So what happened, if he was all that and a bag of chips, why and how did it end? I would love to say he did this or he did that e.t.c. but the truth is that it takes two people to tango. Relationships start with two people and end with two people. One of the things I learnt about myself in that relationship was that under my 'nice' and 'beautiful' persona was a very stubborn girl. Now, not all stubbornness is bad but sometimes in life, we need to choose our battles carefully for we may win the battle and lose the war. I know God is working in my life and making me a more mature woman today than I was then. I felt that I wasn't good enough as myself, that he had this image of what a pastor's wife should be and while I did have some of the qualities, he was determined to mold me into that image. Now while I am very conservative, I do not like to be bound to tradition, I don't do things because it's the way it's always been done, I do it because it's the most effective way. I felt we were rushing a lot, also I was uncomfortable with the pace the physical aspects of the relationship was progressing without any corresponding depth emotionally or spiritually. I thought it would be easy as a church leader to get him to understand the reason for some of my boundaries but he felt I was being too difficult and selfish.

We began to argue about everything, we both come from large families, he said he would like to have five children, I said two. Not a big deal yeah, but it was at least to him. I've never seen myself having more than two biological children but I never knew it could raise so many issues. Then the rush, rush, rush, he wanted to get married within a year of our meeting but something in me wanted to still take things slower and get to know him better. I had no peace about the relationship, we saw each other but we weren't really a part of each other's lives, I never met his friends, he never met mine, our outings were usually one on one. I think it's important to see how your nearest and dearest interact with your nearest and dearest if you get what I mean. Love is a beautiful thing but can also make you near-sighted, your friends and family can usually see what you cannot and while they love you, they are not in love and if they are true they will tell you the truth.

After some time of prayer, I had a conversation with him and explained that I felt rushed, I didn't feel our relationship had got to the point where we should be planning a wedding and could we slow down and be friends (at least that's what I meant) but his response was that if we weren't dating there was no point having a relationship as in being friends, he wasn't looking for a 'friend' and that was it. I will confess, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was all over because I was beginning to feel trapped. I did send the occasional text on his birthday and Father's day (i send a text to all my male friends, single or married because they are all either dad's or prospective dads) but don't anymore. I guess if he was writing this post he would be able to give a more balanced picture but it ended because I think we were both different in some areas where we should be similar. There are some conversations you should have before even thinking about how your name sounds with his surname! We even had an argument about grandparents having pet names for the grandchildren, to me no big deal, to him, he names his children and that's that. It's not the end of the world but you should know what the deal is before you say I do.

So while he was kind and could be really tender, he wrote me some touching texts, I now know he wasn't for me, at least not the me I was then. Maybe still not the me I am now. I don't know, in relationships, flexibility is required, it can't always be my way or the high way because one day your partner will hit the road and Jack won't come back no more because Delilah has made life very comfortable for him. I know I grew from this relationship, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I know this because the issues I had with AN didn't even reach 1/100000 of what I and Mr O have seen and had and yet I am still here. Mr O always says for better, for worse. I tell him that's when you take the vows but he says no, it's from now.

I don't believe in kissing many frogs until you find your prince, your lips just end up froggy but taking your time, making the most of opportunities and really assessing because sometimes there is a prince/princess in a frog and it takes you to bring him/her out. Relationships are hard work, not for the immature at all. We've all made mistakes, done things we aren't proud of but learn from them, grow from them and keep moving. Opposites attract but never underestimate the power of being on the same page on fundamental issues. Will tackle some of the yes/no questions in next post.

Till later,

XoXo

Questions, questions, questions!

Wow, today was really interesting. So we got there and we introduced ourselves to Pastor D, he asked us how long we had been in the relationship for and what our plans were. He also told us that we would be having about eight to ten sessions with him and would be covering a lot of areas like the role of husband and wife, finance, communication, sex e.t.c and to prepare ourselves for FULL DISCLOSURE so we shouldn't be surprised when some certain things came up. He asked if we had informed our parents about the relationship and we responded in the affirmative. He then gave us a form to fill. It was like four pages long! I was like..wow! Apart from the regular background information, these are a few questions I can remember,

• Blood group and genotype
• Which parent were you closer to?
• How many siblings do you have?
• Are there any medical conditions that could affect your partner?
• Have you ever had an abortion?
• List 15 (yes 15) reasons why you want to marry this person?
• Are you born again?
• What was your experience of salvation?
• What do you understand by marriage?
• Did your parents have a good, average or poor marriage?
• What are your marital goals and how do you hope to achieve them?
• Where did you meet your partner?
• What are your thoughts on joint accounts for finance?
• What are your parents religious background?

If I remember the others, I will update the post. It took us almost an hour, see me thinking as if I was preparing for A' Levels! After skimming through our forms, he made one or two comments about some things we had written like Mr O's parents are separated and he just asked a few questions about that. Just before he left, he asked Mr O, so why Esther? He then posed the same question to me? I just realised now that neither of us used the word love! Interesting! We spent so much time writing answers although I would have really loved to read what his 15 reasons for wanting to marry me were!

Anyway, we've booked about 8 more appointments from July all the way to November, well there's no rush, we're not planning on getting married this year anyway, this year is about preparation and setting a solid foundation. My church is very big and I'm surprised my pastor still takes time to meet all couples intending to get married on a one to one basis. God bless him. So that's it, more updates as they come. It was really interesting!

Yummy recipes

As I prepare to be a Mrs, I want to try and cover all fronts; necessary for a balanced life methinks. Just a few recipes I've 'stolen' from the internet, I'm trying to be more adventerous in the kitchen. I'll give credits later but acknowledge that none of this recipes are mine. Feel free to try them out.

Xoxo.

Vegetarian Lasagna
You need:

Onions (1 1/2 - 2 large ones)
Garlic
Bay leaves
Tinned tomatoes (or real ones) 3 cans
Double concentrate tomatoes
Cinnamon
1 maggi cube (stock cube?)
Eggplant (2)
Olive oilCheese1)

First slice the eggplant into as thin slices as possible. Spread a little salt over each slice and let them rest for 30 minutes. This will drain some of the water out. After 30 minutes, put them in the oven with a little oil on 200 degrees C for about 15-20 minutes.

2)Whilst doing this, make the sauce. Start by cutting onions into tiny pieces, fry them with garlic in olive oil. Depends how much you like garlic, but at least 2-3 of them. Mix in 3-4 table spoons of double concentrate tomatoes and the maggi cube. Let it fry for a little bit. Add the tinned tomatoes, bay leaves and cinnamon. It's hard to explain how much, just let it look ok and taste along the way! When you put too much, you'll end up with a too bitter taste. Something that could help for this is add a teaspoon or two of sugar and some more tomatoes. Let this sauce simmer for like 1 hour but TASTE along the way to make sure its good!

3)Lay the slices of eggplant in the bottom of a casserole , just like you would with a lasagna. Layer with the sauce. Then repeat. Put sauce on the top, and some swiss cheese or something.

4) Put it in the oven for 20-30 minutes 200 degrees celcius. Delicious! Can be served with brown rice, sweet potatoes or ordinary potatoes. Really good with tzatziki too.This is how you make tzatziki: Grater half a cucumber into some plain low fat yoghurt, squeeze one garlic into it.Yes - I know garlic gives bad breath but whatever. it IS healthy.Last tip I have - Always try to make your salads as dark green as possible. Contains way more vitamins and nutrition. Spinach leaves works just fine and are very healthy.

Plantain vegetable stew
Awesome way to eat boiled plantain. Add tomatoes, vegetables (spinach), seasoning (like u r cooking stew), and chop the plantain in cubes. It is very, very yummy. Even the one made with green plantain.

Vegetable soup

Ingredients
3 sticks of celery , sliced
2 baking potatoes, diced
1 small/medium onion, diced
1/2-1 leek, sliced
4 small/medium tomatoes, chopped
2 carrots, sliced
1 vegetable stock in 600-800ml hot water
A large pot/pan

Method
1.Put all the vegetables in a pan to fry briefly for a few minutes.

2.Once the vegetables start to steam, add stock and salt.

3.Bring to boil then simmer with a lid on for about 30 minutes or until vegetables are soft.

4.Add pepper if desired and enjoy.
Serves: 2-4
Preparation time: 30 mins
Cooking time: 30-40 mins


Leek and potato soup recipe
Ingredients
Onion, chopped ?
1Leeks, chopped ?
3Large potatoes, chopped ?
2300ml veg or chicken stock
300ml semi skimmed milk
50ml dry white wine
Salt and pepper

Making Method
1. Put all of the vegetables, milk and stock into a large saucepan and bring to the boil.? Simmer on a lower heat for around 25 minutes.
2. Puree in a food processor or blender until it is all smooth.
3. Get a fresh pan and pour in the mixture, add the seasoning and the wine.? Heat soup through.
4. Serve immediately.
Serves: 4Total Preparation Time: 5 minutesTotal Cooking Time: 30 minutes

Chicken noodle soup

Ingredients
900ml chicken stock
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast,
about 175g/6oz1 garlic clove , finely chopped
1tsp fresh root ginger (chopped)
2 shredded spring onions
50g rice or wheat noodles
2 tbsp sweetcorn2-3 thinly sliced mushrooms
2 tsp soy sauce , plus a little extra for serving
mint or basil leaves
shredded chilli

Method
1. Pour the chicken stock into a medium sized pan, add the chicken, garlic & ginger and then bring to the boil. Once boiling reduce the heat, partly cover and allow to simmer for around 20 mins, the chicken will go tender during this time. After 20 mins is up take out the chicken and using a fork shred it into small bit sized pieces.
2. Place the chicken shred back into the stock with the noodles, corn, half the spring onion, mushrooms and the soy sauce. Simmer for around 4 mins until the noodles are soft and tender. Using a ladle pour the soup into two bowls and sprinkle the remaining onions, herbs and chilli shreds over each bowl.
Serves: 4Preparation time: 10 mins Cooking time: 30 mins

The recipes look simple enough, I've never cooked from a recipe before so I'm looking forward to it. Will be back to share on the experience!

Preparation

A definition of prepare is to put in proper condition or readiness. To put in proper condition, that means preparation actually comes before doing something. I prepare to go out, I prepare for my presentation, for my exam e.t.c. These days I have been asking myself serious questions. Questions like Am I preparing for life? To be a wife and mother, to be an employee and a business owner and if I am preparing, how am I preparing? Am I preparing in the right way? As a child of God, I believe that God has created me for a specific purpose and I need to rely on His guidance to see me through in my life.

To be successful in any endeavour in life, one must be prepared. Woe to an army whose enemy finds them unprepared for battle. At this point in my life I feel like I am in preparation for so many things. I'm preparing for the next phase of my career, to start a business and also to be a Mrs (this is heavy!) but by the grace of God, I will choose to depend on His wisdom to see me through because so many problems and issues can be avoided if only one was prepared.

I and the man I love, like and am in love with (Mr O) have recently started premarital counselling. Like I said, no official proposal yet but we know where we are going and I think it's better to start now to start putting a solid foundation in place. I would recommend it for people in serious relationships even before you get engaged because some issues crop up in counselling that make you think hmmm..I'd never considered that before! I will be sharing what I am learning there and the impact that it is making in my life and our relationship. I love what the pastor taking the class said "This is a life class, it's not just about marriage because the principles you will learn here can be applied to other areas of your life".

I want to be prepared, like a tennis player always on the balls of their feet, ever ready to apply lethal force to that ball when it gets to their court, what about you?