Something I wrote a while ago for my wonderful Mr O..
I want.......
To wake up every morning and find you next to me
To share my hopes and dreams with you
To laugh with you and cry with you as well
To show you the real me, no pretences
To know the real you, no pretences
To make mini-me's and mini you's
To be your number one fan
To be the safe place where your heart can reside
To be able to disagree with you but know you still love me
To forgive you when you hurt me and make me upset
To cook you your favourite meal and watch you wolf it down! LOL!
To pray with you as often as possible
To lie on the grass with you and listen to andrea bocelli and argue about what the words really mean
To learn the little things that make you smile and do them ever so often
To trust you with my heart and realize that I don't have to be so strong all the time
I want to do all these things just because.....Just because I love you!
(c) Esther Hadassah 2009
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Needing you without being needy
I just finished reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating", it's a nice book, one that can be read at any stage of a relationship and even better before embarking on a relationship. The first commandment is titled "Thou shalt get a life", sometimes single people become so focused on wanting to have a partner that they freeze the rest of their life, waiting for Mr/Miss Right to show up so they can resume the process of living. I know before I got into this relationship, I had my phases when I had no life but thankfully they were short and far between as I realised that I couldn't really know when I would be in a relationship, so no use waiting before doing some certain things so I told God, I was going to start doing my things and enjoying myself.
I remember a conversation I had with a friend, she was telling me about a business idea that she had for a while and it was really interesting because from the sound of it, to me it seemed like this was what she had been born to do. As our conversation drew to a close, she commented that she would start the business when she got married. I was surprised, as in what does marriage have to do with it, she said well, if she had to leave her job it would be good to have the cushion of another income, presumably her husbands'.
I understand that may make sense on the surface but girlfriend was not even in a relationship at the time, so when will this dream come to fruition exactly, my point is I felt she was looking for an excuse for not taking the risk that comes with launching into the deep, not that I blame her but I asked myself what I had been subconsciously delaying while waiting for Mr Right and what my expectations of marriage were. Someone to pay the cable bills while I sort out the phone bills, someone to split the rent with, someone to have children with (at a point in my life, this was my only reason for getting married, I had lost faith in what I call the M word, marriage!)
Selwyn Hughes says that the greatest obstacle to Christian marriage is "when one expects to have their basic personal needs met by their partner". He isn't saying your partner should not fulfill some needs but not your basic needs. These basic needs are self-worth, security and significance. I have to start asking myself some questions? What do I really need from Mr O? Friendship, companionship, affirmation, does my sense of worth stem from the relationship I have with him? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship has become an idol in my life. I know relationships need to be nurtured but I worry that I'm spending so much time horizontally and not focusing enough on my vertical relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I think the issue doesn't stem so much from the fact that we shouldn't love our partners but we should love nothing and no one more than God. This week, I had a long talk with God about priorities, prioritising God above all else. It's just hard sometimes, keeping everything in balance especially as God is not someone I can call up on the phone or go round to visit or go to the movies with, funny isn't it how I forget so easily that He is always here. I'm learning about practicing the presence of God.
I've always believed we should need our partners, after all why are we in relationships? I need Mr O's humour, calmness, support and rational approach to things to help me with my often harried lifestyle. It's just that fine line between needing someone and being a needy person. I see a needy person as someone that can't do without their partner. Pastor encourages couples to say to each other, "I can live without you (pause for effect) but I choose not to". I think that sums it up, we don't hold on so tightly to a person like we can't breathe if they aren't there. Aloted did a nice post on this here. I know I have a tendency to be clingy but sometimes to combat that I go to the other end of the spectrum, being totally aloof! Lol, help me Lord to live a balanced life.
Now, I'm aware of this, my prayer is for GOD to teach me about balance in all that I do and I'm sure keeping Him in the first position in my heart is a good place to start. Funny, how this post turned out, this wasn't how or even what I intended to write about but it's all good.
Till next time,
XoXo
I remember a conversation I had with a friend, she was telling me about a business idea that she had for a while and it was really interesting because from the sound of it, to me it seemed like this was what she had been born to do. As our conversation drew to a close, she commented that she would start the business when she got married. I was surprised, as in what does marriage have to do with it, she said well, if she had to leave her job it would be good to have the cushion of another income, presumably her husbands'.
I understand that may make sense on the surface but girlfriend was not even in a relationship at the time, so when will this dream come to fruition exactly, my point is I felt she was looking for an excuse for not taking the risk that comes with launching into the deep, not that I blame her but I asked myself what I had been subconsciously delaying while waiting for Mr Right and what my expectations of marriage were. Someone to pay the cable bills while I sort out the phone bills, someone to split the rent with, someone to have children with (at a point in my life, this was my only reason for getting married, I had lost faith in what I call the M word, marriage!)
Selwyn Hughes says that the greatest obstacle to Christian marriage is "when one expects to have their basic personal needs met by their partner". He isn't saying your partner should not fulfill some needs but not your basic needs. These basic needs are self-worth, security and significance. I have to start asking myself some questions? What do I really need from Mr O? Friendship, companionship, affirmation, does my sense of worth stem from the relationship I have with him? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship has become an idol in my life. I know relationships need to be nurtured but I worry that I'm spending so much time horizontally and not focusing enough on my vertical relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I think the issue doesn't stem so much from the fact that we shouldn't love our partners but we should love nothing and no one more than God. This week, I had a long talk with God about priorities, prioritising God above all else. It's just hard sometimes, keeping everything in balance especially as God is not someone I can call up on the phone or go round to visit or go to the movies with, funny isn't it how I forget so easily that He is always here. I'm learning about practicing the presence of God.
I've always believed we should need our partners, after all why are we in relationships? I need Mr O's humour, calmness, support and rational approach to things to help me with my often harried lifestyle. It's just that fine line between needing someone and being a needy person. I see a needy person as someone that can't do without their partner. Pastor encourages couples to say to each other, "I can live without you (pause for effect) but I choose not to". I think that sums it up, we don't hold on so tightly to a person like we can't breathe if they aren't there. Aloted did a nice post on this here. I know I have a tendency to be clingy but sometimes to combat that I go to the other end of the spectrum, being totally aloof! Lol, help me Lord to live a balanced life.
Now, I'm aware of this, my prayer is for GOD to teach me about balance in all that I do and I'm sure keeping Him in the first position in my heart is a good place to start. Funny, how this post turned out, this wasn't how or even what I intended to write about but it's all good.
Till next time,
XoXo
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Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Yummy recipes
As I prepare to be a Mrs, I want to try and cover all fronts; necessary for a balanced life methinks. Just a few recipes I've 'stolen' from the internet, I'm trying to be more adventerous in the kitchen. I'll give credits later but acknowledge that none of this recipes are mine. Feel free to try them out.
Xoxo.
Vegetarian Lasagna
You need:
Onions (1 1/2 - 2 large ones)
Garlic
Bay leaves
Tinned tomatoes (or real ones) 3 cans
Double concentrate tomatoes
Cinnamon
1 maggi cube (stock cube?)
Eggplant (2)
Olive oilCheese1)
First slice the eggplant into as thin slices as possible. Spread a little salt over each slice and let them rest for 30 minutes. This will drain some of the water out. After 30 minutes, put them in the oven with a little oil on 200 degrees C for about 15-20 minutes.
2)Whilst doing this, make the sauce. Start by cutting onions into tiny pieces, fry them with garlic in olive oil. Depends how much you like garlic, but at least 2-3 of them. Mix in 3-4 table spoons of double concentrate tomatoes and the maggi cube. Let it fry for a little bit. Add the tinned tomatoes, bay leaves and cinnamon. It's hard to explain how much, just let it look ok and taste along the way! When you put too much, you'll end up with a too bitter taste. Something that could help for this is add a teaspoon or two of sugar and some more tomatoes. Let this sauce simmer for like 1 hour but TASTE along the way to make sure its good!
3)Lay the slices of eggplant in the bottom of a casserole , just like you would with a lasagna. Layer with the sauce. Then repeat. Put sauce on the top, and some swiss cheese or something.
4) Put it in the oven for 20-30 minutes 200 degrees celcius. Delicious! Can be served with brown rice, sweet potatoes or ordinary potatoes. Really good with tzatziki too.This is how you make tzatziki: Grater half a cucumber into some plain low fat yoghurt, squeeze one garlic into it.Yes - I know garlic gives bad breath but whatever. it IS healthy.Last tip I have - Always try to make your salads as dark green as possible. Contains way more vitamins and nutrition. Spinach leaves works just fine and are very healthy.
Plantain vegetable stew
Awesome way to eat boiled plantain. Add tomatoes, vegetables (spinach), seasoning (like u r cooking stew), and chop the plantain in cubes. It is very, very yummy. Even the one made with green plantain.
Vegetable soup
Ingredients
3 sticks of celery , sliced
2 baking potatoes, diced
1 small/medium onion, diced
1/2-1 leek, sliced
4 small/medium tomatoes, chopped
2 carrots, sliced
1 vegetable stock in 600-800ml hot water
A large pot/pan
Method
1.Put all the vegetables in a pan to fry briefly for a few minutes.
2.Once the vegetables start to steam, add stock and salt.
3.Bring to boil then simmer with a lid on for about 30 minutes or until vegetables are soft.
4.Add pepper if desired and enjoy.
Serves: 2-4
Preparation time: 30 mins
Cooking time: 30-40 mins
Leek and potato soup recipe
Ingredients
Onion, chopped ?
1Leeks, chopped ?
3Large potatoes, chopped ?
2300ml veg or chicken stock
300ml semi skimmed milk
50ml dry white wine
Salt and pepper
Making Method
1. Put all of the vegetables, milk and stock into a large saucepan and bring to the boil.? Simmer on a lower heat for around 25 minutes.
2. Puree in a food processor or blender until it is all smooth.
3. Get a fresh pan and pour in the mixture, add the seasoning and the wine.? Heat soup through.
4. Serve immediately.
Serves: 4Total Preparation Time: 5 minutesTotal Cooking Time: 30 minutes
Chicken noodle soup
Ingredients
900ml chicken stock
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast,
about 175g/6oz1 garlic clove , finely chopped
1tsp fresh root ginger (chopped)
2 shredded spring onions
50g rice or wheat noodles
2 tbsp sweetcorn2-3 thinly sliced mushrooms
2 tsp soy sauce , plus a little extra for serving
mint or basil leaves
shredded chilli
Method
1. Pour the chicken stock into a medium sized pan, add the chicken, garlic & ginger and then bring to the boil. Once boiling reduce the heat, partly cover and allow to simmer for around 20 mins, the chicken will go tender during this time. After 20 mins is up take out the chicken and using a fork shred it into small bit sized pieces.
2. Place the chicken shred back into the stock with the noodles, corn, half the spring onion, mushrooms and the soy sauce. Simmer for around 4 mins until the noodles are soft and tender. Using a ladle pour the soup into two bowls and sprinkle the remaining onions, herbs and chilli shreds over each bowl.
Serves: 4Preparation time: 10 mins Cooking time: 30 mins
The recipes look simple enough, I've never cooked from a recipe before so I'm looking forward to it. Will be back to share on the experience!
Xoxo.
Vegetarian Lasagna
You need:
Onions (1 1/2 - 2 large ones)
Garlic
Bay leaves
Tinned tomatoes (or real ones) 3 cans
Double concentrate tomatoes
Cinnamon
1 maggi cube (stock cube?)
Eggplant (2)
Olive oilCheese1)
First slice the eggplant into as thin slices as possible. Spread a little salt over each slice and let them rest for 30 minutes. This will drain some of the water out. After 30 minutes, put them in the oven with a little oil on 200 degrees C for about 15-20 minutes.
2)Whilst doing this, make the sauce. Start by cutting onions into tiny pieces, fry them with garlic in olive oil. Depends how much you like garlic, but at least 2-3 of them. Mix in 3-4 table spoons of double concentrate tomatoes and the maggi cube. Let it fry for a little bit. Add the tinned tomatoes, bay leaves and cinnamon. It's hard to explain how much, just let it look ok and taste along the way! When you put too much, you'll end up with a too bitter taste. Something that could help for this is add a teaspoon or two of sugar and some more tomatoes. Let this sauce simmer for like 1 hour but TASTE along the way to make sure its good!
3)Lay the slices of eggplant in the bottom of a casserole , just like you would with a lasagna. Layer with the sauce. Then repeat. Put sauce on the top, and some swiss cheese or something.
4) Put it in the oven for 20-30 minutes 200 degrees celcius. Delicious! Can be served with brown rice, sweet potatoes or ordinary potatoes. Really good with tzatziki too.This is how you make tzatziki: Grater half a cucumber into some plain low fat yoghurt, squeeze one garlic into it.Yes - I know garlic gives bad breath but whatever. it IS healthy.Last tip I have - Always try to make your salads as dark green as possible. Contains way more vitamins and nutrition. Spinach leaves works just fine and are very healthy.
Plantain vegetable stew
Awesome way to eat boiled plantain. Add tomatoes, vegetables (spinach), seasoning (like u r cooking stew), and chop the plantain in cubes. It is very, very yummy. Even the one made with green plantain.
Vegetable soup
Ingredients
3 sticks of celery , sliced
2 baking potatoes, diced
1 small/medium onion, diced
1/2-1 leek, sliced
4 small/medium tomatoes, chopped
2 carrots, sliced
1 vegetable stock in 600-800ml hot water
A large pot/pan
Method
1.Put all the vegetables in a pan to fry briefly for a few minutes.
2.Once the vegetables start to steam, add stock and salt.
3.Bring to boil then simmer with a lid on for about 30 minutes or until vegetables are soft.
4.Add pepper if desired and enjoy.
Serves: 2-4
Preparation time: 30 mins
Cooking time: 30-40 mins
Leek and potato soup recipe
Ingredients
Onion, chopped ?
1Leeks, chopped ?
3Large potatoes, chopped ?
2300ml veg or chicken stock
300ml semi skimmed milk
50ml dry white wine
Salt and pepper
Making Method
1. Put all of the vegetables, milk and stock into a large saucepan and bring to the boil.? Simmer on a lower heat for around 25 minutes.
2. Puree in a food processor or blender until it is all smooth.
3. Get a fresh pan and pour in the mixture, add the seasoning and the wine.? Heat soup through.
4. Serve immediately.
Serves: 4Total Preparation Time: 5 minutesTotal Cooking Time: 30 minutes
Chicken noodle soup
Ingredients
900ml chicken stock
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast,
about 175g/6oz1 garlic clove , finely chopped
1tsp fresh root ginger (chopped)
2 shredded spring onions
50g rice or wheat noodles
2 tbsp sweetcorn2-3 thinly sliced mushrooms
2 tsp soy sauce , plus a little extra for serving
mint or basil leaves
shredded chilli
Method
1. Pour the chicken stock into a medium sized pan, add the chicken, garlic & ginger and then bring to the boil. Once boiling reduce the heat, partly cover and allow to simmer for around 20 mins, the chicken will go tender during this time. After 20 mins is up take out the chicken and using a fork shred it into small bit sized pieces.
2. Place the chicken shred back into the stock with the noodles, corn, half the spring onion, mushrooms and the soy sauce. Simmer for around 4 mins until the noodles are soft and tender. Using a ladle pour the soup into two bowls and sprinkle the remaining onions, herbs and chilli shreds over each bowl.
Serves: 4Preparation time: 10 mins Cooking time: 30 mins
The recipes look simple enough, I've never cooked from a recipe before so I'm looking forward to it. Will be back to share on the experience!
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Thursday, 16 April 2009
Knowing me and knowing you...
Yesterday, I allowed my mum to make me upset, I used the word allowed because to be upset or react with any emotion is a choice we have the power to make. The fact that someone says something that is provoking doesn't mean I have to be provoked. Selah!
So what happened? She came into a room in which I happened to be jejely browsing the net and said, "Esther, you may have problems with Mr O because you are quite disorganised whilst you know he likes things being in order, get yourself organised!! Trust Mummy Esther, she just says it as it is, no sugar-coating, just RAW! I got upset because 1. the mess wasn't mine 2. in all honesty, no-one ever likes when they are criticised. However, I'm learning to assess all critical comments that come my way in a way that will be constructive to my life, her words also got me thinking about the differences between I and Mr O.
No I'm not a messy person (stop rolling your eyes I'm not). I just have a higher tolerance for clutter than Mr O and my mum. What I can't abide is dust, my area might be cluttered but never dirty or dusty. So here we are, 2 people learning to walk together in love and in Christ but yet different. I think it's important to be aware of what our differences are and how we can use them to work for us and not against us. I can only do this if I take the time to know first of all who I am and next who he is. It's about knowing me and knowing you. From time to time, I like to critically access myself and check how I'm growing, if I'm getting better at things I need to work on, if I'm relaxing in areas I need to be putting in more effort. Thank God for His grace, He is the only one who can empower us to change into the transformed person He wants us to be. So how are we different?
So what happened? She came into a room in which I happened to be jejely browsing the net and said, "Esther, you may have problems with Mr O because you are quite disorganised whilst you know he likes things being in order, get yourself organised!! Trust Mummy Esther, she just says it as it is, no sugar-coating, just RAW! I got upset because 1. the mess wasn't mine 2. in all honesty, no-one ever likes when they are criticised. However, I'm learning to assess all critical comments that come my way in a way that will be constructive to my life, her words also got me thinking about the differences between I and Mr O.
No I'm not a messy person (stop rolling your eyes I'm not). I just have a higher tolerance for clutter than Mr O and my mum. What I can't abide is dust, my area might be cluttered but never dirty or dusty. So here we are, 2 people learning to walk together in love and in Christ but yet different. I think it's important to be aware of what our differences are and how we can use them to work for us and not against us. I can only do this if I take the time to know first of all who I am and next who he is. It's about knowing me and knowing you. From time to time, I like to critically access myself and check how I'm growing, if I'm getting better at things I need to work on, if I'm relaxing in areas I need to be putting in more effort. Thank God for His grace, He is the only one who can empower us to change into the transformed person He wants us to be. So how are we different?
- Though we're from the same country, we're from different ethnic groups, different languages, different cultures
- We support different football teams in the English Premiership, different countries in international matches, this is usually no biggie as I know I support the best team (no discussion!)
- He's the spender, I'm the saver
- He's sanguine, I'm more melancholic
- He's so English (prim, proper, minding your p's and q's, compulsive tea drinker) in his style and mannerisms, I tend to be more American (carefree, friendly and open, don't really like caffeinated drinks!!)
- He's OCD when it comes to arranging while I'm not
- His parents are separated and mine are not (at least in terms of living together)
- His background is social sciences while I am pure sciences. I never realised that your education has a way of influencing the way you live!
- We attend different churches although we both have a Pentecostal background
- I hate ironing and he loves ironing (laundry issues settled! hopefully)
I can't really remember more at this point but will update as I go along. With our differences however are similarities like we both love God and each other. We have good relationships with our siblings, we both have a great sense of humour and love to gossip!
I believe that we are all created by God as unique individuals. Whilst some differences might be grating on the nerves sometimes, I believe there are essential to a relationship because two different pairs of eyes will see broader than a pair as long as we are working in unity. However, similarities are important in some essential areas to provide a good foundation and stability. The Bible says it is difficult for two people to walk together except they are agreed. This is especially important with regards to faith.
By the grace of God, I pray to be more aware of myself, of Mr O with regards to our strengths and weaknesses and how we can build our relationships on our strengths using them to propel us forward and I trust God by His grace that this will be so.
Still learning, loving and growing.
XoXo..
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Thursday, 2 April 2009
Still on submission
I was reading my Bible on the train today and felt led to the book of Philippians. I read Chapter 2 in an entirely new way and have turned it into a prayer of submission for myself on those days when it gets too difficult...
The beginning of the chapter encourages believers in living together in peace and unity, if only I could remember these words and apply to all my relationships..
Paul says.."then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others".
A prayer for the submissive wife
Lord may my attitude be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
because although being in very nature like man
I will not consider equality with him something to be grasped
but make myself as nothing
taking the very nature of a servant
being made a submissive wife
being found in attitude and appearance as a respectful one
I humble myself
becoming obedient to the point of the death of my flesh
carrying this cross daily
therefore my husband will honour me to the highest place
and give me a name that he calls no other
for he shall say
Many women do noble things
but you surpass them all
for charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
but you are a woman who fears the Lord and you will be praised
You are my beloved and I am yours
(c) Esther Hadassah 2009, adapted from Philippians Chapter 2 and Proverbs 31
Thank God for God, there is nothing that concerns us that He has not given an idea in His word. I pray He gives me the grace to continue growing in His grace.
XoXo
The beginning of the chapter encourages believers in living together in peace and unity, if only I could remember these words and apply to all my relationships..
Paul says.."then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others".
A prayer for the submissive wife
Lord may my attitude be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
because although being in very nature like man
I will not consider equality with him something to be grasped
but make myself as nothing
taking the very nature of a servant
being made a submissive wife
being found in attitude and appearance as a respectful one
I humble myself
becoming obedient to the point of the death of my flesh
carrying this cross daily
therefore my husband will honour me to the highest place
and give me a name that he calls no other
for he shall say
Many women do noble things
but you surpass them all
for charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
but you are a woman who fears the Lord and you will be praised
You are my beloved and I am yours
(c) Esther Hadassah 2009, adapted from Philippians Chapter 2 and Proverbs 31
Thank God for God, there is nothing that concerns us that He has not given an idea in His word. I pray He gives me the grace to continue growing in His grace.
XoXo
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Friday, 27 March 2009
What are you saying? Communication is key..
To me, communication is a bedrock of a relationship. If everything rises and falls on leadership as John Maxwell says, relationships thrive or wilt depending on how partners communicate. I looked up the word communicate on dictionary.org and came up with the following definitions/descriptions.
1.to impart knowledge of; make known: to communicate information; to communicate one's happiness.
2. to give to another; impart; transmit: to communicate a disease.
3.to give or interchange thoughts, feelings, information, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc.: They communicate with each other every day.
4.to express thoughts, feelings, or information easily or effectively.
5.to be joined or connected: The rooms communicated by means of a hallway.
So basically it's an exchange between I and Mr O, I and my mum, I and whoever I am communicating with of ideas, thoughts, feeling, information e.t.c. Pastor says that communication involves three basic principles. Talking, listening and understanding. Get these 3 right and we will save ourselves a lot of stress. He also mentioned that for communication to occur there must be a speaker, a medium through which communication goes through and the receiver and also from speaker to receiver there are certain guidelines that should be put in place before effective communication can occur.
We haven't discussed this topic in full detail and by the grace of God, I hope to share what I have learnt and how I'm practically applying what I'm learning. This is an area of great interest to me because effective communication is not one of my strongest points. I and Mr O started out as friends, as in just friends. We attended the same church and were placed in the same department to serve. Funny enough, I and his younger brother were even closer friends and I used to see him as my friends egbon..it's amazing what a few years can do to you isn't it? I always encourage my sisters, please develop relationships with people even outside of your comfort zone. He may not really seem like who you think he should be but always keep an open mind plus an open ear to God who is the one who reveals the thoughts and intents of the hearts of man!
From acquaintances to friends, to closer friends, to almost brother/sister to courtship should have been a smooth transition shouldn't it? I mean we had known each other for almost seven years before we started thinking about a 'relationship' so our foundation should have been strong and solid as a rock..yes? NO, a very big NO if I may add. Now, there are two sides to every story and unfortunately Mr O cannot come and share his side but well..maybe? A lot of issues that we had at the beginning of our relationship were in my opinion due to a lack of communication on both sides. We were both assuming (ASS-U-ME..get it!) a lot of things about the other rather than finding a way to talk through issues and importantly RESOLVE them. It's no point going back and forth over an issue when each person is trying to prove their point without it gearing towards RESOLUTION (Dang, Holy Spirit, this must be a setup so that there's somewhere to put me back in order when I go offtrack!).
When something happens, I would rather talk about it there and then and get it over with, no so with my oga, he withdraws into himself until he can find his answer and keep on stepping. I've been told this is typical of men and women. As I liked to say it then and there, I never used to take into account timing with respect to communication. There is a time to talk and a time to keep quiet the Bible says, there is also a way to talk..FG did an excellent post on this here. For good communication, one must speak, the other must listen and both must UNDERSTAND.
To prevent myself from raising my voice when I'm particularly bothered about an issue, I write it in an email, this helps me structure my thoughts as there is no way to delete a spoken word although I might add a big part of communication is non-verbal so there are some discussions better suited for face to face. There was an instance where I sent the email and was shocked, hurt, angered and really bitter about the response I received. I asked myself how Mr O could possibly read the meaning he read from the words I sent. I too sent my own missile. Isn't it funny how we throw bombs at each other and raise our hands in surprise when all around is debris!
Thank God for God in this instance, He spoke to Mr O who spoke to me kindly and tenderly. We discussed the issue, understood where the other person was coming from, which enabled us forgive each other and deepened our relationship. I must say that when the Bible says all things will work together for your good it has been true to us. From every major misunderstanding we have had (there haven't been that many!!) we have by the grace of God emerged stronger. It is only by His grace, I can't even boast. I am trying and striving to commit every area of my relationship to the One who is the author and finisher, He does not create confusion but makes everything beautiful in it's time.
I believe in terms of communication we still have some way to go but I trust God will be with us every step of the way. I am learning to think about what I say/write before doing it, also to go with God's guidance regarding timing, saying the right thing at the wrong time can sometimes come across the wrong way. I'm learning and growing. Love is a good thing and not only between a man and a woman. One of my personal favourite sayings is that relationships are mirrors through which we view ourselves. I can't wait for the next class to get some more tips for effective communication.
XoXo.
1.to impart knowledge of; make known: to communicate information; to communicate one's happiness.
2. to give to another; impart; transmit: to communicate a disease.
3.to give or interchange thoughts, feelings, information, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc.: They communicate with each other every day.
4.to express thoughts, feelings, or information easily or effectively.
5.to be joined or connected: The rooms communicated by means of a hallway.
So basically it's an exchange between I and Mr O, I and my mum, I and whoever I am communicating with of ideas, thoughts, feeling, information e.t.c. Pastor says that communication involves three basic principles. Talking, listening and understanding. Get these 3 right and we will save ourselves a lot of stress. He also mentioned that for communication to occur there must be a speaker, a medium through which communication goes through and the receiver and also from speaker to receiver there are certain guidelines that should be put in place before effective communication can occur.
We haven't discussed this topic in full detail and by the grace of God, I hope to share what I have learnt and how I'm practically applying what I'm learning. This is an area of great interest to me because effective communication is not one of my strongest points. I and Mr O started out as friends, as in just friends. We attended the same church and were placed in the same department to serve. Funny enough, I and his younger brother were even closer friends and I used to see him as my friends egbon..it's amazing what a few years can do to you isn't it? I always encourage my sisters, please develop relationships with people even outside of your comfort zone. He may not really seem like who you think he should be but always keep an open mind plus an open ear to God who is the one who reveals the thoughts and intents of the hearts of man!
From acquaintances to friends, to closer friends, to almost brother/sister to courtship should have been a smooth transition shouldn't it? I mean we had known each other for almost seven years before we started thinking about a 'relationship' so our foundation should have been strong and solid as a rock..yes? NO, a very big NO if I may add. Now, there are two sides to every story and unfortunately Mr O cannot come and share his side but well..maybe? A lot of issues that we had at the beginning of our relationship were in my opinion due to a lack of communication on both sides. We were both assuming (ASS-U-ME..get it!) a lot of things about the other rather than finding a way to talk through issues and importantly RESOLVE them. It's no point going back and forth over an issue when each person is trying to prove their point without it gearing towards RESOLUTION (Dang, Holy Spirit, this must be a setup so that there's somewhere to put me back in order when I go offtrack!).
When something happens, I would rather talk about it there and then and get it over with, no so with my oga, he withdraws into himself until he can find his answer and keep on stepping. I've been told this is typical of men and women. As I liked to say it then and there, I never used to take into account timing with respect to communication. There is a time to talk and a time to keep quiet the Bible says, there is also a way to talk..FG did an excellent post on this here. For good communication, one must speak, the other must listen and both must UNDERSTAND.
To prevent myself from raising my voice when I'm particularly bothered about an issue, I write it in an email, this helps me structure my thoughts as there is no way to delete a spoken word although I might add a big part of communication is non-verbal so there are some discussions better suited for face to face. There was an instance where I sent the email and was shocked, hurt, angered and really bitter about the response I received. I asked myself how Mr O could possibly read the meaning he read from the words I sent. I too sent my own missile. Isn't it funny how we throw bombs at each other and raise our hands in surprise when all around is debris!
Thank God for God in this instance, He spoke to Mr O who spoke to me kindly and tenderly. We discussed the issue, understood where the other person was coming from, which enabled us forgive each other and deepened our relationship. I must say that when the Bible says all things will work together for your good it has been true to us. From every major misunderstanding we have had (there haven't been that many!!) we have by the grace of God emerged stronger. It is only by His grace, I can't even boast. I am trying and striving to commit every area of my relationship to the One who is the author and finisher, He does not create confusion but makes everything beautiful in it's time.
I believe in terms of communication we still have some way to go but I trust God will be with us every step of the way. I am learning to think about what I say/write before doing it, also to go with God's guidance regarding timing, saying the right thing at the wrong time can sometimes come across the wrong way. I'm learning and growing. Love is a good thing and not only between a man and a woman. One of my personal favourite sayings is that relationships are mirrors through which we view ourselves. I can't wait for the next class to get some more tips for effective communication.
XoXo.
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Friday, 20 March 2009
Who's in charge? Our roles in marriage
For the past two weeks, Pastor has been discussing on this topic. The issue of roles in marriage. I just discovered that Pastor is using Selwyn Hughe's Marriage as God intended as the supporting text for the classes and I got my copy this week. So far, so great! It's a wonderful book and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone whether you are just considering marriage or already married.
Anyway, back to my ponderings...roles in marriage. This can usually turn to a hot topic because usually it's the man is the head, the woman should submit e.t.c, e.t.c. As always, Pastor referred us back to the Bible which tells us that 'husbands should love their wives...let me get it straight from the apostle's mouth.
Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, Because we are members (parts) of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; Ephesians 5:28-33
Pastor taught us that the role of the husband is that of a LOVING LEADER. Not just a leader or a tyrant or the Big Boss but a loving leader. The Bible commands men to love their wives as they love themselves and as Christ loves the church. Most importantly, as he loves himself. I've come to realise that the men actually have the 'tougher' deal. How did Christ love the church? He loved her enough to shed His blood for her on calvary even when she did not acknowledge the love. This is the type of love shown by Hosea for Gomer. I don't think this type of love can actually come from one's self but from the Lord. Pastor explained how this love can be shown practically.
The husband must express his love through acts of service and acts of kindness. Dates, gifts, words of affirmation, touch, hugs kinda reminds me of the 5 love languages. He should also be willing to sacrifice for her and a sacrifice is not a sacrifice if it isn't worth something to the other person, he must be willing to keep her in high esteem and be patient with her when she makes mistakes. There's a last one I can't remember at the moment! Wow, I guess Mr O has his work cut out. I pray that he be the man that God has created him to be because this is no easy task. I and Mr O have this saying when one of us thanks the other for something that has been done. We say "It's part of my job description" so if it makes you happy, I do it because that my job!
For us the women (wives), Apostle Paul didn't forget us and although this verse has been preached in so many ways with so many responses, I got a new insight when I read Rev Hughes words on this matter. The Scripture says;
Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord...As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands...and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly Ephesians 5:22,24 and 33b
My first feeling was wow, God is this possible but if God has asked it of us, surely He must know that I will be able to do it by His strength of course. I like the way it is written in the Amplified Bible. I should adapt myself to him as a service to the Lord. God has already given us the pattern of how this submission should be. I am defining submission as an attitude in which I acknowledge the fact that my husband is the loving leader in our home. As Jesus was subject to the will of the Father and I am subject to Christ in all that I do, so my will should be subject to that of my husband. There can be no submission without love and trust. Jesus loves me this I know, I trust that whatever He asks of me is always in my best interest, this does not always mean that I willingly go in the direction, He asks of me.
Pastor said that the fact that your husband is the loving leader and you the submissive follower does not mean he just says this is it and that's that. A loving leader asks for the opinion of the one who follows because if you don't need others opinions then why did you get married in the first place. Adam needed Eve and it would be silly for him to discount her say on the matter. Pastor said that we need to get to a place where our husbands had the right on the final say in a matter.
Hmm, I know I'm not there yet but this to me buttresses the importance of the choice I am making in a life partner. It's not that I don't trust Mr O but honestly, I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can wholeheartedly say that I can trust all his decisions but then neither can I trust all my decisions either, there should be room for both of us to make mistakes. So far in our relationship, he usually tries to get my opinion on matters especially those that directly affect us. I'm not a good one with ultimatums, I was remarking this fact to a girlfriend...don't tell me "or else" because I'll come back with "or else what". I know I have some way to go before I get this submission thing but Father give me the grace and strength to walk in the attitude of submission. Help my husband to be to be a loving leader in Jesus name.
The other role of a wife is to respect her husband. Respect him...how? The Amplified Bible shows how. I know I've not perfected this yet but by the grace of God I will make a conscious effort to praise, honour, respect, reverence, admire and love Mr O. On my way home from the class I sent Mr O a text indicating I would try my best to do these and more by the grace of God and his reply made me smile.
"Madam. Thank you for being you. Your smile, voice, understanding and of course I'll respect, honour, celebrate and love you always xxxxxxx". Me thinks I must be doing some things right or what do you reckon?
Anyway, back to my ponderings...roles in marriage. This can usually turn to a hot topic because usually it's the man is the head, the woman should submit e.t.c, e.t.c. As always, Pastor referred us back to the Bible which tells us that 'husbands should love their wives...let me get it straight from the apostle's mouth.
Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, Because we are members (parts) of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; Ephesians 5:28-33
Pastor taught us that the role of the husband is that of a LOVING LEADER. Not just a leader or a tyrant or the Big Boss but a loving leader. The Bible commands men to love their wives as they love themselves and as Christ loves the church. Most importantly, as he loves himself. I've come to realise that the men actually have the 'tougher' deal. How did Christ love the church? He loved her enough to shed His blood for her on calvary even when she did not acknowledge the love. This is the type of love shown by Hosea for Gomer. I don't think this type of love can actually come from one's self but from the Lord. Pastor explained how this love can be shown practically.
The husband must express his love through acts of service and acts of kindness. Dates, gifts, words of affirmation, touch, hugs kinda reminds me of the 5 love languages. He should also be willing to sacrifice for her and a sacrifice is not a sacrifice if it isn't worth something to the other person, he must be willing to keep her in high esteem and be patient with her when she makes mistakes. There's a last one I can't remember at the moment! Wow, I guess Mr O has his work cut out. I pray that he be the man that God has created him to be because this is no easy task. I and Mr O have this saying when one of us thanks the other for something that has been done. We say "It's part of my job description" so if it makes you happy, I do it because that my job!
For us the women (wives), Apostle Paul didn't forget us and although this verse has been preached in so many ways with so many responses, I got a new insight when I read Rev Hughes words on this matter. The Scripture says;
Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord...As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands...and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly Ephesians 5:22,24 and 33b
My first feeling was wow, God is this possible but if God has asked it of us, surely He must know that I will be able to do it by His strength of course. I like the way it is written in the Amplified Bible. I should adapt myself to him as a service to the Lord. God has already given us the pattern of how this submission should be. I am defining submission as an attitude in which I acknowledge the fact that my husband is the loving leader in our home. As Jesus was subject to the will of the Father and I am subject to Christ in all that I do, so my will should be subject to that of my husband. There can be no submission without love and trust. Jesus loves me this I know, I trust that whatever He asks of me is always in my best interest, this does not always mean that I willingly go in the direction, He asks of me.
Pastor said that the fact that your husband is the loving leader and you the submissive follower does not mean he just says this is it and that's that. A loving leader asks for the opinion of the one who follows because if you don't need others opinions then why did you get married in the first place. Adam needed Eve and it would be silly for him to discount her say on the matter. Pastor said that we need to get to a place where our husbands had the right on the final say in a matter.
Hmm, I know I'm not there yet but this to me buttresses the importance of the choice I am making in a life partner. It's not that I don't trust Mr O but honestly, I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can wholeheartedly say that I can trust all his decisions but then neither can I trust all my decisions either, there should be room for both of us to make mistakes. So far in our relationship, he usually tries to get my opinion on matters especially those that directly affect us. I'm not a good one with ultimatums, I was remarking this fact to a girlfriend...don't tell me "or else" because I'll come back with "or else what". I know I have some way to go before I get this submission thing but Father give me the grace and strength to walk in the attitude of submission. Help my husband to be to be a loving leader in Jesus name.
The other role of a wife is to respect her husband. Respect him...how? The Amplified Bible shows how. I know I've not perfected this yet but by the grace of God I will make a conscious effort to praise, honour, respect, reverence, admire and love Mr O. On my way home from the class I sent Mr O a text indicating I would try my best to do these and more by the grace of God and his reply made me smile.
"Madam. Thank you for being you. Your smile, voice, understanding and of course I'll respect, honour, celebrate and love you always xxxxxxx". Me thinks I must be doing some things right or what do you reckon?
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