Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Talking about it..

Esther,I just went through this in my marriage,....... We worked through it sweetie and yes it was hard, what are you going to do Esther?, could this same situation happen if you were married, what would you do Esther, bail? I feel your pain, I really do and I promise I do not judge you. I totally agree that he has to step it up and fight for the relationship, examine how you told him you wanted a break, did he not object because he didn't care, he was frustrated himself, out of fear, or he felt betrayed that you would want to leave after everything you guys had. You have to talk, talk, talk. Even if you call it quits, you want to know that you know, that this relationship was not for you. I'm still very hopeful for your relationship for some reason. Keep praying darling, hand it all to God and listen when He speaks, letting go of your fears or pride if any. I'm really hopeful! xoxox

This was a comment I received on my last post. Thanks so much NewLife, I really appreciate the question, advice and prayer. It gave me a lot of food for thought because I had thought along similar lines myself but wouldn't really say I came to a 'conclusion' so to speak. I've been asked, is it possible for us to get back together, academically, I would still say yes we can, if we are both willing to do what is required to make it work. However, there is a little girl inside who just wants to cut her losses (and they are great) and move on. That is me being honest.

Hmm, if we were married, would I bail? I would like to think not, I would like to believe I would honour the vows that I had made and stick with the marriage. I do ask myself what I would have done different if we were married but then the truth still remains that we are not married so it is a bit difficult for me. All in all, even though I do not think going on breaks is a good thing, sometimes people need time to cool off, to assess what's really important, to realise the role that the person plays in their lives. When I suggested the break, a part of me thought that he would fight it, but in a sense we were already on break as we weren't speaking at that time. Phone calls went unanswered and unreturned and I thought that the relationship was just one more pressure in an already stressful situation so maybe taking that off the table would enable him sort out other stuff, he'd used the phrase 'pushing him' so I just felt it was better to leave things alone.

I did try to 'talk, talk,talk' but the timing was never right and honestly to me there's just so much I felt I could do at the time. His response was that he could not speak or contact me for the next 3 months when he would have more time from school. I lost a family member during this time, I sent him a text and I got a text back. Not a phone call and not a visit. I get upset and angry with people but never would I even think of reacting to a situation like that.  I spoke to a family member of his, he got upset with the person. I don't usually recommend family but I didn't really feel like speaking to his friends and I actually realised how few we had in common! I could wait for the 3 months but I knew that a part of me would always resent the fact that yet again we were working with his own life time table.

I was angry with him at a time but honestly now I'm not. Sometimes, people are not just in a place where they can commit to being in a relationship and I can accept that. There is a bit of fear as well, because honestly I tried to look into the future and wonder if we could face challenges as a couple and I just couldn't see it. Maybe we gave up too soon. Sometimes, I felt like an 'enabler' which is different from supporting. Growth involves living with the consequences of our actions. A plant left unattended will wilt and die, I kind if feel our relationship was like that. I just got tired of me wanting to speak, him wanting to keep quiet. We should try and find a way to meet in the middle. A big part of me wanted to see some effort on his part, I didn't see it. I told God, I was going to pray and leave things be, just let go of everything. Since God speaks, if he really is the one I believe God will show me and tell me and I pray He will give me the strength to overcome all obstacles and be mature in the way I handle things. Life is uncertain, what we are certain of is that we will face storms, we can't keep going back and forth as we have been doing. I'm trying to write a balanced account but I feel like I'm heaping all the blame on him which I don't want to do.

So darling, thanks for the encouraging words. I'll keep posting and if anything changes, the blog will be the first to know!



NewLife said...

Thank you for seeing my heart in my initial response. Esther, my eyes filled with tears as I read this, I really appreciate your openness and honesty. I'm sorry about the loss in your family, I wonder why he got upset with the relative, maybe its just a rough time in his life, its hard to tell, till you hear his own side of the story
"I could wait for the 3 months but I knew that a part of me would always resent the fact that yet again we were working with his own life time table" this is a tough one, I pray for discernment over this.
Your second to last paragraph "I was angry..." is very powerful, you are wise and also mature, I pray that God continues to strengthen you and open your eyes. You have come this far and you are worth fighting for,I repeat you, Esther Hadassah is worth fighting for.
Please continue to hold close to your heart. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Hadassah said...

@NewLife: You are a wonderful person, I don't know you but I just know you are. It was a rough time for him and I do understand, not totally emphatise but understand. A pastor said (incidentally, his pastor!!) 'don't marry a man until he is able to make weighty decisions'. Thanks for the encouraging words, please keep them coming they really mean a lot. Also, please if there's anything that comes to your heart pls share, I always appreciate honesty and candour. God bless you and your home as well

NewLife said...

Esther, thanks so much :D
I agree with the pastor, because there will be some difficult roads to travel at times in marriage and relationships, therefore, the man needs to be able to make a stand. Some of the necessary qualities are in all of us, it just takes time to nurture them. Time and patience could be our best friend or our worst enemy, that's why we need God right? :)
I hope you are doing well, and keeping your head up, it is well with you my sister

doll said...

i can relate with this post...esp the me wanting to talk, him wanting to be quiet part...just stay strong..this too shall pass

NewLife said...

Esther, just wanted you to know, you were being thought of. Thought about you while I heard a message in church yesterday about "unstoppable hope" it essentially talked about, if God didn't need us, we wouldn't be here and how our lives can be a source of hope to others. I'm delighted about the kind of woman you will become when all this is set and done.
I just know it is well with you. I also wanted you to know I'm praying with you and for him daily. Be blessed my sister

Hadassah said...

@NewLife: I read your comments, I don't even know what to say, your words are so comforting and reassuring. I will admit I am so scared sometimes. But God knows best and I leave everything with Him. Thanks for the prayers. God bless

Hadassah said...

@doll: Thanks sis, God bless

Berean Girl said...

I'm glad you had the time to clear your head and reflect on the relationship for a bit. It helps you see things more clearly. God puts us through certain experiences for a reason. I hope during this time apart that God works on both your heart and his. If its meant to be, it will fit together seamlessly when the timing is right.

NewLife said...

hey Esther,
I just wanted to let you know we all get weary at times, fear is usually an attack of the enemy, this is what I repeat to myself over and over till I believe it and it works

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given me the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I'm still praying... *hugs*

Hadassah said...

@Bereangirl: Thanks for your comment. Its actually a permanent break, I believe if it is meant to be, God will break down what needs to be broken down and rebuild what needs to be rebuilt.

@NewLife:Amen, I receive that word in Jesus name

jhazmyn said...

Hadassah, I must commend you...the fact that rather than be angry you have taken the time to analyze and reflect on what happened....I always believe God gives us the desires of our heart as long as it is in accordance with His will for us, and that includes a spouse that is willing to meet us half-way...cos that is what we deserve.

I totally feel this post, I could really relate to "I could wait for the 3 months but I knew that a part of me would always resent the fact that yet again we were working with his own life time table"....and like NewLife said....You are worth fighting for...and to add to that, you deserve a man who would love you and cherish you above all else...

NewLife said...

Hey Esther, thinking about you, hope all is well. Hugs
*still praying*

Hadassah said...

@jhazmyn: Thanks

@NewLife: Thanks sis, hugs