Failing forward

Don't interfere with good people's lives;don't try to get the best of them.

No matter how many times you trip them up,God-loyal people don't stay down long; soon they're up on their feet,while the wicked end up flat on their faces.

Proverbs 24:15-16

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

Unknown

Beautiful people in Blogville, I am overwhelmed by the love and care you have shown. I keep coming back to read the comments and they make me smile. I don't know what to say except Thank you. Thank you for the encouragement and thanks for the prayers. To think that I almost deleted this blog, well the story continues.

Hmm, failing forward. Over the past few months, I have experienced a wave of emotions. Breaking up is very similar to mourning, there is denial, there is anger, there is guilt, there is depression and sadness, mixed with a lot of tears before coming to a place of acceptance. I really don't know what I would do without having Jesus in my life. My God who is my refuge in the storm, it is true what the word says about Him giving us a peace that passes all understanding. Some days I feel as if I'm watching a movie and what has happened was to someone else and not me.

I would say the most overwhelming feeling I had was one of failure. Yes, I've read books about failing, how everyone fails at something, how failing does not make one a failure and how Thomas Edison didn't give up on the light bulb after x amount of attempts! I guess there's a difference between knowing a fact academically and living it out as truth. But I did feel like a failure, a very big one at that! Here I was writing a blog about preparing myself spiritually, emotionally and mentally for marriage and then we break up!.....I just wanted to stay in bed and never get out and show my face again. Failure has always been one of my greatest fears. I hate to fail, I'm not one of those super competitive types that is determined to win at all costs but I'll admit I'm one of those annoying ones in class who cries when she gets a B grade!

At a point, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I've always been a private person and I was just going through the process alone instead of reaching out to friends to pray with me and encourage me. I've learnt so much during this period, God opened my eyes to people He had brought along my path and just their presence alone sometimes just gave me that added strength to make it through the day.

I thank God for God. I may have failed at this, I admit I did make some mistakes but I am so encouraged by that Bible verse. It was like God was saying to me 'Why do you focus on when you fell and how many times you fell and how you fell and not on the fact that you are able to stand up, dust your shoulders and keep stepping? You might be injured when you fall, but remember that I am a Balm in Gilead! Focus on standing up after you fall, fail forward.'  I realised then that I'm only a failure if I allow the event to stop me from living my very best life and also if I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

 

So I chose to fail forward, to take time to God-analyse (not self-analyse anymore) the events and circumstances leading up to the break up and asking God for wisdom and guidance as to what to do next. I chose to fail forward and spend time in communion with God, to talk to Him about things and allow Him do His will in my life. I chose to fail forward to realise that my whole life did not consist of being in this relationship and while it did bring pain, it also brought joy. Also, there were so many other things that God had in store for me so I had to get out of bed, ask God for His joy to be my strength and get to stepping! I chose to fail forward and ask God for the grace to help me deal with the anger, to help me deal with the guilt, not to allow bitterness set in so my heart would be free to love the way He wants me to love.

 

The choice to fail forward is one I'm making daily now. I'm asking God for directions every step of the way as I fulfill His divine purpose for my life. His Word says that He is able to work all things together for the good of them that love Him and are called according to His purpose, that His plans for me are good to give me a future and a hope. I've always said I believed His word and now is the time to live like I do. My encouragement is that where ever you feel you have experienced failure or disappointment, just give it to Jesus. The enemy only wins when you stop, not when you fall. Stand up, dust your shoulders and get to stepping. He can give you grace to do what you thought was impossible. Fail forward!

 

XoXo

 

Esther Hadassah

Changes..

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

Anais Nin 

First things first, I must begin by apologising to the readers of this blog for disappearing for so long. The past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster and although I did come here from time to time. I was just unable to write anything.

When I came across the quote above, it just aptly summarised what happened to me and to us. I promised myself I would always be honest on this blog and I must admit that at a point I just wanted to delete it and start a new story, forgetting what lies behind and pressing on. However, I realise that life is a story that is made of different chapters and that even when the plot takes an unexpected twist, it doesn't mean the end of the story. My best friend always tells me that the story is never over until The Story teller writes 'The End' and I'm inclined to agree and therefore the story continues.

At this point, I and Mr O have decided not to continue with our relationship. I have prayed and I have cried but I have decided to let things be and stop fighting because even though it doesn't make a lot of sense, I believe that it is the way it should go. I think I will try and talk about what happened as I go along. I once heard a message on preventing marital failure and the first point the pastor gave on the biggest mistakes a couple can make is 'thinking it could never happen to us'. That's dangerous. He also said it's about expecting the best for your relationship while preparing for the worst. Another very important point is that although there is no way you can meet someone who thinks exactly like you because we are all unique, it is very important both partners use similar scripts or read from the same page because it helps in decision making and in conflict resolution.

I don't think there is any relationship that cannot be saved but it requires both parties being willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make it happen. Both of us have lessons to learn but I believe there are some things that are best left to God to handle in one's life, we must accept people as they are with their strengths and weaknesses but we must also be honest. I know I overlooked some things I should have probed further and earlier as much in him as in myself. I've been asking myself some deep questions over the past few weeks, I don't claim to always have answers or always be right but I've just decided to trust God and allow Him to lead and guide me.

So I'm not really sure what direction this blog is going to take now. As a dear big sister told me, 'No matter what happens, whether you get back together or not, you have grown, you have learnt, you have loved, you are a better person for it, so don't feel like the time spent was a waste because it isn't.' I don't always agree with her but well as the Spirit leads I guess. I'm fiddling with the template for now but I'm back.

I wrote this a while ago, just expressing my thoughts going through the process. Hopefully, my next post will be a bit upbeat.

Not a day goes by

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Sometimes it's a flash of recognition

A symbol, a scent, a song

Other times a full length movie with

Changing places, changing faces

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Sometimes I smile

Held in your embrace, walking hand in hand

Other times, most times

With tears

Arguments back and forth, cold silences

Not a day goes by

that I do not think of you

Although I lie when friends ask

Laughing as I say time heals all wounds

And that I'm moving on

When what I do everyday

is think of you

Not a day goes by

That I do not think of you

Going back in time

To plans, hopes and dreams shared

Looking ahead to a path I must take

That does not have you in it

Where we has become you and me

Not a day goes by

when I do not think of you

But now I must learn to occupy my thoughts

With truth, purity and good reports

As I focus my thoughts back on Him

Who enables me put all other thoughts in perspective

(c) Ester Hadassah

Till later,

Xoxo

Whatever it takes

Hi people,

So sorry I have really been neglecting this blog but so much has been happening and I need to take some time to sort myself out! Trust you're doing good. This song ministers to me on those days when I feel like throwing in the towel! Sometimes it takes a lot, sometimes a little but we need to make the decision to do whatever it takes to forge ahead. Enjoy



Whatever it takes..Leona Lewis

People say love
Comes and goes, but
They don't understand
What they don't know
Cause, what I feel starts
Deep inside
It's planted like a seed
That springs into life

They say it's not right
And we move too fast
But they don't know the meaning
Of what we have

Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
So don't pay no mind
To what other people say
Whenever it is in my life
Know that I will be on time
'Cause you know why
There's no standing in our way

When you're far and
We're apart
I'm really missing you
I wanna be where you are

They say it's not right (it's not right)
And it won't last (it won't last)
No point believing
What we have

Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
So don't pay no mind
To what other people say
Whenever it is in my life
I'll be on time
'Cause you know why
There's no standing in my way

And if you're lost
I'm gonna find you
'Cause without you
I'll break down and cry
And you know why
I wanna surround you
With all my love

Wherever it is, I'll fly
Whatever it takes, I'll try
So don't pay no mind
To what other people say
Whenever it is in my life
Know that I will be on time
'Cause you know why
There's no standing in my way

Love is you..

What's your definition of it? How's it make you feel?
Tell me what'd you say that truly makes it real
Kings and queens, philosophers have tried so hard to find
Tell me what it means to you, dear, never mind

Love is kind when the world is cold
Love stays strong when the fight gets old
Love is a shoulder to lean on, love is you

Love's like the water when the well runs dry
Quench my thirst, keep me alive
Just need one sip, baby, love is you
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you

Is it possible there's a kiss that's so divine?
Or am I just too fool? Is it all in my mind?
Is there something chemical? A scientist might say
Well, love must be drug to make me feel this way

'Cause love is my permission to be who I am
Knowing the business 'cause you understand
Freedom to breathe, oh baby, love is you

Love's like a kiss when the sun goes down
Holds me tight when no one's around
Love's what I wanna hold on to, love is you
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you

Love is kind, it makes me stronger
I don't have to look no longer
You're the one I'd cling to, love is you

When the chips are down
Love will stick around
I'm so glad I found, love is you

Masters have tried to clarify
Love's quite simple, it's just my guide
A perfect definition
Love is you, love is you, love is you, love is you, is you

Love is you by Chrisette Michele

Love is a verb..

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love 1st Corinthians 13

Love, in all its forms is a beautiful thing. The love God has for us demonstrated in the sacrificial giving of His Son, the love of a husband for his wife as he pretends his eyes are just misty as she walks down the aisle on her dad's arm, the love of a mother for her newborn as she coos and sings and rocks him gently to sleep. The love of a friend who sits in the waiting room praying that when the doctor walks in it will be good news. Love, in all its forms is a beautiful thing but like all beautiful things, maintenance requires hard work.

Like a beautiful flower that is appreciated by all, it is easy to forget that it all begun with the death of a seed, being buried unnoticed in the dirt, the sun shining, the rain falling before the manifestation of what is beautiful. Sometimes relationships are like that, going through the daily grind of keeping it working can be tasking but we must keep at it. I read 1st Corinthians 13 and I'm like am I really like that, honestly, no but I'm committing to working at it.

Green grass requires work to keep it shining, no use looking at the other side wishing that was what you had. I'm learning about embracing seasons, sometimes love doesn't come as natural to me, sometimes I don't 'feel' the love, at those times I think it's even more important to remember that love is a verb, something one does much more than something one feels. So if you are at a point where you don't feel anything, just do something, say something, cook something, write something, pray something, take the little steps to get to where you want to be.

One step at a time, one day at a time and very soon you'll be the green grass that everyone wants. That's my goal now and with God's help I'm working towards it.

Dear God,

Thank you for Mr O, no man has the ability to make me smile as much (or frown as much), no man has made me laugh as much (well, or cry as much) but I thank you because overall he is the man you made me for, the man you keep working in me for, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Help him be the man you created him to be. Teach us how to love each other and keep our relationship strong in Jesus name.

I pray the same for others who walk this path!

Till later,
XoXo

Irrelevant strangers

I am sitting across you unable to keep eye contact. I feel your eyes on me, looking at me, willing them to stare back into yours so you can see what your words are doing. My ears are listening to what your mouth is saying but it is becoming confusing as for each sentence and phrase my mind creates another and I am obliged to listen to you both.

This isn't working, you say, you need some space to find yourself but my head is also asking if it isn't working because of her, if you are finding yourself with her. Somewhere along the conversation I realise I have lost you, it must have been somewhere between the 'Its not you, its me' and 'I hope this does not affect our friendship and our business'. I want to laugh at this point but fear how it would look. I feel you waiting for me to burst into tears and honestly I'm waiting for it too. It's funny as I watch us both destroy so quickly what we've built in the last decade. I see beyond your shoulder to Daddy's 'I told you so' and Mummy's shocked look as she realises I might not need the dress after all.

When did we become irrelevant strangers, you and I? When did we stop caring? When did we stop listening and touching and noticing? When did we stop speaking? When did summer's heat become winter's freeze? When..

But you cut through the conversation between myself and I and I hear you tell me how it will all be ok because I am so strong, one of the things you loved most about me you say as you get the bill and I realise we are using past tense already. The evening is over and so are we. I open my mouth to speak but can't will my lips to separate. Pride prevents the tears from falling, at least on the outside! At the tube station, I convert the embrace to a perfunctory handshake as you head west and I east, signalling our future, travelling in opposite directions.

I laugh then because I feel I can but then it comes; that pain that goes from my chest to my belly in the fraction of a second. It is then the tears start to fall. The tears speak, telling me I am human and externalising my pain, what they fail to tell me is that they will never stop, at least not for months to come.

Xoxo

What do we believe?

Hi people

How you doing? Hope you're living, loving and learning! I'm just imagining the amount of information out there on blogville, esp about relationships, it's all good. My biggest prayer is that I live out what I believe, in Jesus name. Amen. A new day, a new question. I decided to send my answer to my last question on things Mr O does that annoy/like and he was pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure I want him to read my blog though he may well find it now but I think I'll do a better job of communicating TO him what I communicate ABOUT him and us.

Where do you stand on faith?

I like the fact that he used faith, faith implies you believe something. It's not just about ticking an option under the heading religion. It asks the question 'What do you believe?' I believe many things but I think the most important thing I believe is in God, the Almighty God, that He created me and He has a purpose for my life. I believe in Jesus Christ, God who became man and dwelt amongst us, died for me, rose again and went to be with the Father whilst always keeping an eye out for me. I believe in the Holy Spirit, that He is a Counsellor, a Helper, I believe I should grow in His fruit and also His gifts. I believe in prayer, in speaking the word, in fasting, in worship, in praise.

My faith is in God because all else may fail but never Him. When it comes to faith, I believe both partners should be on the same page, not so much in intensity/fervour for we chase and run at different paces but the passion should be there. I believe in tolerance but I know I couldn't marry someone of a different faith. I just think it's one of those areas you should be on the same page on. Feel free to disagree with me, I believe there are enough things to discuss about without debating on whether God exists or if good works equates with salvation. A lot of decisions I make are based on my faith, my value systems are based on mostly on a Biblical perspective. I'm not perfect but by God's grace I try my best.

I'd always thought I would marry a 'very spiritual' man, funny thing is that I never actually defined what spiritual meant! Lol! I think I always got the impression from what I heard that as the role of the husband is to be the priest of his home, he had to be like super duper deep and super duper deeper in the things of God than I was. I think I've stepped away from that thinking because I try to look at people in general as all in equal need of the grace of God and spirituality is more of an inner behaviour than outward. I'd rather a man that only prayed the Lord's prayer morning and night than someone who was revered in the church and beat me at home! Also, from what I see, women tend to have this passion for Christ that I don't come across as often in men but then maybe I am somewhat biased!

I and Mr O don't pray as often as I would like, we don't attend the same church but we do go to church together once in a while and I know he loves God. We don't agree on some things but we are growing and learning. I believe faith and church are different things, I find it amusing when people automatically assume I will start attending his church when we get married. I'm not saying I won't but I know I will prefer not to, I enjoyed Pastor's counselling sessions but I've attended the church and just didn't relax in the atmosphere, to a certain degree we carry our own atmosphere with us but I just would rather we worshipped somewhere else. We are still praying about it and have not made a final decision but for now we are looking at attending a different church from where either of us worship at present. I think it's important to go to church together, it's good for the couple, we both hear what Pastor said, it's also a great environment for children to grow up in.

However my prayer is that we both as individuals continue to thirst and pant after God, so that we can encourage each other as a couple. I pray for him to be a man after God's heart and that he will teach the next generation about the things of God.
I believe faith is the centre of all things especially for me because I don't think I can succeed in this relationship without Him.

So get talking because the words that proceed from the mouth signify what the heart believes. We can talk 'churchese' for a while but after a period of time the real deal begins to come forth. I guess as long as we are on the same main page we can keep talking, praying and compromising on the letters where we have different views as long as we remember that God and the Bible have the last word!

Till later...

XoXo