On days like this

On days like this

It hurts to have you around

It hurts to have you far away

It hurts to speak to you

It hurts to keep quiet

It hurts to say the truth

It hurts to tell lies

It hurts to hold on

It hurts even more to give up

It hurts to do what is right

It hurts to do wrong

Everything just hurts

Today I have been musing on the storms of life and how they come to reveal things for what they really are. If I say I have a strong foundation, the storm will prove the veracity of my words. As a couple I and Mr O have faced, face and will continue to face different storms but our survival will continually depend on what we build our relationship with. I think good has come from facing crisis, I know what he does when he faces the challenges of life but the question I repeatedly ask myself these days is whether I can sign on to a forever of the man he is today or if I secretly wish that he will change in some areas. I recently made a promise to myself to always be honest at least to myself. I hear a voice tell me that love covers a multitude of sins, I don't want to listen to that voice for I recognise the source, at least not today but I have to don't I. Thank you Lord.

This is just to encourage anyone reading that sometimes relationships hit rough patches, before you get married and I guess after as well. Just as I don't believe in the 'D' word (divorce) i'm always hesitant to use the 'B' word (break-up) but before you do accurately assess what you are signing up for. It's one thing to know that imperfections exist yet another to wake up to those imperfections each morning. I'm at a low point but I think I just need to sit with my Daddy for a while on this one. Should be back soon, just wanted to share there are days like this...

Oh well!! We're still learning

So we didn't really have a great weekend. I'd really missed Mr O, because I'm more of a quality time love language person when we don't make time to see I start feeling somehow. I tried to communicate this to him, maybe not in the best of ways. Sometimes in trying to pass a point across, it comes off as being accusatory and so his response really UPSET me big time. God is good, I have learnt to stop reacting to situations but rather respond to them. I kept quiet where on a good day, I could give you double for your trouble!!Lol!

During the course of the weekend I spoke to my mentor (thank God for mentors!!) and she said something that made me see everything in a very different light!! I got a new perspective on how I filter situations through my paradigm and how a lot of times there's a difference between how I feel or think about something and the truth about that something. There is no space for self-centredness in a love story. It's about you, we and us and not me, me, me. I'll be honest, I still posed a bit (I believe this is a lady's prerogative just don't pose too much sha!!).

So we apologised, the situation didn't change, but we changed and we're both happy. In fact, I am very happy, Mr O just called and he's booked me an appointment for a facial at Clarins! Yay! Totally unexpected and out of the blue. I'm learning to understand his own language, oh yes I am!! So in summary what I've learnt is;

• Always communicate how you feel, sometimes it's better for the words to come out wrong than to say nothing at all
• Having said that, try your best not to come across as accusatory, use I more than you..I feel, I think e.t.c.
• Accept the fact that the other person might do something that makes you angry, even very angry but try to respond and not react, don't make a bad situation worse, if you didn't say anything no-one can point at what you said
• Also accept the fact that sometimes things will not be what you term ideal, remember ideal is a subjective word; your ideal might not be his/her ideal
• Remember that no matter what happens, you love the person and love covers a multitude of sins

Ok, that's my two cents today. Next update should be what happened in Pastor D's office!

XoXo

Needing you without being needy

I just finished reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating", it's a nice book, one that can be read at any stage of a relationship and even better before embarking on a relationship. The first commandment is titled "Thou shalt get a life", sometimes single people become so focused on wanting to have a partner that they freeze the rest of their life, waiting for Mr/Miss Right to show up so they can resume the process of living. I know before I got into this relationship, I had my phases when I had no life but thankfully they were short and far between as I realised that I couldn't really know when I would be in a relationship, so no use waiting before doing some certain things so I told God, I was going to start doing my things and enjoying myself.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend, she was telling me about a business idea that she had for a while and it was really interesting because from the sound of it, to me it seemed like this was what she had been born to do. As our conversation drew to a close, she commented that she would start the business when she got married. I was surprised, as in what does marriage have to do with it, she said well, if she had to leave her job it would be good to have the cushion of another income, presumably her husbands'.


I understand that may make sense on the surface but girlfriend was not even in a relationship at the time, so when will this dream come to fruition exactly, my point is I felt she was looking for an excuse for not taking the risk that comes with launching into the deep, not that I blame her but I asked myself what I had been subconsciously delaying while waiting for Mr Right and what my expectations of marriage were. Someone to pay the cable bills while I sort out the phone bills, someone to split the rent with, someone to have children with (at a point in my life, this was my only reason for getting married, I had lost faith in what I call the M word, marriage!)


Selwyn Hughes says that the greatest obstacle to Christian marriage is "when one expects to have their basic personal needs met by their partner". He isn't saying your partner should not fulfill some needs but not your basic needs. These basic needs are self-worth, security and significance. I have to start asking myself some questions? What do I really need from Mr O? Friendship, companionship, affirmation, does my sense of worth stem from the relationship I have with him? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship has become an idol in my life. I know relationships need to be nurtured but I worry that I'm spending so much time horizontally and not focusing enough on my vertical relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I think the issue doesn't stem so much from the fact that we shouldn't love our partners but we should love nothing and no one more than God. This week, I had a long talk with God about priorities, prioritising God above all else. It's just hard sometimes, keeping everything in balance especially as God is not someone I can call up on the phone or go round to visit or go to the movies with, funny isn't it how I forget so easily that He is always here. I'm learning about practicing the presence of God.


I've always believed we should need our partners, after all why are we in relationships? I need Mr O's humour, calmness, support and rational approach to things to help me with my often harried lifestyle. It's just that fine line between needing someone and being a needy person. I see a needy person as someone that can't do without their partner. Pastor encourages couples to say to each other, "I can live without you (pause for effect) but I choose not to". I think that sums it up, we don't hold on so tightly to a person like we can't breathe if they aren't there. Aloted did a nice post on this here. I know I have a tendency to be clingy but sometimes to combat that I go to the other end of the spectrum, being totally aloof! Lol, help me Lord to live a balanced life.

Now, I'm aware of this, my prayer is for GOD to teach me about balance in all that I do and I'm sure keeping Him in the first position in my heart is a good place to start. Funny, how this post turned out, this wasn't how or even what I intended to write about but it's all good.

Till next time,

XoXo

What are you saying? Communication is key..

To me, communication is a bedrock of a relationship. If everything rises and falls on leadership as John Maxwell says, relationships thrive or wilt depending on how partners communicate. I looked up the word communicate on dictionary.org and came up with the following definitions/descriptions.

1.to impart knowledge of; make known: to communicate information; to communicate one's happiness.
2. to give to another; impart; transmit: to communicate a disease.
3.to give or interchange thoughts, feelings, information, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc.: They communicate with each other every day.
4.to express thoughts, feelings, or information easily or effectively.
5.to be joined or connected: The rooms communicated by means of a hallway.

So basically it's an exchange between I and Mr O, I and my mum, I and whoever I am communicating with of ideas, thoughts, feeling, information e.t.c. Pastor says that communication involves three basic principles. Talking, listening and understanding. Get these 3 right and we will save ourselves a lot of stress. He also mentioned that for communication to occur there must be a speaker, a medium through which communication goes through and the receiver and also from speaker to receiver there are certain guidelines that should be put in place before effective communication can occur.

We haven't discussed this topic in full detail and by the grace of God, I hope to share what I have learnt and how I'm practically applying what I'm learning. This is an area of great interest to me because effective communication is not one of my strongest points. I and Mr O started out as friends, as in just friends. We attended the same church and were placed in the same department to serve. Funny enough, I and his younger brother were even closer friends and I used to see him as my friends egbon..it's amazing what a few years can do to you isn't it? I always encourage my sisters, please develop relationships with people even outside of your comfort zone. He may not really seem like who you think he should be but always keep an open mind plus an open ear to God who is the one who reveals the thoughts and intents of the hearts of man!

From acquaintances to friends, to closer friends, to almost brother/sister to courtship should have been a smooth transition shouldn't it? I mean we had known each other for almost seven years before we started thinking about a 'relationship' so our foundation should have been strong and solid as a rock..yes? NO, a very big NO if I may add. Now, there are two sides to every story and unfortunately Mr O cannot come and share his side but well..maybe? A lot of issues that we had at the beginning of our relationship were in my opinion due to a lack of communication on both sides. We were both assuming (ASS-U-ME..get it!) a lot of things about the other rather than finding a way to talk through issues and importantly RESOLVE them. It's no point going back and forth over an issue when each person is trying to prove their point without it gearing towards RESOLUTION (Dang, Holy Spirit, this must be a setup so that there's somewhere to put me back in order when I go offtrack!).

When something happens, I would rather talk about it there and then and get it over with, no so with my oga, he withdraws into himself until he can find his answer and keep on stepping. I've been told this is typical of men and women. As I liked to say it then and there, I never used to take into account timing with respect to communication. There is a time to talk and a time to keep quiet the Bible says, there is also a way to talk..FG did an excellent post on this here. For good communication, one must speak, the other must listen and both must UNDERSTAND.

To prevent myself from raising my voice when I'm particularly bothered about an issue, I write it in an email, this helps me structure my thoughts as there is no way to delete a spoken word although I might add a big part of communication is non-verbal so there are some discussions better suited for face to face. There was an instance where I sent the email and was shocked, hurt, angered and really bitter about the response I received. I asked myself how Mr O could possibly read the meaning he read from the words I sent. I too sent my own missile. Isn't it funny how we throw bombs at each other and raise our hands in surprise when all around is debris!

Thank God for God in this instance, He spoke to Mr O who spoke to me kindly and tenderly. We discussed the issue, understood where the other person was coming from, which enabled us forgive each other and deepened our relationship. I must say that when the Bible says all things will work together for your good it has been true to us. From every major misunderstanding we have had (there haven't been that many!!) we have by the grace of God emerged stronger. It is only by His grace, I can't even boast. I am trying and striving to commit every area of my relationship to the One who is the author and finisher, He does not create confusion but makes everything beautiful in it's time.

I believe in terms of communication we still have some way to go but I trust God will be with us every step of the way. I am learning to think about what I say/write before doing it, also to go with God's guidance regarding timing, saying the right thing at the wrong time can sometimes come across the wrong way. I'm learning and growing. Love is a good thing and not only between a man and a woman. One of my personal favourite sayings is that relationships are mirrors through which we view ourselves. I can't wait for the next class to get some more tips for effective communication.

XoXo.

Who's in charge? Our roles in marriage

For the past two weeks, Pastor has been discussing on this topic. The issue of roles in marriage. I just discovered that Pastor is using Selwyn Hughe's Marriage as God intended as the supporting text for the classes and I got my copy this week. So far, so great! It's a wonderful book and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone whether you are just considering marriage or already married.

Anyway, back to my ponderings...roles in marriage. This can usually turn to a hot topic because usually it's the man is the head, the woman should submit e.t.c, e.t.c. As always, Pastor referred us back to the Bible which tells us that 'husbands should love their wives...let me get it straight from the apostle's mouth.

Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, Because we are members (parts) of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; Ephesians 5:28-33

Pastor taught us that the role of the husband is that of a LOVING LEADER. Not just a leader or a tyrant or the Big Boss but a loving leader. The Bible commands men to love their wives as they love themselves and as Christ loves the church. Most importantly, as he loves himself. I've come to realise that the men actually have the 'tougher' deal. How did Christ love the church? He loved her enough to shed His blood for her on calvary even when she did not acknowledge the love. This is the type of love shown by Hosea for Gomer. I don't think this type of love can actually come from one's self but from the Lord. Pastor explained how this love can be shown practically.

The husband must express his love through acts of service and acts of kindness. Dates, gifts, words of affirmation, touch, hugs kinda reminds me of the 5 love languages. He should also be willing to sacrifice for her and a sacrifice is not a sacrifice if it isn't worth something to the other person, he must be willing to keep her in high esteem and be patient with her when she makes mistakes. There's a last one I can't remember at the moment! Wow, I guess Mr O has his work cut out. I pray that he be the man that God has created him to be because this is no easy task. I and Mr O have this saying when one of us thanks the other for something that has been done. We say "It's part of my job description" so if it makes you happy, I do it because that my job!

For us the women (wives), Apostle Paul didn't forget us and although this verse has been preached in so many ways with so many responses, I got a new insight when I read Rev Hughes words on this matter. The Scripture says;

Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord...As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands...and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly Ephesians 5:22,24 and 33b

My first feeling was wow, God is this possible but if God has asked it of us, surely He must know that I will be able to do it by His strength of course. I like the way it is written in the Amplified Bible. I should adapt myself to him as a service to the Lord. God has already given us the pattern of how this submission should be. I am defining submission as an attitude in which I acknowledge the fact that my husband is the loving leader in our home. As Jesus was subject to the will of the Father and I am subject to Christ in all that I do, so my will should be subject to that of my husband. There can be no submission without love and trust. Jesus loves me this I know, I trust that whatever He asks of me is always in my best interest, this does not always mean that I willingly go in the direction, He asks of me.

Pastor said that the fact that your husband is the loving leader and you the submissive follower does not mean he just says this is it and that's that. A loving leader asks for the opinion of the one who follows because if you don't need others opinions then why did you get married in the first place. Adam needed Eve and it would be silly for him to discount her say on the matter. Pastor said that we need to get to a place where our husbands had the right on the final say in a matter.

Hmm, I know I'm not there yet but this to me buttresses the importance of the choice I am making in a life partner. It's not that I don't trust Mr O but honestly, I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can wholeheartedly say that I can trust all his decisions but then neither can I trust all my decisions either, there should be room for both of us to make mistakes. So far in our relationship, he usually tries to get my opinion on matters especially those that directly affect us. I'm not a good one with ultimatums, I was remarking this fact to a girlfriend...don't tell me "or else" because I'll come back with "or else what". I know I have some way to go before I get this submission thing but Father give me the grace and strength to walk in the attitude of submission. Help my husband to be to be a loving leader in Jesus name.

The other role of a wife is to respect her husband. Respect him...how? The Amplified Bible shows how. I know I've not perfected this yet but by the grace of God I will make a conscious effort to praise, honour, respect, reverence, admire and love Mr O. On my way home from the class I sent Mr O a text indicating I would try my best to do these and more by the grace of God and his reply made me smile.

"Madam. Thank you for being you. Your smile, voice, understanding and of course I'll respect, honour, celebrate and love you always xxxxxxx". Me thinks I must be doing some things right or what do you reckon?

He loves me, he loves me not; Understanding our love languages

I just finished reading The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. It was really an interesting read. I'd started it before but didn't finish it for some reason. It comes highly recommended because the principles it contains can be applied to all relationships and not just those of a romantic nature. I'm beginning to realise just how important this preparation, learning and growing together thing is so important in our relationship. I and Mr O are different not only in gender and background which is usually enough for some Oscar winning performances from us both but also in our love languages.

From reflecting on what I read in the book, I've come to realise my primary love language is quality time. I think I also respond very well to acts of service and words of affirmation but quality time rates very highly. I now realise that a lot of award winning drama we had at the beginning of our relationship stemmed from the fact that we were not so aware of what was appreciated as a loving gesture by the other person. I couldn't understand why Mr O would claim to love me and yet not want to spend quality time with me. By quality time I don't mean sitting somewhere while Mr O is watching the telly and I'm daydreaming (although this is how it is sometimes) but quality time where I'm laughing at his jokes or vice versa, sharing things we don't know about each other, praying together or debating about our different points of view about a particular issue. So people spending quality time with me and I with them really speaks love to me because for me time is so precious, even more than money and for you to choose to spend some of it on me really speaks volumes!

Mr O is a gift and acts of service giver. From the small to the great, he can give gifts to raise the dead. That is what he speaks, that is what he knows. So what do we do? I like gifts but because of some issues from my childhood I'd always seen a gift as an "I am sorry" gesture as opposed to an "I love you" . So while I would accept them, it just didn't seem to cut it. Later, I would feel guilty for not really appreciating what he brought to the table. I thank God for God and the Holy Spirit, believe me the Heavenly Father is the most important force for any relationship to succeed. God began to teach me about love 1st Corinthians 13 style. I'm not there yet, not even close but by His grace I know we are getting better.

From reading the book I have learnt that while it is important to learn to speak your partner's, sister's, brothers, colleague's e.t.c love language even though it is something that at first might seem foreign to you, remember love involves sacrifice i.e it might not be comfortable, it is also important as recipients of love to see the heart from which the language flows and see it for what it is presented for. Yes, I like quality time but the shirt Mr O bought and put in 'my' locker tells me that he loves me and was thinking about me at the time. Yesterday on our way back from the counselling class (so much fun!!) he gave me a packet of crisps, I don't like crisps but I ate it like it was the best thing since sliced bread. He really is very thoughtful because he saved it for me because I get so hungry after the class.

I'm trying to take the revelation into my other relationships, especially with my family. I'm trying to recognise what their love languages are and give/receive accordingly. Love is love, whether one is loving a husband (i admit this must sometimes need a special grace from on high), a friend, a sister or an employee. It requires great emotional strength. I' m learning to ask God for the grace and strength to always do right by those He has brought into my life. It is well. I'm enjoying walking and growing in love.