Love is you..

What's your definition of it? How's it make you feel?
Tell me what'd you say that truly makes it real
Kings and queens, philosophers have tried so hard to find
Tell me what it means to you, dear, never mind

Love is kind when the world is cold
Love stays strong when the fight gets old
Love is a shoulder to lean on, love is you

Love's like the water when the well runs dry
Quench my thirst, keep me alive
Just need one sip, baby, love is you
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you

Is it possible there's a kiss that's so divine?
Or am I just too fool? Is it all in my mind?
Is there something chemical? A scientist might say
Well, love must be drug to make me feel this way

'Cause love is my permission to be who I am
Knowing the business 'cause you understand
Freedom to breathe, oh baby, love is you

Love's like a kiss when the sun goes down
Holds me tight when no one's around
Love's what I wanna hold on to, love is you
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you

Love is kind, it makes me stronger
I don't have to look no longer
You're the one I'd cling to, love is you

When the chips are down
Love will stick around
I'm so glad I found, love is you

Masters have tried to clarify
Love's quite simple, it's just my guide
A perfect definition
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you, is you

Love is you by Chrisette Michele

Love is a verb..

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love 1st Corinthians 13

Love, in all its forms is a beautiful thing. The love God has for us demonstrated in the sacrificial giving of His Son, the love of a husband for his wife as he pretends his eyes are just misty as she walks down the aisle on her dad's arm, the love of a mother for her newborn as she coos and sings and rocks him gently to sleep. The love of a friend who sits in the waiting room praying that when the doctor walks in it will be good news. Love, in all its forms is a beautiful thing but like all beautiful things, maintenance requires hard work.

Like a beautiful flower that is appreciated by all, it is easy to forget that it all begun with the death of a seed, being buried unnoticed in the dirt, the sun shining, the rain falling before the manifestation of what is beautiful. Sometimes relationships are like that, going through the daily grind of keeping it working can be tasking but we must keep at it. I read 1st Corinthians 13 and I'm like am I really like that, honestly, no but I'm committing to working at it.

Green grass requires work to keep it shining, no use looking at the other side wishing that was what you had. I'm learning about embracing seasons, sometimes love doesn't come as natural to me, sometimes I don't 'feel' the love, at those times I think it's even more important to remember that love is a verb, something one does much more than something one feels. So if you are at a point where you don't feel anything, just do something, say something, cook something, write something, pray something, take the little steps to get to where you want to be.

One step at a time, one day at a time and very soon you'll be the green grass that everyone wants. That's my goal now and with God's help I'm working towards it.

Dear God,

Thank you for Mr O, no man has the ability to make me smile as much (or frown as much), no man has made me laugh as much (well, or cry as much) but I thank you because overall he is the man you made me for, the man you keep working in me for, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Help him be the man you created him to be. Teach us how to love each other and keep our relationship strong in Jesus name.

I pray the same for others who walk this path!

Till later,
XoXo

Irrelevant strangers

I am sitting across you unable to keep eye contact. I feel your eyes on me, looking at me, willing them to stare back into yours so you can see what your words are doing. My ears are listening to what your mouth is saying but it is becoming confusing as for each sentence and phrase my mind creates another and I am obliged to listen to you both.

This isn't working, you say, you need some space to find yourself but my head is also asking if it isn't working because of her, if you are finding yourself with her. Somewhere along the conversation I realise I have lost you, it must have been somewhere between the 'Its not you, its me' and 'I hope this does not affect our friendship and our business'. I want to laugh at this point but fear how it would look. I feel you waiting for me to burst into tears and honestly I'm waiting for it too. It's funny as I watch us both destroy so quickly what we've built in the last decade. I see beyond your shoulder to Daddy's 'I told you so' and Mummy's shocked look as she realises I might not need the dress after all.

When did we become irrelevant strangers, you and I? When did we stop caring? When did we stop listening and touching and noticing? When did we stop speaking? When did summer's heat become winter's freeze? When..

But you cut through the conversation between myself and I and I hear you tell me how it will all be ok because I am so strong, one of the things you loved most about me you say as you get the bill and I realise we are using past tense already. The evening is over and so are we. I open my mouth to speak but can't will my lips to separate. Pride prevents the tears from falling, at least on the outside! At the tube station, I convert the embrace to a perfunctory handshake as you head west and I east, signalling our future, travelling in opposite directions.

I laugh then because I feel I can but then it comes; that pain that goes from my chest to my belly in the fraction of a second. It is then the tears start to fall. The tears speak, telling me I am human and externalising my pain, what they fail to tell me is that they will never stop, at least not for months to come.

Xoxo

What do we believe?

Hi people

How you doing? Hope you're living, loving and learning! I'm just imagining the amount of information out there on blogville, esp about relationships, it's all good. My biggest prayer is that I live out what I believe, in Jesus name. Amen. A new day, a new question. I decided to send my answer to my last question on things Mr O does that annoy/like and he was pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure I want him to read my blog though he may well find it now but I think I'll do a better job of communicating TO him what I communicate ABOUT him and us.

Where do you stand on faith?

I like the fact that he used faith, faith implies you believe something. It's not just about ticking an option under the heading religion. It asks the question 'What do you believe?' I believe many things but I think the most important thing I believe is in God, the Almighty God, that He created me and He has a purpose for my life. I believe in Jesus Christ, God who became man and dwelt amongst us, died for me, rose again and went to be with the Father whilst always keeping an eye out for me. I believe in the Holy Spirit, that He is a Counsellor, a Helper, I believe I should grow in His fruit and also His gifts. I believe in prayer, in speaking the word, in fasting, in worship, in praise.

My faith is in God because all else may fail but never Him. When it comes to faith, I believe both partners should be on the same page, not so much in intensity/fervour for we chase and run at different paces but the passion should be there. I believe in tolerance but I know I couldn't marry someone of a different faith. I just think it's one of those areas you should be on the same page on. Feel free to disagree with me, I believe there are enough things to discuss about without debating on whether God exists or if good works equates with salvation. A lot of decisions I make are based on my faith, my value systems are based on mostly on a Biblical perspective. I'm not perfect but by God's grace I try my best.

I'd always thought I would marry a 'very spiritual' man, funny thing is that I never actually defined what spiritual meant! Lol! I think I always got the impression from what I heard that as the role of the husband is to be the priest of his home, he had to be like super duper deep and super duper deeper in the things of God than I was. I think I've stepped away from that thinking because I try to look at people in general as all in equal need of the grace of God and spirituality is more of an inner behaviour than outward. I'd rather a man that only prayed the Lord's prayer morning and night than someone who was revered in the church and beat me at home! Also, from what I see, women tend to have this passion for Christ that I don't come across as often in men but then maybe I am somewhat biased!

I and Mr O don't pray as often as I would like, we don't attend the same church but we do go to church together once in a while and I know he loves God. We don't agree on some things but we are growing and learning. I believe faith and church are different things, I find it amusing when people automatically assume I will start attending his church when we get married. I'm not saying I won't but I know I will prefer not to, I enjoyed Pastor's counselling sessions but I've attended the church and just didn't relax in the atmosphere, to a certain degree we carry our own atmosphere with us but I just would rather we worshipped somewhere else. We are still praying about it and have not made a final decision but for now we are looking at attending a different church from where either of us worship at present. I think it's important to go to church together, it's good for the couple, we both hear what Pastor said, it's also a great environment for children to grow up in.

However my prayer is that we both as individuals continue to thirst and pant after God, so that we can encourage each other as a couple. I pray for him to be a man after God's heart and that he will teach the next generation about the things of God.
I believe faith is the centre of all things especially for me because I don't think I can succeed in this relationship without Him.

So get talking because the words that proceed from the mouth signify what the heart believes. We can talk 'churchese' for a while but after a period of time the real deal begins to come forth. I guess as long as we are on the same main page we can keep talking, praying and compromising on the letters where we have different views as long as we remember that God and the Bible have the last word!

Till later...

XoXo

We will dance

This song came up on my Ipod this evening and it really spoke to me, sometimes love can be like a dance, sometimes in rhythm, sometimes out but we make a committment to always keep dancing. Hope this song blesses you!


I've watched the sunrise in your eyes
And I've seen the tears fall like the rain
You've seen me fight so brave and strong
You've held my hand when I'm afraid
We've watched the seasons come and go
We'll see them come and go again
But in winter's chill, or summer's breeze
One thing will not be changin'

We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance

Sometimes it's hard to hold you tight
Sometimes we feel so far apart
Sometimes we dance as one
And feel the beating of each others heartsS
ome days the dance is slow and sweet
Some days we're bouncing off the walls
No matter how this world may turn
Our love will keep us from fallin'

And we will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance
The music will play


And I'll hold you close
And I won't let you go
Even when our steps
Grow weak and slow
Still I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we, will dance


Steven Curtis Chapman (All about love)

I like you but not always what you do

Hi everyone

Happy New Year, welcome to 2010! I pray this will be a year of better things in the mighty name of Jesus. Wow, that was a long break! Never really thought that I would be gone for so long. So I'll continue with the twenty questions.

What annoys you the most about me? What do you enjoy the most about being with me?

Over the past few months, I'm slowly beginning to live out the knowledge about relationships I have been gathering over the years. Every book I have read, every conversation I have had always alludes to the same point, that no one is perfect, not me and not Mr O. I say it all the time but struggle to deal with the reality of what that means sometimes. I have really been working on deepening my relationship with the Lord, He is perfect because God always understands! Marriage is made up of an imperfect man and an imperfect woman who are committed to loving perfectly and bound by God's perfect love which makes them a three fold cord that is not easily broken.

One of the things I have learnt about my wonderful Mr O is that he is hesitant to talk about things he doesn't like about me, maybe I'm really that scary..lol! Over time, I'm beginning to learn more about non-verbal communication, that someone doesn't say something doesn't mean they haven't said anything. Hmm, Esther, what do you mean? Remember when you were out and playing the fool, Mama never had to say nothing, just a slight incline to the eye brow meant something, she could even be smiling but you knew that if the eyebrows went above a certain threshold, your behind was gonna be a bit sore before you went to bed!

If he likes something, he says it, so when he keeps quiet I can pretty much guess he doesn't like it. On one hand, I believe that strong relationships, no matter what type should be able to handle the TRUTH. There should be the freedom to say things your partner doesn't necessarily want to hear without any fear of repercussions for such expression. I'm learning to be careful about how I respond to criticism because I don't want him to feel that he can't say something because I'm going to blow off. I might get upset but maturity involves dealing with criticism by seeing it for what it is, learning from it or putting it aside and most importantly moving on.

The things I love about Mr O, I'm sure I must have mentioned in a previous post but well you can never say good things too much and I can always come back here to read it on those days when I get.....oh well!

Mr O is patient with me, he lets me hog the remote (as long as Prison Break is not on, lol!), He's not the type that sits in the living room while the Mrs slaves away in the kitchen and does all the household chores as well. One day I sent a message to Mr O's mum thanking her for the work she did in raising such a well mannered man because I know I am reaping a lot of benefits of her hard work. I enjoy being with him because when he is around I relax, I tend to worry a lot and just hearing him say It's ok or just something makes me put my mind at rest. Especially when I'm travelling, I tend to panic a bit, always checking to see I've got my ticket, passport and Mastercard! Lol! He always tries to make sure we go to the airport together and he stays until I go past security. Hmm, all this just makes me feel like giving him a big hug.

Mr O can make me laugh, we gossip a lot and there's this funny way his eyes go when we see some wierd stuff happening around us and we can't really make any comments about it there and then. I love the way he relates with my family, if you come to my home you'll think he's my mum's son which he is but you can't really tell who is the child or prospective in-law, this has always been important to me because marriage is about becoming one with your partner but realising as an independent unit you are also part of a bigger picture!

I love the way he encourages me when I am down, the way he remembers me in little things and tolerates my obsession with the colour brown. I enjoy being with him because he brings things to the table I have no idea about, I call him Mr Posh because he knows all these facts and all such things, how to sit, all etiquette do's and don'ts! Sometimes I just look at him and say wow!! I love the fact that he gives me the space to be who I am, to be an individual, yes we are a couple but sometimes we just need space to connect with God or with ourselves. Mr O is a generous person, he gives and not just to me. He's one of those people who find it hard to say no to people which I'm not entirely sure is a good thing because sometimes I think people do take advantage of the fact.

So well, what do I find annoying? Strange enough, like most women say. It's the little things, the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's those messages that don't get responded to, the feeling of being 'kept outside' of his life when he's facing challenges and bigger issues like budgeting or lack thereof, not taking the time to understand what I'm saying when it's something he doesn't really want to hear. In recent times I have made a decision to discuss and resolve issues as they arise. I was chatting with a friend recently and she said she attributes the success of her marriage to the ability of both her and her husband to say what needs to be said in love even when the other person is not going to be happy to hear it. That's a guideline I'll be willing to follow not only with Mr O but with my friends as well. A friend loves at all times the Bible says and sometimes that love involves telling the painful truth! Ok and if I'm honest a compliment on how I look when we're going out would be nice.

I'm sure there might be little annoying things I'll discover when we actually live together, maybe his low clutter threshold may make me roll my eyes every once in a while but better OCD than slob. I can't stand it when people just throw clothes all over the floor en route to the shower! However I trust that what holds us both together will always be more than whatever would try to separate us. I guess on average there are more things to enjoy than annoy. I love my boo.

I thought I would actually have more annoying things to write but I guess we've really got to a place of acceptance, we still have misunderstandings but not as often and rarely over the same issue twice. I believe we are growing and I pray this New year will be our very best year yet. I pray the same for you as well.

Till later, keep on living, loving and laughing..

Xoxo

Reasons why I am still single

Hi everyone

In an older post, I said that I would write a post with the above title. I actually thought of writing this as a letter a long time ago and sending it in the mail to anyone who asked me "What is happening?", "When are we coming?", "Are you still not married"..hmm, I intended to a bit sarcastic but have decided to do an honest evaluation and share my views. Mr O dislikes it when I say I'm single, he says the right term is 'in a relationship', I guess he is right but by saying single I mean unmarried which is the definition I'm using in this post.

So in no particular order here goes;

• Wasting time being good enough as a 'friend' but not wife material

Well, I can write an epistle on this. Yes, yes, I know we are encouraged to marry our best friend and it is true. Marriage is held together not so much by eros (passionate love) as it is by phileo (brotherly love) and agape (unconditional love). I had a very close male friend (DL) who I met when I was about 18, he is actually the only male friend I have had and known longer than Mr O. We were best friends, we would talk, he said I was his soul mate and vice versa. I was young when we met but I think there was a part of me that really felt he was the one for me. Even till date, he is one of the few people that I can say know me very well. For me, he was the one, anyone who stepped up to me couldn't match up to him so there was no point starting anything, we were soul mates weren't we? Imagine my elation when he told me that he had a crush on someone and he knew I would be very surprised, of course I was when it turned out to be a mutual friend! Lol! Strange enough, even after that I still thought he was the one for me, until he got engaged to someone else. I see some of my friends make this mistake, women we love but if a man has not expressly made his intentions clear, I believe we are still very 'available'. A friend of mine had this friend, she was everything and more. I asked her if she was sure there wasn't more to their friendship from her side and she even got annoyed but I didn't want her going to a place I had lived before because to me the guy was not interested in her like that. Anyway to cut a long story short, he introduced her to his fiancee and she had a major breakdown including hospitalisation. I might be wrong but I don't believe men marry the most available woman, the one who is always ready to do this and that, always there, they just marry who they want to marry! By this I'm not saying don't be a good female friends to the men in your life but examine your motives. If they're friends, let them be friends, don't dream, don't do the FLAMES game with their name. If they become more than friends, even better because you have the advantage of knowing them without best foot forward. This is a personal opinion but I always wonder when I see girls who have so many male friends and are single, meet my good friend Goke, my very good friend Uche, my ex Musa but if all these men are here why don't they see us as wife material? Yes, I know, we didn't see him that way and they don't see us that way but why is this?

• Wasted opportunities while waiting for Mr Perfect

For me, Mr Right was Mr Perfect, he had to be this, this, this. Not so much tall, dark and handsome as focused, purpose driven, some cash wouldn't be too bad. None of the characteristics I have written down are bad and are essential and desirable qualities in a mate but I think the issue I had was not separating the essential from the desirable. Like any vacancy, the advert asks for some essential skills in the person profile, this means if you don't have this, don't bother applying but there are some desirable skills as well, which means you don't need to have this now but we can train you when you get on board. I was really hung up on marrying a really 'spiritual' brother without really defining spiritual. Well, I dated someone who 'acted' spiritual but didn't 'live' spiritual. It's so funny that my Holy Ghost talking brother couldn't keep his hands to himself but Mr O can and does. Thank God for mentors! God opened my eyes, the man may not tick all the boxes, he may earn less than you do and might be two inches shorter than your ideal but if he ticks the desirable, I say give love a chance. People usually say God's time is the best, I read a blog where the author was talking about God's time and it's time, sometime while we are waiting for what we think is God's time, the time for a particular thing begins to wane. I consider myself an older single so I definitely do not mean any disrespect. God has a plan for us as individuals and I truly believe for some this includes what seems like delay in getting married especially when there are some lessons we need to learn as singles, however there comes a time in a woman's life when knocks on the door are not as frequent as when we were younger. For some, being of the same ethnic tribe is an ESSENTIAL, while I do understand, I do not agree. I have seen too many people write people off because of that one fact and cry to God asking for a mate what about if He has sent them already and you said no because they came in a package we did not expect!

• Not putting myself out there

Wow, this is getting interesting. By this I mean I wasn't going anywhere. We have to meet our prospective someone somewhere even if we are not going there with the intention of meeting a husband/wife. When I read wedding websites, I always go to the How we met story, whether it's an introduction by mutual friends or the matchmaker by fire crew, or at a party, in the choir, single's fellowship, book club, sat next to me on the plane and was so interesting to talk to, there is always that first meeting that blossoms into something else but what if I don't go there. I usually keep myself to myself and it's a good thing for I'm an introvert by nature but I'm learning to network. In this season of my life, I want to go out, talk to people, learn from people. This is not about adding random strangers as friends on facebook and going clubbing by fire every Friday night. It is not so much about going everywhere to looking for a significant other but opening ourselves to new opportunities. I've made up my mind to be more interesting, please do the same. In a book I read the author advised that single people should go on a date with the next person that asked (not random strangers o for safety's sake) even though on the surface they didn't tick all the boxes, it's about making friends. But we need to position ourselves.

• God's plan

I don't see being single as a disease for in a way we are all single whether we tick the married box or not. If someone slaps my face, I feel the pain and not my boo. However, I strongly believe that there was a season in my life where I was not supposed to be in a relationship. After the fiasco with my friend, I put my heart on ice for a while, no one could touch it hence no one could hurt it. In this season, I promised God I would focus on him and not a man. I believe God taught me how to stand on my own that I was complete without a man, we are to complement and not complete. I'm not saying I totally got the message but I believe some seasons of singleness are ordained. Just like Esther, we are in preparation for the next phase of our lives. Sometimes, I think that God looked at mankind and asked how can I stretch these people, for them to be mature and selfless and then he invented marriage! Lol! So if that's the season you're in enjoy but keep learning. The learning don't all have to be spiritual, cooking is an essential. This has nothing to do with the 21st century or education, I tell ladies, I cook for myself because I like to eat good food, when I get married, my 'flatmate' will enjoy the benefits. See it as something you do for yourself, what about the kids what will they eat? I'm not that great in the kitchen but I try my best. Balancing accounts, multitasking the things we women do well.

• Not knowing then what I know now

I'm beginning to realise that a lot of things people take for granted are not necessarily important. Some might not agree with me but these days I feel what is required are 1 committed man, 1 committed woman, source of income, roof over your heads. Sometimes we delay because we want a big wedding. Weddings are no easy feat, traditional and church. Men, it's not easy. We don't have to live in our dream home yet, we don't have to be living the dream yet, we just have to be ready to put each other first. I've seen so many couples start with nothing, well apart from love and grow leaps and bounds, growth they attribute to the support of their partner. This is my view, sometimes I feel like I just want us to get married. I've never been a big fan of big weddings or weddings even. Oh well, that's me, I'm sure family and friends have their own ideas, even Mr O but I sometimes wonder if some of this debt we get ourselves in is really worth it for those few hours! Also, he doesn't have to work in Goldman Sachs, if that's his dream, part of my job is making sure he achieves his potential.

Well, well, there might be more but for now, I'll leave it here, feel free to add your thoughts as comments, I want to go blog hopping for now.

Till later,

XoXo