Hello people
Thank you so much for your encouraging comments, prayers and advice. I signed into the blog to post something once or twice but I really didn't know what to say anymore. This blog was really focused on a particular topic and now I really don't know what to say here anymore. I did consider just deleting it and erasing any iota of its existence but I thought that would be so rude. Although I haven't discussed with anyone off this blog, just the thought that you actually take time to read my ramblings makes me consider you a friend.
So its hello because I have been away for a while. It may be goodbye or goodbye for now as I consider what the next step is. Even if I continue blogging, it will be somewhere else so we may just be parting to meet. So many things happened over the last few months but suffice to say that IT IS OVER.
How am I? Today, good, really good. There are different phases that I have been through, the sad days, the angry days (angry at him, me, even God sometimes....ask me what God did?), up days, down days. After a while I realised that I was laughing more than I was quiet. I caught myself laughing at a joke someone made and I stopped in the middle as if 'what's so funny, why are you laughing?' and I answered myself (no, I'm not going crazy yet) I'm laughing because I can, because I'm still here and because that joke is so funny! Life is about moments, some more precious than others, always unique, rarely repeated. There will only be one today 7/10/2010 and as my friend says 'a day without laughter is a day wasted'.
I regret some things but this relationship although not successful made me learn some things about Esther...that commitment is a big word, its not for children. There were some things that I could not accept. What if I found out after we were married is a question I get asked sometimes? Honestly, I don't know, I'm sorry I don't. I used to think nothing would ever make me leave but its really difficult to hold on to someone who is not holding on to you. I told him when we finally did speak (after about 4 and a half months) that he made it very easy to walk away. I don't hate him, there's a way I will always be concerned about him but that is where the story ends.
I still find it strange when people come to me for relationship advice...even with all my warnings that I have been unsuccessful...lol! I tell them about my mistakes, about our good times. Never underestimate the power of communication. Its not about having conversations or spending hours on the phone. People who work in call centres spend hours on the phone, they're selling not bonding. Its about being able to be vulnerable and share those things you don't want anyone else to know about you. To be able to tell someone they hurt you or you love them and your thoughts about everything. It doesn't happen on day 1 but it is a commitment you must be willing to make. There is also a difference between a nice person and a responsible one. No one is perfect, give room for mistakes. My friend told me 'you don't know how much you love until love is required via forgiveness.' Hmm..
Maybe I'll continue this journey, maybe not. I must admit that there is a way life as a single person is interesting. Thanks for being part of the journey so far and I pray that your respective journeys are beautiful and you walk the path designed for you always. There are changing scenes and seasons but God always remains true.
Hugs and Kisses
Esther Hadassah
