Still here..

I just feel like giving everyone a big hug! Lol! How is everyone doing? I trust well. I just need to say a big thank you to regular readers like Blessing's Outlet, Myne Whitman, New Life, Koinonia and anons who take time to read my blog and offer encouraging support. I pray that you never cease to find strength when you need it and where you need it at all times in Jesus name.

I realised that a friend of mine found this blog out and it was one of the reasons why I actually didn't want to blog on it anymore. Anyway I guess it doesn't matter, a lesson I have learnt about life is that what is hidden will eventually be revealed and no use worrying about what you can't change. I was talking to my aunty and she encouraged me to continue because one day I would look back on this blog and just shake my head in wonder at how I had grown or even have something to learn from it. 

I love writing and there is still that much to write and talk about isn't there so I guess Hadassah isn't going anywhere. It is refreshing to just share my thoughts on different things and get feedback from the world as well. So yes I'm here and I'm repenting from sporadic blogging...this place needs a clean up!

Till later,

XoXo

Hello or goodbye?

Hello people

Thank you so much for your encouraging comments, prayers and advice. I signed into the blog to post something once or twice but I really didn't know what to say anymore. This blog was really focused on a particular topic and now I really don't know what to say here anymore. I did consider just deleting it and erasing any iota of its existence but I thought that would be so rude. Although I haven't discussed with anyone off this blog, just the thought that you actually take time to read my ramblings makes me consider you a friend.

So its hello because I have been away for a while. It may be goodbye or goodbye for now as I consider what the next step is. Even if I continue blogging, it will be somewhere else so we may just be parting to meet. So many things happened over the last few months but suffice to say that IT IS OVER.

How am I? Today, good, really good. There are different phases that I have been through, the sad days, the angry days (angry at him, me, even God sometimes....ask me what God did?), up days, down days. After a while I realised that I was laughing more than I was quiet. I caught myself laughing at a joke someone made and I stopped in the middle as if 'what's so funny, why are you laughing?' and I answered myself (no, I'm not going crazy yet) I'm laughing because I can, because I'm still here and because that joke is so funny! Life is about moments, some more precious than others, always unique, rarely repeated. There will only be one today 7/10/2010 and as my friend says 'a day without laughter is a day wasted'.

I regret some things but this relationship although not successful made me learn some things about Esther...that commitment is a big word, its not for children. There were some things that I could not accept. What if I found out after we were married is a question I get asked sometimes? Honestly, I don't know, I'm sorry I don't. I used to think nothing would ever make me leave but its really difficult to hold on to someone who is not holding on to you. I told him when we finally did speak (after about 4 and a half months) that he made it very easy to walk away. I don't hate him, there's a way I will always be concerned about him but that is where the story ends.

I still find it strange when people come to me for relationship advice...even with all my warnings that I have been unsuccessful...lol! I tell them about my mistakes, about our good times. Never underestimate the power of communication. Its not about having conversations or spending hours on the phone. People who work in call centres spend hours on the phone, they're selling not bonding. Its about being able to be vulnerable and share those things you don't want anyone else to know about you. To be able to tell someone they hurt you or you love them and your thoughts about everything. It doesn't happen on day 1 but it is a commitment you must be willing to make. There is also a difference between a nice person and a responsible one. No one is perfect, give room for mistakes. My friend told me 'you don't know how much you love until love is required via forgiveness.' Hmm..

Maybe I'll continue this journey, maybe not. I must admit that there is a way life as a single person is interesting. Thanks for being part of the journey so far and I pray that your respective journeys are beautiful and you walk the path designed for you always. There are changing scenes and seasons but God always remains true.

Hugs and Kisses

Esther Hadassah

Breaking up...

Breaking up

.....is not an event but a process.

It's about days where you wake up realising you never slept and wondering how to face yet another day. 
It's about ignoring calls from friends because no you don't really want to talk about it
It's also about being ignored by mutual friends who don't know what to say or whether to take sides
It's about crying randomly, as you drive, on the train, when someone mentions Ben and Jerry's or Coco Chanel
It's about lying when people ask how far you are going with wedding plans
It's about losing your confidence and questioning yourself if you really have what it takes
It's about feelings of rejection hmm
It's about wondering how to relate with 'ex' prospective in-laws especially when you like them 


Breaking up


..... is not an event but a process


It's about picking yourself out of bed each day giving praise you are alive
It's about learning the difference between failing and being a failure
It's about knowing that there is at least one friend who always understands
It's about growth 
It's about telling yourself you will love again, maybe not now but you will
It's about letting a Supreme love come and mend the broken pieces
It's about facing the world again and embracing your purpose

I don't know how people do this without God. He is a rock and refuge to those who put their trust in Him. So if you've been there before don't worry there is light at the end of what usually seems like a very dark tunnel. It is well with you.



Thanks NewLife and everyone for everything. I am well, hopefully in coming days it will be 'bright and sunny here'..lol! 


God bless


Xoxo..

Talking about it..

Esther,I just went through this in my marriage,....... We worked through it sweetie and yes it was hard, what are you going to do Esther?, could this same situation happen if you were married, what would you do Esther, bail? I feel your pain, I really do and I promise I do not judge you. I totally agree that he has to step it up and fight for the relationship, examine how you told him you wanted a break, did he not object because he didn't care, he was frustrated himself, out of fear, or he felt betrayed that you would want to leave after everything you guys had. You have to talk, talk, talk. Even if you call it quits, you want to know that you know, that this relationship was not for you. I'm still very hopeful for your relationship for some reason. Keep praying darling, hand it all to God and listen when He speaks, letting go of your fears or pride if any. I'm really hopeful! xoxox

This was a comment I received on my last post. Thanks so much NewLife, I really appreciate the question, advice and prayer. It gave me a lot of food for thought because I had thought along similar lines myself but wouldn't really say I came to a 'conclusion' so to speak. I've been asked, is it possible for us to get back together, academically, I would still say yes we can, if we are both willing to do what is required to make it work. However, there is a little girl inside who just wants to cut her losses (and they are great) and move on. That is me being honest.

Hmm, if we were married, would I bail? I would like to think not, I would like to believe I would honour the vows that I had made and stick with the marriage. I do ask myself what I would have done different if we were married but then the truth still remains that we are not married so it is a bit difficult for me. All in all, even though I do not think going on breaks is a good thing, sometimes people need time to cool off, to assess what's really important, to realise the role that the person plays in their lives. When I suggested the break, a part of me thought that he would fight it, but in a sense we were already on break as we weren't speaking at that time. Phone calls went unanswered and unreturned and I thought that the relationship was just one more pressure in an already stressful situation so maybe taking that off the table would enable him sort out other stuff, he'd used the phrase 'pushing him' so I just felt it was better to leave things alone.

I did try to 'talk, talk,talk' but the timing was never right and honestly to me there's just so much I felt I could do at the time. His response was that he could not speak or contact me for the next 3 months when he would have more time from school. I lost a family member during this time, I sent him a text and I got a text back. Not a phone call and not a visit. I get upset and angry with people but never would I even think of reacting to a situation like that.  I spoke to a family member of his, he got upset with the person. I don't usually recommend family but I didn't really feel like speaking to his friends and I actually realised how few we had in common! I could wait for the 3 months but I knew that a part of me would always resent the fact that yet again we were working with his own life time table.

I was angry with him at a time but honestly now I'm not. Sometimes, people are not just in a place where they can commit to being in a relationship and I can accept that. There is a bit of fear as well, because honestly I tried to look into the future and wonder if we could face challenges as a couple and I just couldn't see it. Maybe we gave up too soon. Sometimes, I felt like an 'enabler' which is different from supporting. Growth involves living with the consequences of our actions. A plant left unattended will wilt and die, I kind if feel our relationship was like that. I just got tired of me wanting to speak, him wanting to keep quiet. We should try and find a way to meet in the middle. A big part of me wanted to see some effort on his part, I didn't see it. I told God, I was going to pray and leave things be, just let go of everything. Since God speaks, if he really is the one I believe God will show me and tell me and I pray He will give me the strength to overcome all obstacles and be mature in the way I handle things. Life is uncertain, what we are certain of is that we will face storms, we can't keep going back and forth as we have been doing. I'm trying to write a balanced account but I feel like I'm heaping all the blame on him which I don't want to do.

So darling, thanks for the encouraging words. I'll keep posting and if anything changes, the blog will be the first to know!

Xoxo

From the Foundations

When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?

Proverbs 11:2

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine

I think that quote is so powerful, wow! I think I'm going to print it and frame it. A big part of failing forward is assessing the reasons for the failure in the first instance. Letting go of the past does not mean to entirely forget what happened, for if I do not know my mistakes how can I ensure I do not repeat it? It is hard sometimes because to separate the reflection from the emotions that come with it but I guess I try and find a balance so that it's not about over analysing and getting stuck in the past.

I think I've said before that one of the biggest mistakes any couple can make is thinking 'This could never happen to me'. It's not about waiting for a storm to hit, but anticipating that a storm may come and building accordingly. It is very difficult to build in the presence of a storm so we should take precautions before hand. A lack of communication was a big barrier in the 'last days'. Communication is more than having a conversation but being able to say what you mean and what you really mean. The truth even when said in love may hurt but it is our responsibility to speak the truth always.

The last few months of last year going into this one had really been quite busy with respect to our individual academic/career goals and this allowed some cracks begin to show. We had stopped the counselling classes (funny enough we were about to go into the communication bit) as Mr O's schedule couldn't accommodate it. Honestly, this was not a problem for me as we had attended some and we could use the opportunity to start practicing what we had learnt so far? I think we were just existing, doing our own things. At the beginning of this year, I told him that even though we were busy we needed to try and make the time. Its not about meeting up every day but about making most of the time when you do meet up.

I have this saying that 'I don't mind fighting, as long as we fight fair and stick to the rules.' I won't say I have never raised my voice in an argument, or him either but an unwritten agreement is for both parties never to raise their voices at the same time and strange enough this has only happened once. To disagree in of itself is not a bad thing because it shows we are human and we are different but when we do disagree, our actions tell a lot about the person within. I didn't like the man I saw, neither did I like some things in the woman I saw either. I have learnt that patience is indeed a virtue and I must rely on God for an eternal supply to enable me to cope with the reality of what relationships require. Change is a gradual process. I felt that the relationship was more a priority for me than it was for him and suggested we take a break. Maybe that was a mistake but he didn't disagree. I just got tired of coming up with suggestions on how to make it work, going for counselling e.t.c and just decided to leave it be. Time couldn't be made to even ask and seek for help. In one of my last communications to him, I told him that the effort you make in saving something that is dying shows how much its worth is to you. In the end, I felt it wasn't worth very much, definitely not worth making the sacrifices required.

Relationships take commitment, maybe I wasn't as committed as I should have been. True, but I choose not to dwell on the past. Hopefully, I'm a little bit more mature now. I made a decision never to keep quiet because I think my words may hurt but to pray first and then speak, whether the words want to be heard or not because its better to get feelings out in the open than leave things to fester. A lack of communication is that thread that gets unravelled and begins to unravel everything else. Writing this post was hard..I want to write about happy things. I think I'll just continue answering the twenty questions from the next post.

Till later

XoXo

Failing forward

Don't interfere with good people's lives;don't try to get the best of them.

No matter how many times you trip them up,God-loyal people don't stay down long; soon they're up on their feet,while the wicked end up flat on their faces.

Proverbs 24:15-16

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

Unknown

Beautiful people in Blogville, I am overwhelmed by the love and care you have shown. I keep coming back to read the comments and they make me smile. I don't know what to say except Thank you. Thank you for the encouragement and thanks for the prayers. To think that I almost deleted this blog, well the story continues.

Hmm, failing forward. Over the past few months, I have experienced a wave of emotions. Breaking up is very similar to mourning, there is denial, there is anger, there is guilt, there is depression and sadness, mixed with a lot of tears before coming to a place of acceptance. I really don't know what I would do without having Jesus in my life. My God who is my refuge in the storm, it is true what the word says about Him giving us a peace that passes all understanding. Some days I feel as if I'm watching a movie and what has happened was to someone else and not me.

I would say the most overwhelming feeling I had was one of failure. Yes, I've read books about failing, how everyone fails at something, how failing does not make one a failure and how Thomas Edison didn't give up on the light bulb after x amount of attempts! I guess there's a difference between knowing a fact academically and living it out as truth. But I did feel like a failure, a very big one at that! Here I was writing a blog about preparing myself spiritually, emotionally and mentally for marriage and then we break up!.....I just wanted to stay in bed and never get out and show my face again. Failure has always been one of my greatest fears. I hate to fail, I'm not one of those super competitive types that is determined to win at all costs but I'll admit I'm one of those annoying ones in class who cries when she gets a B grade!

At a point, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I've always been a private person and I was just going through the process alone instead of reaching out to friends to pray with me and encourage me. I've learnt so much during this period, God opened my eyes to people He had brought along my path and just their presence alone sometimes just gave me that added strength to make it through the day.

I thank God for God. I may have failed at this, I admit I did make some mistakes but I am so encouraged by that Bible verse. It was like God was saying to me 'Why do you focus on when you fell and how many times you fell and how you fell and not on the fact that you are able to stand up, dust your shoulders and keep stepping? You might be injured when you fall, but remember that I am a Balm in Gilead! Focus on standing up after you fall, fail forward.'  I realised then that I'm only a failure if I allow the event to stop me from living my very best life and also if I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

 

So I chose to fail forward, to take time to God-analyse (not self-analyse anymore) the events and circumstances leading up to the break up and asking God for wisdom and guidance as to what to do next. I chose to fail forward and spend time in communion with God, to talk to Him about things and allow Him do His will in my life. I chose to fail forward to realise that my whole life did not consist of being in this relationship and while it did bring pain, it also brought joy. Also, there were so many other things that God had in store for me so I had to get out of bed, ask God for His joy to be my strength and get to stepping! I chose to fail forward and ask God for the grace to help me deal with the anger, to help me deal with the guilt, not to allow bitterness set in so my heart would be free to love the way He wants me to love.

 

The choice to fail forward is one I'm making daily now. I'm asking God for directions every step of the way as I fulfill His divine purpose for my life. His Word says that He is able to work all things together for the good of them that love Him and are called according to His purpose, that His plans for me are good to give me a future and a hope. I've always said I believed His word and now is the time to live like I do. My encouragement is that where ever you feel you have experienced failure or disappointment, just give it to Jesus. The enemy only wins when you stop, not when you fall. Stand up, dust your shoulders and get to stepping. He can give you grace to do what you thought was impossible. Fail forward!

 

XoXo

 

Esther Hadassah

Changes..

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin 

First things first, I must begin by apologising to the readers of this blog for disappearing for so long. The past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster and although I did come here from time to time. I was just unable to write anything.

When I came across the quote above, it just aptly summarised what happened to me and to us. I promised myself I would always be honest on this blog and I must admit that at a point I just wanted to delete it and start a new story, forgetting what lies behind and pressing on. However, I realise that life is a story that is made of different chapters and that even when the plot takes an unexpected twist, it doesn't mean the end of the story. My best friend always tells me that the story is never over until The Story teller writes 'The End' and I'm inclined to agree and therefore the story continues.

At this point, I and Mr O have decided not to continue with our relationship. I have prayed and I have cried but I have decided to let things be and stop fighting because even though it doesn't make a lot of sense, I believe that it is the way it should go. I think I will try and talk about what happened as I go along. I once heard a message on preventing marital failure and the first point the pastor gave on the biggest mistakes a couple can make is 'thinking it could never happen to us'. That's dangerous. He also said it's about expecting the best for your relationship while preparing for the worst. Another very important point is that although there is no way you can meet someone who thinks exactly like you because we are all unique, it is very important both partners use similar scripts or read from the same page because it helps in decision making and in conflict resolution.

I don't think there is any relationship that cannot be saved but it requires both parties being willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen. Both of us have lessons to learn but I believe there are some things that are best left to God to handle in one's life, we must accept people as they are with their strengths and weaknesses but we must also be honest. I know I overlooked some things I should have probed further and earlier as much in him as in myself. I've been asking myself some deep questions over the past few weeks, I don't claim to always have answers or always be right but I've just decided to trust God and allow Him to lead and guide me.

So I'm not really sure what direction this blog is going to take now. As a dear big sister told me, 'No matter what happens, whether you get back together or not, you have grown, you have learnt, you have loved, you are a better person for it, so don't feel like the time spent was a waste because it isn't.' I don't always agree with her but well as the Spirit leads I guess. I'm fiddling with the template for now but I'm back.

I wrote this a while ago, just expressing my thoughts going through the process. Hopefully, my next post will be a bit upbeat.

Not a day goes by

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Sometimes it's a flash of recognition

A symbol, a scent, a song

Other times a full length movie with

Changing places, changing faces

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Sometimes I smile

Held in your embrace, walking hand in hand

Other times, most times

With tears

Arguments back and forth, cold silences

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Although I lie when friends ask

Laughing as I say time heals all wounds

And that I'm moving on

When what I do everyday

is think of you

Not a day goes by

That I do not think of you

Going back in time

To plans, hopes and dreams shared

Looking ahead to a path I must take

That does not have you in it

Where we has become you and me

Not a day goes by

when I do not think of you

But now I must learn to occupy my thoughts

With truth, purity and good reports

As I focus my thoughts back on Him

Who enables me put all other thoughts in perspective

(c) Ester Hadassah

Till later,

Xoxo