Look, there's more of us..

Do you have children or other children outside marriage?
How do you feel about having children?
How do you feel about disciplining children?

Hi people,

Firstly, I would like to say a very BIG THANK you to everyone who takes the time to read and leave a comment, your contributions are greatly valued, please keep them coming. So today, I'm tackling 3 questions in 1 as they all pertain to the subject of children.

First question, answer is NO, I don't have children. Hmm, how do I feel about children? I would definitely love to have kids. One of the purposes of marriage is for procreation, I said one, I don't believe it is the main purpose. I believe a marriage can be complete without children as long as that has been agreed before hand by both partners prior to saying I do. As an African girl, I know the importance placed on having children by our parents but the purpose of increasing your family is not to make our parents happy and satisfy in-laws but because husband and wife are ready spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially. Becoming a parent is almost like preparing for marriage, I think it even requires more preparation because even though you can divorce a spouse (not recommended) you can't divorce your kids, they have your DNA!

I and Mr O have discussed this although not in too much detail, we both would love to have kids, 2, not so particular on sex of the kids but I know he really wants a girl, he already has her name picked out and all! Lol! One day, I asked him what if we had a boy first and he just looked at me as if How can?? God, please answer his prayers o. Personally, I would prefer to have boys but at the end of the day, a child is a miracle sent by God and I accept whoever he sends. I want to be a mother, some days more than others but I know for me definitely I would like to expand our family. Our plan is to have some 'us' time before the kids come, so we can settle in on 'knowing' each other before our lives change forever.

Make no mistake, having a child changes your life forever, I'm not a mother but I've been privileged to see friends and family have children and with their kids and the truth is that it really becomes about them. My friend says to enjoy my life before the kids come because...yes, it's fun and all but every time you see a baby looking and smelling sweet and nice and you coo and hum, say thank you to the sometimes tired mum and dad for doing such a great job. For me, any opportunity to take care of kids, I grab because I know I've picked up quite a number of tips along the way. Parenthood calls for total loss of self and it's all about the babies, I think I'm ready.

When it comes to babies, I always have this bittersweet feeling because a few years ago I was diagnosed with a condition that can sometimes affect fertility but that is the subject for another post and will discuss it later. However, I must note that I think it's important to discuss any health issues you have THAT MAY AFFECT YOUR PARTNER, I'm not saying dredge every single issue from your past but anything that may affect them. You will spend the rest of your life with this person so do share, this was part of our pre-marital counselling questionnaire but we'd discussed it already.

On the issue of discipline, I've been reading some books on parenting and I've come to realise while there are no specific rules on what methods to use, children need to be disciplined. The Bible says we should train a child in the way they should go so when they are old they will not depart from it. That's a big responsibility for indeed how do we instill discipline when we ourselves sometimes need discipline ourselves! However, I believe we should discuss on how discipline and punishment should be carried out. We haven't discusses this yet and I'm intrigued to know what his thoughts are. I believe in corporal punishment as long as it's not too generous that it loses it's effectiveness but this is me talking as a single girl. I haven't pushed, maybe I'll change my mind then! Lol! Anyway we have two wonderful mothers and mentors who can give us advise.

Since we both do not have children, I don't really have a lot of comments on that. I'm not sure I'm cut for the complexities of a blended family, relationship e.t.c. Don't get me wrong, there's no problem with it, it's not just something I envisioned for my life. But not telling your partner that you have kids when you've started talking marriage is a big no no because it's a big issue, those children will be a BIG part of your lives as a family.

I'm really enjoying answering these questions, they make for interesting conversation, not because we end up coming with the same answers but we realise what the other person's thoughts on the issue are and not assume some things. So I'm embracing this season of no diapers and night feeding but looking forward to when she says Mama!

Till later

Xoxo

And then there were others..

What role do you see your parents, siblings and extended family playing in your relationship?

I asked my sister to choose a number from 1-20 and she chose 13 so today I'll talk about the role of the extended family in a relationship. I'm beginning to realise that being in love with someone is more than being in love with someone. I'll explain, I love Mr O, because I love him as a person (one person) I have to accept and love ALL that he is. His strengths, his weaknesses, his mistakes, his friends, his family, his assets and liabilities, his past. I cannot say yes to him and begin to pick and choose what I want and what I don't. Truthfully, I find this sometimes scary because I wonder if I'm really up to the task but well....

I come from a close knit nuclear family, I don't have close relationships with my uncles/aunts on either parents side. Long story for another day. I love my family, I really love my family sometimes too much I think if that's possible. I won't lie and say we've always gotten along, we've had our share of rough days but I know that they are there for me when push comes to shove. However, when it comes to marriage, my prayer is that we all continue to grow in love. In marriage a man must leave and cleave and become one. I say man because the Bible emphasises men, maybe He knew that it wouldn't be easy for them, the Bible also says a woman's desire would be for her husband. When we get married, my father remains my father but I am submitted to my husband's authority, I become Mrs O. I pray that I not only write it but my actions shall show it as well. My mum had a terrible time with my father's family and I have prayed this will never be the case for me as this gave me a very poor image of marriage growing up. I don't like stress but I've trusted God that I'm just increasing my family, a new dad, mum, brother and cousins.

My mum is one of my best friends, Pastor O advised us in our counselling class never to discuss conflicts within our marriage to either set of parents, a mentor or pastor is preferable. This is because you are in love with your partner, they are in love with you their child, when you forgive your partner, things might still remain frosty between him and them so I know I will need to work on balancing that relationship out and not call mummy every time Mr O does this or that though if the truth be told I usually wonder whose mum she is, his or mine, I think she just tries to be fair! I expect my family to respect Mr O as the head of our home, as my husband and life partner, I expect the same from him to my family as the ones who nurtured and reared me to become the woman I am today. I expect to respect his parents and have his family respect me as well. Africans say you marry a family and not an individual, it is true in some respects but please keep them out of the bedroom! Lol! I mean keep the private things private, anything to do with family should be discussed by both of us and then implemented. I see the role of parents, siblings and extended family as they being there to give love, advice and respect.

One of Mr O's closest cousins rubs me off the wrong way, I think it's because we see life so differently but what we have in common is our love for Mr O, we may never be friends but I pray to God for the grace to accept her and love her all the same as I have been commanded to by Him. After the wedding, it's God, Mr O, family, career/ministry (in that order) and I expect it to be the same from his end. Parents advice gratefully needed and acknowledged but please do not be offended if we have a different opinion. No discussing issues with parents without other partner's knowledge, do to partner's family as you would like partner to do to your family. I pray and ask God for the grace for my new family to accept me but I'm not going to live my life either fighting them or killing myself to gain their favour. I'm just going to be the best me that God created.


So far so good, we haven't had any big issues on either side so far but then the families haven't really interacted that much. Mr O is closer to my family than I am to his but I'm just letting things flow naturally, I don't like doing things simply because it's expected of me but because it's right and I enjoy doing it. So I'll keep praying. I want to have a great relationship with my in-laws or in-loves as I prefer to call them, I don't want my children deprived of relationships with their cousins/aunts/uncle because of petty fights and quarrels. Father, help me.

So the role of our parents and family are to continue to give us the unconditional love that has nurtured us into the people we have become today. They are there to celebrate with us, cry with us, bless us, be blessed by us, being there through all the seasons of our lives.

Till later

Xoxo

Learning from the past

What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?

To make things interesting, I've decided not to answer the questions in chronological order but just as it comes. Some are very easy, requiring a simple yes/no. I've been pondering on whether I'm going to put up the answers to all twenty questions, if I do it will be a significant breakthrough but today I'm going to talk about the lessons I have learnt from the past.

Hmm, I'm 'unique' in a way that my last major relationship was my only other relationship whether major or minor! Unique because I'm in my late twenties and even my twenty one year old sister has had more boyfriends than I have! There are quite a number of reasons why things happened that way and maybe I will share these in a future post, I've always wanted to write a post titled 'Why I am still single'! Lol! One of these was that from an early age, I had a strong conviction that relationships were designed to ultimately end in marriage, so there was no point having a boyfriend just for the sake of it but the relationship should have a purpose and as I was not ready to get married, I just didn't put myself out there.

I met AN through a mutual friend, though I didn't know it was a set up at the time. Strangely enough, I had recently turned down the friend who was doing the setting up so I thought it was quite interesting that he was fixing me up with a friend of his. I should have known something was up as he was so insistent on his 'friend' dropping me home after an outing but I can be simple like that, anyway we met and had a very interesting conversation. That was a good thing about the relationship, we were on the same page on quite a number of issues. We talked about God and faith, finance and a host of things, honestly it had been a while that I had been able to connect intellectually on that level with someone for a long time, I had my longest phone conversations with AN, talking all night about everything and nothing. I even shared my list (prayer points for husband to be) with him which was a first. I was attracted to his sense of purpose and vision, his relationship with God and his commitment to his church, he was a deacon in his church and I must say this made me really relax because I'd always prayed that my husband would be more spiritually mature than me. After most conversations, we would pray, that was a first for me!

So what happened, if he was all that and a bag of chips, why and how did it end? I would love to say he did this or he did that e.t.c. but the truth is that it takes two people to tango. Relationships start with two people and end with two people. One of the things I learnt about myself in that relationship was that under my 'nice' and 'beautiful' persona was a very stubborn girl. Now, not all stubbornness is bad but sometimes in life, we need to choose our battles carefully for we may win the battle and lose the war. I know God is working in my life and making me a more mature woman today than I was then. I felt that I wasn't good enough as myself, that he had this image of what a pastor's wife should be and while I did have some of the qualities, he was determined to mold me into that image. Now while I am very conservative, I do not like to be bound to tradition, I don't do things because it's the way it's always been done, I do it because it's the most effective way. I felt we were rushing a lot, also I was uncomfortable with the pace the physical aspects of the relationship was progressing without any corresponding depth emotionally or spiritually. I thought it would be easy as a church leader to get him to understand the reason for some of my boundaries but he felt I was being too difficult and selfish.

We began to argue about everything, we both come from large families, he said he would like to have five children, I said two. Not a big deal yeah, but it was at least to him. I've never seen myself having more than two biological children but I never knew it could raise so many issues. Then the rush, rush, rush, he wanted to get married within a year of our meeting but something in me wanted to still take things slower and get to know him better. I had no peace about the relationship, we saw each other but we weren't really a part of each other's lives, I never met his friends, he never met mine, our outings were usually one on one. I think it's important to see how your nearest and dearest interact with your nearest and dearest if you get what I mean. Love is a beautiful thing but can also make you near-sighted, your friends and family can usually see what you cannot and while they love you, they are not in love and if they are true they will tell you the truth.

After some time of prayer, I had a conversation with him and explained that I felt rushed, I didn't feel our relationship had got to the point where we should be planning a wedding and could we slow down and be friends (at least that's what I meant) but his response was that if we weren't dating there was no point having a relationship as in being friends, he wasn't looking for a 'friend' and that was it. I will confess, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was all over because I was beginning to feel trapped. I did send the occasional text on his birthday and Father's day (i send a text to all my male friends, single or married because they are all either dad's or prospective dads) but don't anymore. I guess if he was writing this post he would be able to give a more balanced picture but it ended because I think we were both different in some areas where we should be similar. There are some conversations you should have before even thinking about how your name sounds with his surname! We even had an argument about grandparents having pet names for the grandchildren, to me no big deal, to him, he names his children and that's that. It's not the end of the world but you should know what the deal is before you say I do.

So while he was kind and could be really tender, he wrote me some touching texts, I now know he wasn't for me, at least not the me I was then. Maybe still not the me I am now. I don't know, in relationships, flexibility is required, it can't always be my way or the high way because one day your partner will hit the road and Jack won't come back no more because Delilah has made life very comfortable for him. I know I grew from this relationship, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I know this because the issues I had with AN didn't even reach 1/100000 of what I and Mr O have seen and had and yet I am still here. Mr O always says for better, for worse. I tell him that's when you take the vows but he says no, it's from now.

I don't believe in kissing many frogs until you find your prince, your lips just end up froggy but taking your time, making the most of opportunities and really assessing because sometimes there is a prince/princess in a frog and it takes you to bring him/her out. Relationships are hard work, not for the immature at all. We've all made mistakes, done things we aren't proud of but learn from them, grow from them and keep moving. Opposites attract but never underestimate the power of being on the same page on fundamental issues. Will tackle some of the yes/no questions in next post.

Till later,

XoXo