Learning from the past

What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?

To make things interesting, I've decided not to answer the questions in chronological order but just as it comes. Some are very easy, requiring a simple yes/no. I've been pondering on whether I'm going to put up the answers to all twenty questions, if I do it will be a significant breakthrough but today I'm going to talk about the lessons I have learnt from the past.

Hmm, I'm 'unique' in a way that my last major relationship was my only other relationship whether major or minor! Unique because I'm in my late twenties and even my twenty one year old sister has had more boyfriends than I have! There are quite a number of reasons why things happened that way and maybe I will share these in a future post, I've always wanted to write a post titled 'Why I am still single'! Lol! One of these was that from an early age, I had a strong conviction that relationships were designed to ultimately end in marriage, so there was no point having a boyfriend just for the sake of it but the relationship should have a purpose and as I was not ready to get married, I just didn't put myself out there.

I met AN through a mutual friend, though I didn't know it was a set up at the time. Strangely enough, I had recently turned down the friend who was doing the setting up so I thought it was quite interesting that he was fixing me up with a friend of his. I should have known something was up as he was so insistent on his 'friend' dropping me home after an outing but I can be simple like that, anyway we met and had a very interesting conversation. That was a good thing about the relationship, we were on the same page on quite a number of issues. We talked about God and faith, finance and a host of things, honestly it had been a while that I had been able to connect intellectually on that level with someone for a long time, I had my longest phone conversations with AN, talking all night about everything and nothing. I even shared my list (prayer points for husband to be) with him which was a first. I was attracted to his sense of purpose and vision, his relationship with God and his commitment to his church, he was a deacon in his church and I must say this made me really relax because I'd always prayed that my husband would be more spiritually mature than me. After most conversations, we would pray, that was a first for me!

So what happened, if he was all that and a bag of chips, why and how did it end? I would love to say he did this or he did that e.t.c. but the truth is that it takes two people to tango. Relationships start with two people and end with two people. One of the things I learnt about myself in that relationship was that under my 'nice' and 'beautiful' persona was a very stubborn girl. Now, not all stubbornness is bad but sometimes in life, we need to choose our battles carefully for we may win the battle and lose the war. I know God is working in my life and making me a more mature woman today than I was then. I felt that I wasn't good enough as myself, that he had this image of what a pastor's wife should be and while I did have some of the qualities, he was determined to mold me into that image. Now while I am very conservative, I do not like to be bound to tradition, I don't do things because it's the way it's always been done, I do it because it's the most effective way. I felt we were rushing a lot, also I was uncomfortable with the pace the physical aspects of the relationship was progressing without any corresponding depth emotionally or spiritually. I thought it would be easy as a church leader to get him to understand the reason for some of my boundaries but he felt I was being too difficult and selfish.

We began to argue about everything, we both come from large families, he said he would like to have five children, I said two. Not a big deal yeah, but it was at least to him. I've never seen myself having more than two biological children but I never knew it could raise so many issues. Then the rush, rush, rush, he wanted to get married within a year of our meeting but something in me wanted to still take things slower and get to know him better. I had no peace about the relationship, we saw each other but we weren't really a part of each other's lives, I never met his friends, he never met mine, our outings were usually one on one. I think it's important to see how your nearest and dearest interact with your nearest and dearest if you get what I mean. Love is a beautiful thing but can also make you near-sighted, your friends and family can usually see what you cannot and while they love you, they are not in love and if they are true they will tell you the truth.

After some time of prayer, I had a conversation with him and explained that I felt rushed, I didn't feel our relationship had got to the point where we should be planning a wedding and could we slow down and be friends (at least that's what I meant) but his response was that if we weren't dating there was no point having a relationship as in being friends, he wasn't looking for a 'friend' and that was it. I will confess, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was all over because I was beginning to feel trapped. I did send the occasional text on his birthday and Father's day (i send a text to all my male friends, single or married because they are all either dad's or prospective dads) but don't anymore. I guess if he was writing this post he would be able to give a more balanced picture but it ended because I think we were both different in some areas where we should be similar. There are some conversations you should have before even thinking about how your name sounds with his surname! We even had an argument about grandparents having pet names for the grandchildren, to me no big deal, to him, he names his children and that's that. It's not the end of the world but you should know what the deal is before you say I do.

So while he was kind and could be really tender, he wrote me some touching texts, I now know he wasn't for me, at least not the me I was then. Maybe still not the me I am now. I don't know, in relationships, flexibility is required, it can't always be my way or the high way because one day your partner will hit the road and Jack won't come back no more because Delilah has made life very comfortable for him. I know I grew from this relationship, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I know this because the issues I had with AN didn't even reach 1/100000 of what I and Mr O have seen and had and yet I am still here. Mr O always says for better, for worse. I tell him that's when you take the vows but he says no, it's from now.

I don't believe in kissing many frogs until you find your prince, your lips just end up froggy but taking your time, making the most of opportunities and really assessing because sometimes there is a prince/princess in a frog and it takes you to bring him/her out. Relationships are hard work, not for the immature at all. We've all made mistakes, done things we aren't proud of but learn from them, grow from them and keep moving. Opposites attract but never underestimate the power of being on the same page on fundamental issues. Will tackle some of the yes/no questions in next post.

Till later,

XoXo

Expectations..

I've been pondering on the 20 questions in the previous post and thinking about what my answers to those questions would be. I just heard Dr Phil say that one of the greatest obstacles in marriage is when both partners have unmet expectations. So I guess the question 'What do you expect' isn't so out of place?


Our expectations come from different sources, it could be what was modelled to us at home by our parents, it could be what we feel society expects of us or for some of us what we read in some novels. So what do I expect?

• I expect him to be spiritually, physically and emotionally available to commit to a relationship with me

• I expect him to be committed to developing our relationship to a place where we become best friends, sharing with each other and being there for each other

• I expect him to remain committed to developing his relationship with Christ because where we are not perfect, God gives us the grace and strength to do what we cannot do of ourselves

• I expect him to be honest with me at all times, to tell me how it is even though it isn't what I necessarily what to hear

• I expect him to be the king, the man, the head of our home, the provider, priest, prophet and protector, to lead and not dominate

• I expect him to continue to dream big, be a man of vision and be willing to make the sacrifices necessary today for us to have a greater future

• On a lighter note, I expect that Mr O will be able to work a microwave, the oven and the washing machine (don't worry I intend to do most of the cooking, I like my life o!!lol)

• I also expect that although his decision is final, major decisions should be discussed between us, things like where we live and worship, career changes, children's' education and discipline and I reserve the right to make my objections known

• I expect him to be faithful to his vows to love and honour me above all else, so I don't expect there will be any other Mrs O (or sleeping partners) apart from me as long as we remain married

• I expect him to have a source of income whether from a job or a business, preferably both

• I expect him to be a present and effective father, loving and providing his presence to his kids.
  
• I expect him to give his 100% to our relationship
• Most importantly, I expect that on some days you won't meet my expectations of you because you are human after all

I believe this is a post that will continuously need refining as I go along but that covers most of it really. An important note, I don't expect him to be PERFECT, that's not what this is about but about realistically thinking through what I expect.

There are some other smaller things that may come up as when we live together, for example I don't expect him to balance the books or sort out our accounts, I expect us to bring together our skills, him doing what he does best (for example, he does a great stir fry BTW). I don't expect him to always take out the trash or change the light bulbs but I do expect him to pitch in with night feeds. I expect us to be a great team, working together, not competing against each other.

Well, that's long but I found this an interesting exercise. It's worth thinking about, don't you think?..

Till later

Xoxo

20 questions to ask before you get engaged..

These questions were 'lifted' from T.D Jakes' book, Before you do. It's a great book with advice applicable to all types of relationships not just romantic ones, a lot of times when reading, I had to stop and hmmmmm...sometimes out loud!!Lol! The premise for this book is on tools you need to prepare yourself before you say "I DO" because sometimes people say those two important words not really knowing and understanding what they are committing to. So here they are;

1. What do you expect?
2. What are your most prized possessions?
3. Where do you stand on faith?
4. What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?
5. What are your ideas about sexuality?
6. Do you know your HIV/AIDS status?
7. What are the secrets that you keep? Will you trust me to keep them too?
8. Have you ever been arrested and do you have a criminal record?
9. Do you have children or other children outside marriage?
10.How do you feel about having children?
11. How do you feel about disciplining children?
12. What are the roles of husband and wife for you?
13. What role do you see your parents, siblings and extended family playing in your relationship?
14. How do you handle disagreements and disappointments?
15. What is your vision for this family? Where would you like us to be in ten or twenty years?
16.How satisfied are you with your present career?
17. What is your debt-to-income ratio?
18. Is there any need or desire for a prenuptial agreement?
19. Do you have a will or a living will and can we talk about it?
20.What annoys you the most about me? What do you enjoy the most about being with me?

Wow, that's exhaustive but I'm sure you're not expected to ask all these on one date, also some things I think you don't need to ask, you see it in your partners behaviour. I guess I and Mr O have some new pointers for upcoming discussions. Lol, just thought to share but do get the book!

Don't worry, I'll share our discussions if Mr O permits. So get talking, listening and understanding.

Till later

Xoxo

Theory vs. practical

Hi

Thanks for reading today, I hope and pray you are blessed. I'm becoming more aware each day of how much work relationships and marriage need. Yes, it's fun and it's wonderful to have someone to love and who loves you in return but on some days......hmm.

Writing about relationship do's and don'ts, even giving advice is so easy but when it comes to the crunch of living it out, it AINT easy at all. I'm honest enough to admit that I do lose the plot every so often but I thank God for His grace and also for a man who while not being perfect embodies the word COMMITMENT. The counselling classes are bringing up issues to the surface and I guess I've allowed it to faze me a bit but I'm now really learning what it means to walk the talk. Theory vs. practical, I'm learning so I must be doing. According to Maya Angelou (PhD) when you know better, you should do better.

So there we were seated in Pastor D's office talking about barriers to effective communication. Before we got in, I was a bit miffed because he didn't actually do the assignment, we were supposed to work on it together and I felt that he didn't put any effort in because he knew I was going to do it. Mr O then asked an interesting question about our pastor's thoughts on separate bedrooms for husband and wife...I was like hmmm, and then he rushed to clarify that it wasn't about sleeping arrangements but just for; hope I'm repeating this verbatim.."her luggage" and then he mentioned something to do with liking having his things being kept in order.

I don't know if it was not just a great day or the way he said it, or the way I heard it but I was really UPSET! Ha ha ha, the devil is a mean 'ole son of a gun! What I heard was, "Pastor, is it ok for her to have a separate bedroom for her things because she is messy"! Please don't get me wrong, it wasn't what he said that got me a lil' riled but the fact that he had NEVER brought this up with me before. It made me wonder whether there were some other things that I did that he didn't like and why he felt he couldn't bring them up. Pastor D said it wasn't an issue but partners should learn how to be accommodating of their spouses. Personally, I think Mr O has a bit of an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to living arrangements, I'm sure I've mentioned that before while for me cleanliness and not necessarily having all boxes on a straight line is more important.

I plead guilty I disobeyed most of the rules in the previous post, I made assumptions about what he was saying, I went into my silent monosyllable mode, I thought, thought, thought, instead of talk, talk, talk. I let the sun go down and I was angry. I refused to admit to myself that I was angry. However, I came back and read everything I'd written down and began to practicalise them. We discussed it, my issue was not about separate rooms but an inability to raise 'tough' issues, we haven't still totally dealt with that but it's ok. He was also upset about a recent decision I had made and I tried to explain the WHY behind it, I don't think we came to an agreement about it but it's still ok.

I learnt that anyone can fight but it takes maturity to fight FAIR. Also, always be sure that not only do you listen to what your partner is saying make sure you UNDERSTAND what they're saying, ask questions. The closer you are to marriage, the less there should be 'no-go' areas and remember to PRAY. Talk to God, I've realised the more I talk to HIM about him, the more HE talks to me about ME! When people don't understand, God does and He will make a way. Also after a recent conversation with a friend, be careful when 'interfering' in the relationships of others, remember 'Chinese whispers', by the time one partner comes to you some of the information could have changed. Communication is speaking, listening and UNDERSTANDING and remember it's one thing to know the right thing to do and actually going out and doing it.

I've been challenged by Favoured Girl's post on respect and I'm still musing on that. I'm praying and asking God to help us work on the cracks that are present in our communication, it's not so much about talking more but creating an environment where such communication can take place. I'm currently reading 'Before you do' by T.D Jakes and my next post will be on some questions you should pose to your intended before you even get engaged.

Till later, keep learning, loving and living

Xoxo

Barriers to Effective Communication

Our next counselling session is on the 10th of September, just wanted to pen a few thoughts on the topic given to us to work on before consulting Mr O. Communication, sex and money are three very important pillars in marital relationships, I always put communication first on the list because I think success in the other two areas depend on having effective communication with your partner.

Communication involves SPEAKING, LISTENING and UNDERSTANDING. If there are any issues in or with any of these areas then we get a breakdown in communication. A pastor told me that the most important point to remember was to 'always keep the lines of communication open'. So what are the barriers;

• Resentment and anger; the Bible says we should be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to get angry. The truth is I can be the exact opposite, I get angry quite quickly (Help me Holy Spirit) when I'm angry, I don't really want to talk to Mr O so this affects the speaking part but if we are not speaking this delays us from working at conflict resolution. I'm learning not to discuss important issues at the height of emotion i.e when I'm really upset or when I'm really happy.

• Pride (thanks Aunty Y), pride is a posture that says I'm right, I'm always right and even when I'm wrong, I'm right....hmm I wish I could say I've got this in check as well. Well, we are all a work in progress. Pride also prevents one from asking forgiveness when it is needed.

• Wrong timing; Saying the right thing at the wrong time could end up blowing in your face, I've been there, done that and have the T-shirt to show for it. I personally believe that because women tend to more intuitive, we see things coming and are always so eager to let the man in our life know but I am asking God for the grace to know when to speak and when to keep quiet. I mentioned about not discussing important issues at the height of emotion either happy or sad; this is because sometimes there are some things that just have to be said and I tend to not want to 'rock the boat' if I feel we are in a good place but I see Mr O as my best friend which means that I need to love him enough to give my 2 cents even when I know it may hurt him. I've learnt that it's not always so much WHAT is said as it is HOW it is said. Tough words given in an atmosphere of love and acceptance are usually easier to swallow, the Bible says 'better are wounds from a friend'

• Personality types: I believe that there are 4 main temperaments as described by Tim Lahaye, I'm basically a melancholic type which means I just retreat within myself and go into my monosyllable mode..yes, no, ok..Lol! This isn't a good thing because inwardly I'm seething and resentment is building, on the other hand Mr O isn't good at bringing up things for discussion, he has a more phlegmatic approach to life, with the day to day things well he can talk but for the more weighty issues he prefers to contribute his own two cents when I've raised it. I'm still not so sure this is a good thing but the whole thing about understanding personality types is knowing that we can have a Spirit controlled temperament whereby we can choose to behave in a way which we would normally not for example instead of going into my Yes vs. No mood I can remind myself that the word of God says that anger resides in the bosom of a fool and let go of it and discuss how I'm really feeling, easier said than done!

• Unresolved issues: The Bible says not to let the sun go down on our anger, to that I add if I could, to not allow too many suns go down without coming to a resolution on matters. By resolution, I don't believe we have to agree but we can agree to disagree. I and Mr O have very different opinions when it comes to weddings, rather than allowing it to be an unresolved issue, I have chosen to agree to disagree with him. When the time comes, hopefully we will come to a Win-Win agreement.

• Distractions: This is so important, I guess it ties in with right timing, I don't like it when I'm discussing something important and Mr O is not paying attention especially when it's over the phone. I'm also learning to give my total attention when my friends are speaking to me. I think it's a sign of respect.

This post was difficult to write because now I don't really have the excuse of ignorance to hide behind as I know what some of the barriers to effective communication are. I don't want to be a writer and not a doer, so what are the solutions..

• Prayer: There is nothing like it and I wouldn't leave the house without it. Prayer changes situations and people but the most interesting thing I've found is that the more I pray, the more GOD changes ME. Prayer gives me the grace and strength to do things I didn't think I was capable of.
• Staying in the word of God: The Bible is full of practical wisdom that can be applied to our lives. Solomon tells us in Proverbs that it is better to be on the roof than share a house with a nagging wife (ouch!), also isn't it interesting that Esther presented her case to the king after she had fed him (lol!), also we are reminded to love one another and be kind to one another. Jesus sometimes had strong words for his disciples..I recall him calling them dull!! but I'm sure they knew He loved them.
• Take the responsibility: Use I more often than you, I feel that as opposed to "You do this", while this doesn't mean my partner is right, I am acknowledging that I still have a role to play while making him understanding how his behaviour is having an effect on me
• Keep the lines of communication clear and open at all times: No more silent treatment, no more malice. Hmm, I confess that sometimes I do wait for him to be the first to say sorry but that's less often now than it was before so things are changing. One thing I've realised also is that 80% of the time when I'm busy rolling my eyes at the phone, he's not even aware that something is wrong! Lol!
• Seek more to understand than to be understood; This is one of the habits of Highly Effective People from Stephen Covey, this will involve the higher way of listening and understanding more than speaking. Try and understand where your partner is coming from. After meeting Dr O (Mr O's dad) I learnt a lot about why he behaved the way he did sometimes and it helped me understand where he was coming from on a lot of issues, never underestimate the role your upbringing plays on molding the person you are today! Understanding brings about tolerance.

Ok, this assignment feels more like a punishment, why isn't the right thing to do always the easiest thing, love is a spiritual thing, you can't really succeed from the natural level alone. I think I need to meditate on these words. I'll let you know how it all went.

Till later

XoXo

Roles of the husband and wife

Hi,

I've just returned from a counselling session, honestly these sessions have been so good for us. Every time I want to start acting funny, just remembering that I have to see Pastor D just puts me in check! Lol! One thing I've learnt especially this week is that when people say marriage is not for babies, it's just the gospel truth. It's easy to write about relationships, the do's and dont's but it's very difficult to live it out practically.

Pastor D gave us an assignment to write our thoughts on what our roles as husband and wife in marriage are. Trust Ms. Hadassah the writer, I went with my 1.25 pages and my darling went there with 7 sentences! We are different, we are different, we are different!

My main points were that the role of a wife was to;

• Be a submissive follower (see post on submission!)
• Help her husband by partnering with him to move towards the vision God has created them for
• Satisfy her husband's needs, spiritually, emotionally and physically
• Build her home by creating an atmosphere of peace and joy for her family and being a good steward of the resources entrusted in her care

My sweetheart has graciously given me permission to put his points on my blog (even though he doesn't know where it exists on the www) and these are;

• To love and care for my wife unconditionally.
• To provide a comfortable accommodation/shelter for my wife.
• To protect her and ensure her continuous happiness.
• To be a friend, partner and a good listener.
• To satisfy her every need (emotionally, materially and sexually).
• To always remain faithful and honest to my wife.

He then asked both of us to identify what areas would be challenging to us in effectively carrying out these roles; for me I know that submission will be an area of ongoing transformation because if truth be told, it takes a great degree of trust and dying to self to be submitted to anyone even to God. With regard to our roles in marriage, Pastor D told us to remember that husbands and wives while married to each other should see their function as all unto God.

Husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church, wives should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord..so regardless of who your spouse is or what they do, your responsibility is to stay in your role as unto the Lord. Sometimes, I feel like marriage is one of God's ways of teaching us how to really be like him! Anyway, in this way, we should both be committed to giving 100% irrespective of what the other person brings to the table. Now, that's a tall order but I guess that's why the Word says with God all things are possible.

Pastor explained to us that most people come into marriage with their own pre-conceived notions of what their roles in marriage should be. These could come from family or cultural background or previous experiences. Conflicts arise where there is no balance in the expectations both partners have. So we should go back to what the word of God says and use that as the pattern and model.

For husbands, their role can be summed up in the 4 P's, Provider, Protector, Priest and Prophet.

Provider: Financially, physically,

Protector: Being the authority in home, emotionally and physically, protect your wife from your family members by covering her weaknesses and emphasising her strengths (and vice versa for wives)

Priest: Spiritual head, should set guidance and leadership for praise, worship and prayer. No staying at home while wife and kids go to church

Prophet: Setting the vision for the home, a clear sense of direction and it is important to have a general idea of where a man is going before you agree to marry him just in case you're not interested in his destination.

So what about me..

The role of the wife is to support her husband, to be in sync with the vision of the family, this does not limit your ability as a woman to achieve your goals, remembering the Proverbs 31 woman.

Our next assignment is on the barriers to effective communication and how to overcome them, this we have to work on together...well we'll see!

Till later

Xoxo

We are different..

We are different
We are different
We are different
We are different..

Don't worry, Ms Hadassah hasn't lost her marbles...yet!! I just thought that if I could recite those three words long enough they will actually stick in my head and in my heart. Thank God that love is a journey, you can make mistakes, apologise, reflect on behaviour and change.

We had another session today, we were supposed to do a personality type test but unfortunately Pastor D could not find the forms! He asked us to state things that we liked and also what we didn't like about our partners. I said my usual things about why I love him or the reasons I want to marry him. I think it's good practice to rehearse or think about those reasons ever so often because it's so easy (or maybe it's just me) to focus on the one (or few) things people don't do well as opposed to the 101 things they do to make us happy!

I love him because he is kind, he listens, he is trustworthy, he is a great friend and more, he irons!!lol!, he's funny, he is respectful, he is posh, he encourages me and believes in me, he trusts me (sometimes too much I think), he knows me and he loves me. When I look around at some of my friends and acquaintances, I know I am blessed. Funny I just realised that he's everything that I'm not and also everything that I am as well, I wish I could explain it. Pastor D said that although opposites attract (differences) it's our similarities that keep us together, we should never allow our differences to pull us apart, rather we should work with our strengths using that to compensate for our weaknesses.

When Mr O faces some sort of issue, he prefers to draw 'into his zone', this could range anything from a few days to about 2 weeks, I've always found it difficult not because I believe people don't need space but I have a personality type that always needs to be in touch to be reassured (of what??). During these 'cave moments' there is usually no form of communication and sometimes I find it really annoying! It's funny how writing the thoughts in my head takes out their power and gives me a new perspective of things. I'm learning how to accommodate that zoning out, it has nothing to do with me, I don't like it but I can live with it.

Pastor D left us with 4 thoughts;

• You can't change anyone no matter how hard you try. You can let your thoughts about things be known to the other party but the onus is on them to realise and to change. You can pray for the other person but it's up to them to change
• Acceptance is very important in a relationship, people come 'as is', you can't take the good parts and leave the not so savoury ones. People rise to your expectations much quicker in an environment that says I love you and accept for who you are. Even if the grass is greener on the other side, they are working to keep it that way
• Emphasise strengths and not weaknesses, work together
• No matter what personality type or temperament you have, as a believer your aim is to be more like Christ, so even though naturally you might not be predisposed to do things in a certain way, ask for God's help to make you be the best for your partner even though you might need to be stretched!

Well as I always say, we keep learning. I was having my quiet time this morning wishing I could stuff my ears with cotton wool to prevent hearing what God was telling me. Basically, I need to grow up!

I have an assignment for the next session, we have to write an essay on our roles in marriage, the role of a wife...I'm sure I have something about that in this blog so I guess I'll just edit that. Today Mr O said I am like a First Lady, elegant, beautiful, intelligent..I thought my head would burst! So if you're reading these pages, I hope it's been a blessing. In relationships, there is a time to bow out but I think that sometimes we give up too soon. Don't give up! Work at it, it calls you to walk on a higher path, a narrower road but it is well worth it.

Hugs and kisses

XoXo

We are different

We are different

We are different...(lol)