Barriers to Effective Communication

Our next counselling session is on the 10th of September, just wanted to pen a few thoughts on the topic given to us to work on before consulting Mr O. Communication, sex and money are three very important pillars in marital relationships, I always put communication first on the list because I think success in the other two areas depend on having effective communication with your partner.

Communication involves SPEAKING, LISTENING and UNDERSTANDING. If there are any issues in or with any of these areas then we get a breakdown in communication. A pastor told me that the most important point to remember was to 'always keep the lines of communication open'. So what are the barriers;

• Resentment and anger; the Bible says we should be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to get angry. The truth is I can be the exact opposite, I get angry quite quickly (Help me Holy Spirit) when I'm angry, I don't really want to talk to Mr O so this affects the speaking part but if we are not speaking this delays us from working at conflict resolution. I'm learning not to discuss important issues at the height of emotion i.e when I'm really upset or when I'm really happy.

• Pride (thanks Aunty Y), pride is a posture that says I'm right, I'm always right and even when I'm wrong, I'm right....hmm I wish I could say I've got this in check as well. Well, we are all a work in progress. Pride also prevents one from asking forgiveness when it is needed.

• Wrong timing; Saying the right thing at the wrong time could end up blowing in your face, I've been there, done that and have the T-shirt to show for it. I personally believe that because women tend to more intuitive, we see things coming and are always so eager to let the man in our life know but I am asking God for the grace to know when to speak and when to keep quiet. I mentioned about not discussing important issues at the height of emotion either happy or sad; this is because sometimes there are some things that just have to be said and I tend to not want to 'rock the boat' if I feel we are in a good place but I see Mr O as my best friend which means that I need to love him enough to give my 2 cents even when I know it may hurt him. I've learnt that it's not always so much WHAT is said as it is HOW it is said. Tough words given in an atmosphere of love and acceptance are usually easier to swallow, the Bible says 'better are wounds from a friend'

• Personality types: I believe that there are 4 main temperaments as described by Tim Lahaye, I'm basically a melancholic type which means I just retreat within myself and go into my monosyllable mode..yes, no, ok..Lol! This isn't a good thing because inwardly I'm seething and resentment is building, on the other hand Mr O isn't good at bringing up things for discussion, he has a more phlegmatic approach to life, with the day to day things well he can talk but for the more weighty issues he prefers to contribute his own two cents when I've raised it. I'm still not so sure this is a good thing but the whole thing about understanding personality types is knowing that we can have a Spirit controlled temperament whereby we can choose to behave in a way which we would normally not for example instead of going into my Yes vs. No mood I can remind myself that the word of God says that anger resides in the bosom of a fool and let go of it and discuss how I'm really feeling, easier said than done!

• Unresolved issues: The Bible says not to let the sun go down on our anger, to that I add if I could, to not allow too many suns go down without coming to a resolution on matters. By resolution, I don't believe we have to agree but we can agree to disagree. I and Mr O have very different opinions when it comes to weddings, rather than allowing it to be an unresolved issue, I have chosen to agree to disagree with him. When the time comes, hopefully we will come to a Win-Win agreement.

• Distractions: This is so important, I guess it ties in with right timing, I don't like it when I'm discussing something important and Mr O is not paying attention especially when it's over the phone. I'm also learning to give my total attention when my friends are speaking to me. I think it's a sign of respect.

This post was difficult to write because now I don't really have the excuse of ignorance to hide behind as I know what some of the barriers to effective communication are. I don't want to be a writer and not a doer, so what are the solutions..

• Prayer: There is nothing like it and I wouldn't leave the house without it. Prayer changes situations and people but the most interesting thing I've found is that the more I pray, the more GOD changes ME. Prayer gives me the grace and strength to do things I didn't think I was capable of.
• Staying in the word of God: The Bible is full of practical wisdom that can be applied to our lives. Solomon tells us in Proverbs that it is better to be on the roof than share a house with a nagging wife (ouch!), also isn't it interesting that Esther presented her case to the king after she had fed him (lol!), also we are reminded to love one another and be kind to one another. Jesus sometimes had strong words for his disciples..I recall him calling them dull!! but I'm sure they knew He loved them.
• Take the responsibility: Use I more often than you, I feel that as opposed to "You do this", while this doesn't mean my partner is right, I am acknowledging that I still have a role to play while making him understanding how his behaviour is having an effect on me
• Keep the lines of communication clear and open at all times: No more silent treatment, no more malice. Hmm, I confess that sometimes I do wait for him to be the first to say sorry but that's less often now than it was before so things are changing. One thing I've realised also is that 80% of the time when I'm busy rolling my eyes at the phone, he's not even aware that something is wrong! Lol!
• Seek more to understand than to be understood; This is one of the habits of Highly Effective People from Stephen Covey, this will involve the higher way of listening and understanding more than speaking. Try and understand where your partner is coming from. After meeting Dr O (Mr O's dad) I learnt a lot about why he behaved the way he did sometimes and it helped me understand where he was coming from on a lot of issues, never underestimate the role your upbringing plays on molding the person you are today! Understanding brings about tolerance.

Ok, this assignment feels more like a punishment, why isn't the right thing to do always the easiest thing, love is a spiritual thing, you can't really succeed from the natural level alone. I think I need to meditate on these words. I'll let you know how it all went.

Till later

XoXo

Roles of the husband and wife

Hi,

I've just returned from a counselling session, honestly these sessions have been so good for us. Every time I want to start acting funny, just remembering that I have to see Pastor D just puts me in check! Lol! One thing I've learnt especially this week is that when people say marriage is not for babies, it's just the gospel truth. It's easy to write about relationships, the do's and dont's but it's very difficult to live it out practically.

Pastor D gave us an assignment to write our thoughts on what our roles as husband and wife in marriage are. Trust Ms. Hadassah the writer, I went with my 1.25 pages and my darling went there with 7 sentences! We are different, we are different, we are different!

My main points were that the role of a wife was to;

• Be a submissive follower (see post on submission!)
• Help her husband by partnering with him to move towards the vision God has created them for
• Satisfy her husband's needs, spiritually, emotionally and physically
• Build her home by creating an atmosphere of peace and joy for her family and being a good steward of the resources entrusted in her care

My sweetheart has graciously given me permission to put his points on my blog (even though he doesn't know where it exists on the www) and these are;

• To love and care for my wife unconditionally.
• To provide a comfortable accommodation/shelter for my wife.
• To protect her and ensure her continuous happiness.
• To be a friend, partner and a good listener.
• To satisfy her every need (emotionally, materially and sexually).
• To always remain faithful and honest to my wife.

He then asked both of us to identify what areas would be challenging to us in effectively carrying out these roles; for me I know that submission will be an area of ongoing transformation because if truth be told, it takes a great degree of trust and dying to self to be submitted to anyone even to God. With regard to our roles in marriage, Pastor D told us to remember that husbands and wives while married to each other should see their function as all unto God.

Husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church, wives should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord..so regardless of who your spouse is or what they do, your responsibility is to stay in your role as unto the Lord. Sometimes, I feel like marriage is one of God's ways of teaching us how to really be like him! Anyway, in this way, we should both be committed to giving 100% irrespective of what the other person brings to the table. Now, that's a tall order but I guess that's why the Word says with God all things are possible.

Pastor explained to us that most people come into marriage with their own pre-conceived notions of what their roles in marriage should be. These could come from family or cultural background or previous experiences. Conflicts arise where there is no balance in the expectations both partners have. So we should go back to what the word of God says and use that as the pattern and model.

For husbands, their role can be summed up in the 4 P's, Provider, Protector, Priest and Prophet.

Provider: Financially, physically,

Protector: Being the authority in home, emotionally and physically, protect your wife from your family members by covering her weaknesses and emphasising her strengths (and vice versa for wives)

Priest: Spiritual head, should set guidance and leadership for praise, worship and prayer. No staying at home while wife and kids go to church

Prophet: Setting the vision for the home, a clear sense of direction and it is important to have a general idea of where a man is going before you agree to marry him just in case you're not interested in his destination.

So what about me..

The role of the wife is to support her husband, to be in sync with the vision of the family, this does not limit your ability as a woman to achieve your goals, remembering the Proverbs 31 woman.

Our next assignment is on the barriers to effective communication and how to overcome them, this we have to work on together...well we'll see!

Till later

Xoxo

We are different..

We are different
We are different
We are different
We are different..

Don't worry, Ms Hadassah hasn't lost her marbles...yet!! I just thought that if I could recite those three words long enough they will actually stick in my head and in my heart. Thank God that love is a journey, you can make mistakes, apologise, reflect on behaviour and change.

We had another session today, we were supposed to do a personality type test but unfortunately Pastor D could not find the forms! He asked us to state things that we liked and also what we didn't like about our partners. I said my usual things about why I love him or the reasons I want to marry him. I think it's good practice to rehearse or think about those reasons ever so often because it's so easy (or maybe it's just me) to focus on the one (or few) things people don't do well as opposed to the 101 things they do to make us happy!

I love him because he is kind, he listens, he is trustworthy, he is a great friend and more, he irons!!lol!, he's funny, he is respectful, he is posh, he encourages me and believes in me, he trusts me (sometimes too much I think), he knows me and he loves me. When I look around at some of my friends and acquaintances, I know I am blessed. Funny I just realised that he's everything that I'm not and also everything that I am as well, I wish I could explain it. Pastor D said that although opposites attract (differences) it's our similarities that keep us together, we should never allow our differences to pull us apart, rather we should work with our strengths using that to compensate for our weaknesses.

When Mr O faces some sort of issue, he prefers to draw 'into his zone', this could range anything from a few days to about 2 weeks, I've always found it difficult not because I believe people don't need space but I have a personality type that always needs to be in touch to be reassured (of what??). During these 'cave moments' there is usually no form of communication and sometimes I find it really annoying! It's funny how writing the thoughts in my head takes out their power and gives me a new perspective of things. I'm learning how to accommodate that zoning out, it has nothing to do with me, I don't like it but I can live with it.

Pastor D left us with 4 thoughts;

• You can't change anyone no matter how hard you try. You can let your thoughts about things be known to the other party but the onus is on them to realise and to change. You can pray for the other person but it's up to them to change
• Acceptance is very important in a relationship, people come 'as is', you can't take the good parts and leave the not so savoury ones. People rise to your expectations much quicker in an environment that says I love you and accept for who you are. Even if the grass is greener on the other side, they are working to keep it that way
• Emphasise strengths and not weaknesses, work together
• No matter what personality type or temperament you have, as a believer your aim is to be more like Christ, so even though naturally you might not be predisposed to do things in a certain way, ask for God's help to make you be the best for your partner even though you might need to be stretched!

Well as I always say, we keep learning. I was having my quiet time this morning wishing I could stuff my ears with cotton wool to prevent hearing what God was telling me. Basically, I need to grow up!

I have an assignment for the next session, we have to write an essay on our roles in marriage, the role of a wife...I'm sure I have something about that in this blog so I guess I'll just edit that. Today Mr O said I am like a First Lady, elegant, beautiful, intelligent..I thought my head would burst! So if you're reading these pages, I hope it's been a blessing. In relationships, there is a time to bow out but I think that sometimes we give up too soon. Don't give up! Work at it, it calls you to walk on a higher path, a narrower road but it is well worth it.

Hugs and kisses

XoXo

We are different

We are different

We are different...(lol)

Questions, questions, questions!

Wow, today was really interesting. So we got there and we introduced ourselves to Pastor D, he asked us how long we had been in the relationship for and what our plans were. He also told us that we would be having about eight to ten sessions with him and would be covering a lot of areas like the role of husband and wife, finance, communication, sex e.t.c and to prepare ourselves for FULL DISCLOSURE so we shouldn't be surprised when some certain things came up. He asked if we had informed our parents about the relationship and we responded in the affirmative. He then gave us a form to fill. It was like four pages long! I was like..wow! Apart from the regular background information, these are a few questions I can remember,

• Blood group and genotype
• Which parent were you closer to?
• How many siblings do you have?
• Are there any medical conditions that could affect your partner?
• Have you ever had an abortion?
• List 15 (yes 15) reasons why you want to marry this person?
• Are you born again?
• What was your experience of salvation?
• What do you understand by marriage?
• Did your parents have a good, average or poor marriage?
• What are your marital goals and how do you hope to achieve them?
• Where did you meet your partner?
• What are your thoughts on joint accounts for finance?
• What are your parents religious background?

If I remember the others, I will update the post. It took us almost an hour, see me thinking as if I was preparing for A' Levels! After skimming through our forms, he made one or two comments about some things we had written like Mr O's parents are separated and he just asked a few questions about that. Just before he left, he asked Mr O, so why Esther? He then posed the same question to me? I just realised now that neither of us used the word love! Interesting! We spent so much time writing answers although I would have really loved to read what his 15 reasons for wanting to marry me were!

Anyway, we've booked about 8 more appointments from July all the way to November, well there's no rush, we're not planning on getting married this year anyway, this year is about preparation and setting a solid foundation. My church is very big and I'm surprised my pastor still takes time to meet all couples intending to get married on a one to one basis. God bless him. So that's it, more updates as they come. It was really interesting!

Oh well!! We're still learning

So we didn't really have a great weekend. I'd really missed Mr O, because I'm more of a quality time love language person when we don't make time to see I start feeling somehow. I tried to communicate this to him, maybe not in the best of ways. Sometimes in trying to pass a point across, it comes off as being accusatory and so his response really UPSET me big time. God is good, I have learnt to stop reacting to situations but rather respond to them. I kept quiet where on a good day, I could give you double for your trouble!!Lol!

During the course of the weekend I spoke to my mentor (thank God for mentors!!) and she said something that made me see everything in a very different light!! I got a new perspective on how I filter situations through my paradigm and how a lot of times there's a difference between how I feel or think about something and the truth about that something. There is no space for self-centredness in a love story. It's about you, we and us and not me, me, me. I'll be honest, I still posed a bit (I believe this is a lady's prerogative just don't pose too much sha!!).

So we apologised, the situation didn't change, but we changed and we're both happy. In fact, I am very happy, Mr O just called and he's booked me an appointment for a facial at Clarins! Yay! Totally unexpected and out of the blue. I'm learning to understand his own language, oh yes I am!! So in summary what I've learnt is;

• Always communicate how you feel, sometimes it's better for the words to come out wrong than to say nothing at all
• Having said that, try your best not to come across as accusatory, use I more than you..I feel, I think e.t.c.
• Accept the fact that the other person might do something that makes you angry, even very angry but try to respond and not react, don't make a bad situation worse, if you didn't say anything no-one can point at what you said
• Also accept the fact that sometimes things will not be what you term ideal, remember ideal is a subjective word; your ideal might not be his/her ideal
• Remember that no matter what happens, you love the person and love covers a multitude of sins

Ok, that's my two cents today. Next update should be what happened in Pastor D's office!

XoXo

Pre-marital counselling!

We have our first on-on-one with my Pastor on the 25th. I feel both excited and nervous! Lol! I'll definitely update on how it went.

On days like this

I'd always wanted to keep this space as honest and truthful as possible, some days love just requires a bit more effort than others I guess.

On days like this
I wish
Love wasn't kind
or patient or humble
or held on to things that make me upset

On days like this
I wish
Love was self seeking
easily angered
wanting it's own way

On days like this
I wish
I could switch love off
so it wouldn't hurt
and I wouldn't cry

but

On days like this
I wish
but He speaks
and reminds me that
He is love

Rejoicing in truth
Protective, trustful
and persevering
In other words
Perfect

which makes me realise

On days like this
I wish that you
were perfect
and you're not but then neither I am
but He is and He can help us
work at it

(c) Esther Hadassah 2009

Inspired by a television show, a telephone conversation and Favoured Girl's Mr and Mrs Imperfect.