Theory vs. practical

Hi

Thanks for reading today, I hope and pray you are blessed. I'm becoming more aware each day of how much work relationships and marriage need. Yes, it's fun and it's wonderful to have someone to love and who loves you in return but on some days......hmm.

Writing about relationship do's and don'ts, even giving advice is so easy but when it comes to the crunch of living it out, it AINT easy at all. I'm honest enough to admit that I do lose the plot every so often but I thank God for His grace and also for a man who while not being perfect embodies the word COMMITMENT. The counselling classes are bringing up issues to the surface and I guess I've allowed it to faze me a bit but I'm now really learning what it means to walk the talk. Theory vs. practical, I'm learning so I must be doing. According to Maya Angelou (PhD) when you know better, you should do better.

So there we were seated in Pastor D's office talking about barriers to effective communication. Before we got in, I was a bit miffed because he didn't actually do the assignment, we were supposed to work on it together and I felt that he didn't put any effort in because he knew I was going to do it. Mr O then asked an interesting question about our pastor's thoughts on separate bedrooms for husband and wife...I was like hmmm, and then he rushed to clarify that it wasn't about sleeping arrangements but just for; hope I'm repeating this verbatim.."her luggage" and then he mentioned something to do with liking having his things being kept in order.

I don't know if it was not just a great day or the way he said it, or the way I heard it but I was really UPSET! Ha ha ha, the devil is a mean 'ole son of a gun! What I heard was, "Pastor, is it ok for her to have a separate bedroom for her things because she is messy"! Please don't get me wrong, it wasn't what he said that got me a lil' riled but the fact that he had NEVER brought this up with me before. It made me wonder whether there were some other things that I did that he didn't like and why he felt he couldn't bring them up. Pastor D said it wasn't an issue but partners should learn how to be accommodating of their spouses. Personally, I think Mr O has a bit of an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to living arrangements, I'm sure I've mentioned that before while for me cleanliness and not necessarily having all boxes on a straight line is more important.

I plead guilty I disobeyed most of the rules in the previous post, I made assumptions about what he was saying, I went into my silent monosyllable mode, I thought, thought, thought, instead of talk, talk, talk. I let the sun go down and I was angry. I refused to admit to myself that I was angry. However, I came back and read everything I'd written down and began to practicalise them. We discussed it, my issue was not about separate rooms but an inability to raise 'tough' issues, we haven't still totally dealt with that but it's ok. He was also upset about a recent decision I had made and I tried to explain the WHY behind it, I don't think we came to an agreement about it but it's still ok.

I learnt that anyone can fight but it takes maturity to fight FAIR. Also, always be sure that not only do you listen to what your partner is saying make sure you UNDERSTAND what they're saying, ask questions. The closer you are to marriage, the less there should be 'no-go' areas and remember to PRAY. Talk to God, I've realised the more I talk to HIM about him, the more HE talks to me about ME! When people don't understand, God does and He will make a way. Also after a recent conversation with a friend, be careful when 'interfering' in the relationships of others, remember 'Chinese whispers', by the time one partner comes to you some of the information could have changed. Communication is speaking, listening and UNDERSTANDING and remember it's one thing to know the right thing to do and actually going out and doing it.

I've been challenged by Favoured Girl's post on respect and I'm still musing on that. I'm praying and asking God to help us work on the cracks that are present in our communication, it's not so much about talking more but creating an environment where such communication can take place. I'm currently reading 'Before you do' by T.D Jakes and my next post will be on some questions you should pose to your intended before you even get engaged.

Till later, keep learning, loving and living

Xoxo

Roles of the husband and wife

Hi,

I've just returned from a counselling session, honestly these sessions have been so good for us. Every time I want to start acting funny, just remembering that I have to see Pastor D just puts me in check! Lol! One thing I've learnt especially this week is that when people say marriage is not for babies, it's just the gospel truth. It's easy to write about relationships, the do's and dont's but it's very difficult to live it out practically.

Pastor D gave us an assignment to write our thoughts on what our roles as husband and wife in marriage are. Trust Ms. Hadassah the writer, I went with my 1.25 pages and my darling went there with 7 sentences! We are different, we are different, we are different!

My main points were that the role of a wife was to;

• Be a submissive follower (see post on submission!)
• Help her husband by partnering with him to move towards the vision God has created them for
• Satisfy her husband's needs, spiritually, emotionally and physically
• Build her home by creating an atmosphere of peace and joy for her family and being a good steward of the resources entrusted in her care

My sweetheart has graciously given me permission to put his points on my blog (even though he doesn't know where it exists on the www) and these are;

• To love and care for my wife unconditionally.
• To provide a comfortable accommodation/shelter for my wife.
• To protect her and ensure her continuous happiness.
• To be a friend, partner and a good listener.
• To satisfy her every need (emotionally, materially and sexually).
• To always remain faithful and honest to my wife.

He then asked both of us to identify what areas would be challenging to us in effectively carrying out these roles; for me I know that submission will be an area of ongoing transformation because if truth be told, it takes a great degree of trust and dying to self to be submitted to anyone even to God. With regard to our roles in marriage, Pastor D told us to remember that husbands and wives while married to each other should see their function as all unto God.

Husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church, wives should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord..so regardless of who your spouse is or what they do, your responsibility is to stay in your role as unto the Lord. Sometimes, I feel like marriage is one of God's ways of teaching us how to really be like him! Anyway, in this way, we should both be committed to giving 100% irrespective of what the other person brings to the table. Now, that's a tall order but I guess that's why the Word says with God all things are possible.

Pastor explained to us that most people come into marriage with their own pre-conceived notions of what their roles in marriage should be. These could come from family or cultural background or previous experiences. Conflicts arise where there is no balance in the expectations both partners have. So we should go back to what the word of God says and use that as the pattern and model.

For husbands, their role can be summed up in the 4 P's, Provider, Protector, Priest and Prophet.

Provider: Financially, physically,

Protector: Being the authority in home, emotionally and physically, protect your wife from your family members by covering her weaknesses and emphasising her strengths (and vice versa for wives)

Priest: Spiritual head, should set guidance and leadership for praise, worship and prayer. No staying at home while wife and kids go to church

Prophet: Setting the vision for the home, a clear sense of direction and it is important to have a general idea of where a man is going before you agree to marry him just in case you're not interested in his destination.

So what about me..

The role of the wife is to support her husband, to be in sync with the vision of the family, this does not limit your ability as a woman to achieve your goals, remembering the Proverbs 31 woman.

Our next assignment is on the barriers to effective communication and how to overcome them, this we have to work on together...well we'll see!

Till later

Xoxo

We are different..

We are different
We are different
We are different
We are different..

Don't worry, Ms Hadassah hasn't lost her marbles...yet!! I just thought that if I could recite those three words long enough they will actually stick in my head and in my heart. Thank God that love is a journey, you can make mistakes, apologise, reflect on behaviour and change.

We had another session today, we were supposed to do a personality type test but unfortunately Pastor D could not find the forms! He asked us to state things that we liked and also what we didn't like about our partners. I said my usual things about why I love him or the reasons I want to marry him. I think it's good practice to rehearse or think about those reasons ever so often because it's so easy (or maybe it's just me) to focus on the one (or few) things people don't do well as opposed to the 101 things they do to make us happy!

I love him because he is kind, he listens, he is trustworthy, he is a great friend and more, he irons!!lol!, he's funny, he is respectful, he is posh, he encourages me and believes in me, he trusts me (sometimes too much I think), he knows me and he loves me. When I look around at some of my friends and acquaintances, I know I am blessed. Funny I just realised that he's everything that I'm not and also everything that I am as well, I wish I could explain it. Pastor D said that although opposites attract (differences) it's our similarities that keep us together, we should never allow our differences to pull us apart, rather we should work with our strengths using that to compensate for our weaknesses.

When Mr O faces some sort of issue, he prefers to draw 'into his zone', this could range anything from a few days to about 2 weeks, I've always found it difficult not because I believe people don't need space but I have a personality type that always needs to be in touch to be reassured (of what??). During these 'cave moments' there is usually no form of communication and sometimes I find it really annoying! It's funny how writing the thoughts in my head takes out their power and gives me a new perspective of things. I'm learning how to accommodate that zoning out, it has nothing to do with me, I don't like it but I can live with it.

Pastor D left us with 4 thoughts;

• You can't change anyone no matter how hard you try. You can let your thoughts about things be known to the other party but the onus is on them to realise and to change. You can pray for the other person but it's up to them to change
• Acceptance is very important in a relationship, people come 'as is', you can't take the good parts and leave the not so savoury ones. People rise to your expectations much quicker in an environment that says I love you and accept for who you are. Even if the grass is greener on the other side, they are working to keep it that way
• Emphasise strengths and not weaknesses, work together
• No matter what personality type or temperament you have, as a believer your aim is to be more like Christ, so even though naturally you might not be predisposed to do things in a certain way, ask for God's help to make you be the best for your partner even though you might need to be stretched!

Well as I always say, we keep learning. I was having my quiet time this morning wishing I could stuff my ears with cotton wool to prevent hearing what God was telling me. Basically, I need to grow up!

I have an assignment for the next session, we have to write an essay on our roles in marriage, the role of a wife...I'm sure I have something about that in this blog so I guess I'll just edit that. Today Mr O said I am like a First Lady, elegant, beautiful, intelligent..I thought my head would burst! So if you're reading these pages, I hope it's been a blessing. In relationships, there is a time to bow out but I think that sometimes we give up too soon. Don't give up! Work at it, it calls you to walk on a higher path, a narrower road but it is well worth it.

Hugs and kisses

XoXo

We are different

We are different

We are different...(lol)

Questions, questions, questions!

Wow, today was really interesting. So we got there and we introduced ourselves to Pastor D, he asked us how long we had been in the relationship for and what our plans were. He also told us that we would be having about eight to ten sessions with him and would be covering a lot of areas like the role of husband and wife, finance, communication, sex e.t.c and to prepare ourselves for FULL DISCLOSURE so we shouldn't be surprised when some certain things came up. He asked if we had informed our parents about the relationship and we responded in the affirmative. He then gave us a form to fill. It was like four pages long! I was like..wow! Apart from the regular background information, these are a few questions I can remember,

• Blood group and genotype
• Which parent were you closer to?
• How many siblings do you have?
• Are there any medical conditions that could affect your partner?
• Have you ever had an abortion?
• List 15 (yes 15) reasons why you want to marry this person?
• Are you born again?
• What was your experience of salvation?
• What do you understand by marriage?
• Did your parents have a good, average or poor marriage?
• What are your marital goals and how do you hope to achieve them?
• Where did you meet your partner?
• What are your thoughts on joint accounts for finance?
• What are your parents religious background?

If I remember the others, I will update the post. It took us almost an hour, see me thinking as if I was preparing for A' Levels! After skimming through our forms, he made one or two comments about some things we had written like Mr O's parents are separated and he just asked a few questions about that. Just before he left, he asked Mr O, so why Esther? He then posed the same question to me? I just realised now that neither of us used the word love! Interesting! We spent so much time writing answers although I would have really loved to read what his 15 reasons for wanting to marry me were!

Anyway, we've booked about 8 more appointments from July all the way to November, well there's no rush, we're not planning on getting married this year anyway, this year is about preparation and setting a solid foundation. My church is very big and I'm surprised my pastor still takes time to meet all couples intending to get married on a one to one basis. God bless him. So that's it, more updates as they come. It was really interesting!

Pre-marital counselling!

We have our first on-on-one with my Pastor on the 25th. I feel both excited and nervous! Lol! I'll definitely update on how it went.

The choice

I've been pondering on the issue of choosing a mate. Some people say there is only one person who has been destined to be your partner and team mate in the journey of life and as God knows who this person is, you seek His face and you eventually meet and live happily ever after. Some people are on the other end of the spectrum and feel that the choice of who they marry is totally up to them. What do I think?

Well I don't believe that there is just one person created to be my mate, I believe that God has given me free will but I also strongly believe that because He created me, He knows what's best for me and I should rely on His guidance. I think after the decision to give my life to Christ and serve Him faithfully for the rest of my life, the next decision on the scale of importance is the choice of who I marry. Although it's not easy, I can change careers or relocate to another country but marriage, it's not so easy to change husbands and even if it is, I really don't want to find out. By the grace of God, I pray for the 'd' word to never enter the dictionary of my life in Jesus name. It is not an option. I believe that no one enters marriage believing that they will get divorced so we should try and take the steps to ensure we don't get there.

Pastor says talk to God, don't make a decision solely based on how you feel. Have you prayed? Have you gotten a confirmation from God that this is the One? Also, have you weighed the pros and cons of getting married to this person? Do you know him/her?

Personally, whenever I used to pray about relationship issues in the past, I always wondered how God would speak to me for the truth is where my emotions are involved I find it very difficult to hear from God. Either for or against. Pastor said pray, ask God to confirm his answer through His word and through the mouth of another witness. This resonated with me. I must admit I didn't really pray when I and Mr O decided to start the relationship, I rephrase, I prayed but I wasn't sure I got an answer per say, I just went with the peace of God I had in my heart. But then we had a very big disagreement in the first few months (The Big Fight, I might talk about it in a later post) and we decided not to see each other anymore. Then I prayed and this time I waited for God to speak to me. God spoke to me through his word, through the message of the pastor in my sister's church and through my mother. The reason I know about the confirmation from two witnesses is because they did not know what the implications of the words they spoke meant to me.

Even with this, I must say that there are times I still wonder and have doubts but deep down I know God is working and therefore as I have made my choice, I need to dig my heels into the foundation of commitment and build our relationship from there. I don't know if Mr O is the best man in the world but he is definitely the best man for me! Keep smiling and shining.

Preparation

A definition of prepare is to put in proper condition or readiness. To put in proper condition, that means preparation actually comes before doing something. I prepare to go out, I prepare for my presentation, for my exam e.t.c. These days I have been asking myself serious questions. Questions like Am I preparing for life? To be a wife and mother, to be an employee and a business owner and if I am preparing, how am I preparing? Am I preparing in the right way? As a child of God, I believe that God has created me for a specific purpose and I need to rely on His guidance to see me through in my life.

To be successful in any endeavour in life, one must be prepared. Woe to an army whose enemy finds them unprepared for battle. At this point in my life I feel like I am in preparation for so many things. I'm preparing for the next phase of my career, to start a business and also to be a Mrs (this is heavy!) but by the grace of God, I will choose to depend on His wisdom to see me through because so many problems and issues can be avoided if only one was prepared.

I and the man I love, like and am in love with (Mr O) have recently started premarital counselling. Like I said, no official proposal yet but we know where we are going and I think it's better to start now to start putting a solid foundation in place. I would recommend it for people in serious relationships even before you get engaged because some issues crop up in counselling that make you think hmmm..I'd never considered that before! I will be sharing what I am learning there and the impact that it is making in my life and our relationship. I love what the pastor taking the class said "This is a life class, it's not just about marriage because the principles you will learn here can be applied to other areas of your life".

I want to be prepared, like a tennis player always on the balls of their feet, ever ready to apply lethal force to that ball when it gets to their court, what about you?