Theory vs. practical

Hi

Thanks for reading today, I hope and pray you are blessed. I'm becoming more aware each day of how much work relationships and marriage need. Yes, it's fun and it's wonderful to have someone to love and who loves you in return but on some days......hmm.

Writing about relationship do's and don'ts, even giving advice is so easy but when it comes to the crunch of living it out, it AINT easy at all. I'm honest enough to admit that I do lose the plot every so often but I thank God for His grace and also for a man who while not being perfect embodies the word COMMITMENT. The counselling classes are bringing up issues to the surface and I guess I've allowed it to faze me a bit but I'm now really learning what it means to walk the talk. Theory vs. practical, I'm learning so I must be doing. According to Maya Angelou (PhD) when you know better, you should do better.

So there we were seated in Pastor D's office talking about barriers to effective communication. Before we got in, I was a bit miffed because he didn't actually do the assignment, we were supposed to work on it together and I felt that he didn't put any effort in because he knew I was going to do it. Mr O then asked an interesting question about our pastor's thoughts on separate bedrooms for husband and wife...I was like hmmm, and then he rushed to clarify that it wasn't about sleeping arrangements but just for; hope I'm repeating this verbatim.."her luggage" and then he mentioned something to do with liking having his things being kept in order.

I don't know if it was not just a great day or the way he said it, or the way I heard it but I was really UPSET! Ha ha ha, the devil is a mean 'ole son of a gun! What I heard was, "Pastor, is it ok for her to have a separate bedroom for her things because she is messy"! Please don't get me wrong, it wasn't what he said that got me a lil' riled but the fact that he had NEVER brought this up with me before. It made me wonder whether there were some other things that I did that he didn't like and why he felt he couldn't bring them up. Pastor D said it wasn't an issue but partners should learn how to be accommodating of their spouses. Personally, I think Mr O has a bit of an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to living arrangements, I'm sure I've mentioned that before while for me cleanliness and not necessarily having all boxes on a straight line is more important.

I plead guilty I disobeyed most of the rules in the previous post, I made assumptions about what he was saying, I went into my silent monosyllable mode, I thought, thought, thought, instead of talk, talk, talk. I let the sun go down and I was angry. I refused to admit to myself that I was angry. However, I came back and read everything I'd written down and began to practicalise them. We discussed it, my issue was not about separate rooms but an inability to raise 'tough' issues, we haven't still totally dealt with that but it's ok. He was also upset about a recent decision I had made and I tried to explain the WHY behind it, I don't think we came to an agreement about it but it's still ok.

I learnt that anyone can fight but it takes maturity to fight FAIR. Also, always be sure that not only do you listen to what your partner is saying make sure you UNDERSTAND what they're saying, ask questions. The closer you are to marriage, the less there should be 'no-go' areas and remember to PRAY. Talk to God, I've realised the more I talk to HIM about him, the more HE talks to me about ME! When people don't understand, God does and He will make a way. Also after a recent conversation with a friend, be careful when 'interfering' in the relationships of others, remember 'Chinese whispers', by the time one partner comes to you some of the information could have changed. Communication is speaking, listening and UNDERSTANDING and remember it's one thing to know the right thing to do and actually going out and doing it.

I've been challenged by Favoured Girl's post on respect and I'm still musing on that. I'm praying and asking God to help us work on the cracks that are present in our communication, it's not so much about talking more but creating an environment where such communication can take place. I'm currently reading 'Before you do' by T.D Jakes and my next post will be on some questions you should pose to your intended before you even get engaged.

Till later, keep learning, loving and living

Xoxo

We are different..

We are different
We are different
We are different
We are different..

Don't worry, Ms Hadassah hasn't lost her marbles...yet!! I just thought that if I could recite those three words long enough they will actually stick in my head and in my heart. Thank God that love is a journey, you can make mistakes, apologise, reflect on behaviour and change.

We had another session today, we were supposed to do a personality type test but unfortunately Pastor D could not find the forms! He asked us to state things that we liked and also what we didn't like about our partners. I said my usual things about why I love him or the reasons I want to marry him. I think it's good practice to rehearse or think about those reasons ever so often because it's so easy (or maybe it's just me) to focus on the one (or few) things people don't do well as opposed to the 101 things they do to make us happy!

I love him because he is kind, he listens, he is trustworthy, he is a great friend and more, he irons!!lol!, he's funny, he is respectful, he is posh, he encourages me and believes in me, he trusts me (sometimes too much I think), he knows me and he loves me. When I look around at some of my friends and acquaintances, I know I am blessed. Funny I just realised that he's everything that I'm not and also everything that I am as well, I wish I could explain it. Pastor D said that although opposites attract (differences) it's our similarities that keep us together, we should never allow our differences to pull us apart, rather we should work with our strengths using that to compensate for our weaknesses.

When Mr O faces some sort of issue, he prefers to draw 'into his zone', this could range anything from a few days to about 2 weeks, I've always found it difficult not because I believe people don't need space but I have a personality type that always needs to be in touch to be reassured (of what??). During these 'cave moments' there is usually no form of communication and sometimes I find it really annoying! It's funny how writing the thoughts in my head takes out their power and gives me a new perspective of things. I'm learning how to accommodate that zoning out, it has nothing to do with me, I don't like it but I can live with it.

Pastor D left us with 4 thoughts;

• You can't change anyone no matter how hard you try. You can let your thoughts about things be known to the other party but the onus is on them to realise and to change. You can pray for the other person but it's up to them to change
• Acceptance is very important in a relationship, people come 'as is', you can't take the good parts and leave the not so savoury ones. People rise to your expectations much quicker in an environment that says I love you and accept for who you are. Even if the grass is greener on the other side, they are working to keep it that way
• Emphasise strengths and not weaknesses, work together
• No matter what personality type or temperament you have, as a believer your aim is to be more like Christ, so even though naturally you might not be predisposed to do things in a certain way, ask for God's help to make you be the best for your partner even though you might need to be stretched!

Well as I always say, we keep learning. I was having my quiet time this morning wishing I could stuff my ears with cotton wool to prevent hearing what God was telling me. Basically, I need to grow up!

I have an assignment for the next session, we have to write an essay on our roles in marriage, the role of a wife...I'm sure I have something about that in this blog so I guess I'll just edit that. Today Mr O said I am like a First Lady, elegant, beautiful, intelligent..I thought my head would burst! So if you're reading these pages, I hope it's been a blessing. In relationships, there is a time to bow out but I think that sometimes we give up too soon. Don't give up! Work at it, it calls you to walk on a higher path, a narrower road but it is well worth it.

Hugs and kisses

XoXo

We are different

We are different

We are different...(lol)

Questions, questions, questions!

Wow, today was really interesting. So we got there and we introduced ourselves to Pastor D, he asked us how long we had been in the relationship for and what our plans were. He also told us that we would be having about eight to ten sessions with him and would be covering a lot of areas like the role of husband and wife, finance, communication, sex e.t.c and to prepare ourselves for FULL DISCLOSURE so we shouldn't be surprised when some certain things came up. He asked if we had informed our parents about the relationship and we responded in the affirmative. He then gave us a form to fill. It was like four pages long! I was like..wow! Apart from the regular background information, these are a few questions I can remember,

• Blood group and genotype
• Which parent were you closer to?
• How many siblings do you have?
• Are there any medical conditions that could affect your partner?
• Have you ever had an abortion?
• List 15 (yes 15) reasons why you want to marry this person?
• Are you born again?
• What was your experience of salvation?
• What do you understand by marriage?
• Did your parents have a good, average or poor marriage?
• What are your marital goals and how do you hope to achieve them?
• Where did you meet your partner?
• What are your thoughts on joint accounts for finance?
• What are your parents religious background?

If I remember the others, I will update the post. It took us almost an hour, see me thinking as if I was preparing for A' Levels! After skimming through our forms, he made one or two comments about some things we had written like Mr O's parents are separated and he just asked a few questions about that. Just before he left, he asked Mr O, so why Esther? He then posed the same question to me? I just realised now that neither of us used the word love! Interesting! We spent so much time writing answers although I would have really loved to read what his 15 reasons for wanting to marry me were!

Anyway, we've booked about 8 more appointments from July all the way to November, well there's no rush, we're not planning on getting married this year anyway, this year is about preparation and setting a solid foundation. My church is very big and I'm surprised my pastor still takes time to meet all couples intending to get married on a one to one basis. God bless him. So that's it, more updates as they come. It was really interesting!