Talking about it..

Esther,I just went through this in my marriage,....... We worked through it sweetie and yes it was hard, what are you going to do Esther?, could this same situation happen if you were married, what would you do Esther, bail? I feel your pain, I really do and I promise I do not judge you. I totally agree that he has to step it up and fight for the relationship, examine how you told him you wanted a break, did he not object because he didn't care, he was frustrated himself, out of fear, or he felt betrayed that you would want to leave after everything you guys had. You have to talk, talk, talk. Even if you call it quits, you want to know that you know, that this relationship was not for you. I'm still very hopeful for your relationship for some reason. Keep praying darling, hand it all to God and listen when He speaks, letting go of your fears or pride if any. I'm really hopeful! xoxox

This was a comment I received on my last post. Thanks so much NewLife, I really appreciate the question, advice and prayer. It gave me a lot of food for thought because I had thought along similar lines myself but wouldn't really say I came to a 'conclusion' so to speak. I've been asked, is it possible for us to get back together, academically, I would still say yes we can, if we are both willing to do what is required to make it work. However, there is a little girl inside who just wants to cut her losses (and they are great) and move on. That is me being honest.

Hmm, if we were married, would I bail? I would like to think not, I would like to believe I would honour the vows that I had made and stick with the marriage. I do ask myself what I would have done different if we were married but then the truth still remains that we are not married so it is a bit difficult for me. All in all, even though I do not think going on breaks is a good thing, sometimes people need time to cool off, to assess what's really important, to realise the role that the person plays in their lives. When I suggested the break, a part of me thought that he would fight it, but in a sense we were already on break as we weren't speaking at that time. Phone calls went unanswered and unreturned and I thought that the relationship was just one more pressure in an already stressful situation so maybe taking that off the table would enable him sort out other stuff, he'd used the phrase 'pushing him' so I just felt it was better to leave things alone.

I did try to 'talk, talk,talk' but the timing was never right and honestly to me there's just so much I felt I could do at the time. His response was that he could not speak or contact me for the next 3 months when he would have more time from school. I lost a family member during this time, I sent him a text and I got a text back. Not a phone call and not a visit. I get upset and angry with people but never would I even think of reacting to a situation like that.  I spoke to a family member of his, he got upset with the person. I don't usually recommend family but I didn't really feel like speaking to his friends and I actually realised how few we had in common! I could wait for the 3 months but I knew that a part of me would always resent the fact that yet again we were working with his own life time table.

I was angry with him at a time but honestly now I'm not. Sometimes, people are not just in a place where they can commit to being in a relationship and I can accept that. There is a bit of fear as well, because honestly I tried to look into the future and wonder if we could face challenges as a couple and I just couldn't see it. Maybe we gave up too soon. Sometimes, I felt like an 'enabler' which is different from supporting. Growth involves living with the consequences of our actions. A plant left unattended will wilt and die, I kind if feel our relationship was like that. I just got tired of me wanting to speak, him wanting to keep quiet. We should try and find a way to meet in the middle. A big part of me wanted to see some effort on his part, I didn't see it. I told God, I was going to pray and leave things be, just let go of everything. Since God speaks, if he really is the one I believe God will show me and tell me and I pray He will give me the strength to overcome all obstacles and be mature in the way I handle things. Life is uncertain, what we are certain of is that we will face storms, we can't keep going back and forth as we have been doing. I'm trying to write a balanced account but I feel like I'm heaping all the blame on him which I don't want to do.

So darling, thanks for the encouraging words. I'll keep posting and if anything changes, the blog will be the first to know!

Xoxo

From the Foundations

When the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?

Proverbs 11:2

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine

I think that quote is so powerful, wow! I think I'm going to print it and frame it. A big part of failing forward is assessing the reasons for the failure in the first instance. Letting go of the past does not mean to entirely forget what happened, for if I do not know my mistakes how can I ensure I do not repeat it? It is hard sometimes because to separate the reflection from the emotions that come with it but I guess I try and find a balance so that it's not about over analysing and getting stuck in the past.

I think I've said before that one of the biggest mistakes any couple can make is thinking 'This could never happen to me'. It's not about waiting for a storm to hit, but anticipating that a storm may come and building accordingly. It is very difficult to build in the presence of a storm so we should take precautions before hand. A lack of communication was a big barrier in the 'last days'. Communication is more than having a conversation but being able to say what you mean and what you really mean. The truth even when said in love may hurt but it is our responsibility to speak the truth always.

The last few months of last year going into this one had really been quite busy with respect to our individual academic/career goals and this allowed some cracks begin to show. We had stopped the counselling classes (funny enough we were about to go into the communication bit) as Mr O's schedule couldn't accommodate it. Honestly, this was not a problem for me as we had attended some and we could use the opportunity to start practicing what we had learnt so far? I think we were just existing, doing our own things. At the beginning of this year, I told him that even though we were busy we needed to try and make the time. Its not about meeting up every day but about making most of the time when you do meet up.

I have this saying that 'I don't mind fighting, as long as we fight fair and stick to the rules.' I won't say I have never raised my voice in an argument, or him either but an unwritten agreement is for both parties never to raise their voices at the same time and strange enough this has only happened once. To disagree in of itself is not a bad thing because it shows we are human and we are different but when we do disagree, our actions tell a lot about the person within. I didn't like the man I saw, neither did I like some things in the woman I saw either. I have learnt that patience is indeed a virtue and I must rely on God for an eternal supply to enable me to cope with the reality of what relationships require. Change is a gradual process. I felt that the relationship was more a priority for me than it was for him and suggested we take a break. Maybe that was a mistake but he didn't disagree. I just got tired of coming up with suggestions on how to make it work, going for counselling e.t.c and just decided to leave it be. Time couldn't be made to even ask and seek for help. In one of my last communications to him, I told him that the effort you make in saving something that is dying shows how much its worth is to you. In the end, I felt it wasn't worth very much, definitely not worth making the sacrifices required.

Relationships take commitment, maybe I wasn't as committed as I should have been. True, but I choose not to dwell on the past. Hopefully, I'm a little bit more mature now. I made a decision never to keep quiet because I think my words may hurt but to pray first and then speak, whether the words want to be heard or not because its better to get feelings out in the open than leave things to fester. A lack of communication is that thread that gets unravelled and begins to unravel everything else. Writing this post was hard..I want to write about happy things. I think I'll just continue answering the twenty questions from the next post.

Till later

XoXo