Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Needing you without being needy

I just finished reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating", it's a nice book, one that can be read at any stage of a relationship and even better before embarking on a relationship. The first commandment is titled "Thou shalt get a life", sometimes single people become so focused on wanting to have a partner that they freeze the rest of their life, waiting for Mr/Miss Right to show up so they can resume the process of living. I know before I got into this relationship, I had my phases when I had no life but thankfully they were short and far between as I realised that I couldn't really know when I would be in a relationship, so no use waiting before doing some certain things so I told God, I was going to start doing my things and enjoying myself.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend, she was telling me about a business idea that she had for a while and it was really interesting because from the sound of it, to me it seemed like this was what she had been born to do. As our conversation drew to a close, she commented that she would start the business when she got married. I was surprised, as in what does marriage have to do with it, she said well, if she had to leave her job it would be good to have the cushion of another income, presumably her husbands'.

I understand that may make sense on the surface but girlfriend was not even in a relationship at the time, so when will this dream come to fruition exactly, my point is I felt she was looking for an excuse for not taking the risk that comes with launching into the deep, not that I blame her but I asked myself what I had been subconsciously delaying while waiting for Mr Right and what my expectations of marriage were. Someone to pay the cable bills while I sort out the phone bills, someone to split the rent with, someone to have children with (at a point in my life, this was my only reason for getting married, I had lost faith in what I call the M word, marriage!)

Selwyn Hughes says that the greatest obstacle to Christian marriage is "when one expects to have their basic personal needs met by their partner". He isn't saying your partner should not fulfill some needs but not your basic needs. These basic needs are self-worth, security and significance. I have to start asking myself some questions? What do I really need from Mr O? Friendship, companionship, affirmation, does my sense of worth stem from the relationship I have with him? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship has become an idol in my life. I know relationships need to be nurtured but I worry that I'm spending so much time horizontally and not focusing enough on my vertical relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I think the issue doesn't stem so much from the fact that we shouldn't love our partners but we should love nothing and no one more than God. This week, I had a long talk with God about priorities, prioritising God above all else. It's just hard sometimes, keeping everything in balance especially as God is not someone I can call up on the phone or go round to visit or go to the movies with, funny isn't it how I forget so easily that He is always here. I'm learning about practicing the presence of God.

I've always believed we should need our partners, after all why are we in relationships? I need Mr O's humour, calmness, support and rational approach to things to help me with my often harried lifestyle. It's just that fine line between needing someone and being a needy person. I see a needy person as someone that can't do without their partner. Pastor encourages couples to say to each other, "I can live without you (pause for effect) but I choose not to". I think that sums it up, we don't hold on so tightly to a person like we can't breathe if they aren't there. Aloted did a nice post on this here. I know I have a tendency to be clingy but sometimes to combat that I go to the other end of the spectrum, being totally aloof! Lol, help me Lord to live a balanced life.

Now, I'm aware of this, my prayer is for GOD to teach me about balance in all that I do and I'm sure keeping Him in the first position in my heart is a good place to start. Funny, how this post turned out, this wasn't how or even what I intended to write about but it's all good.

Till next time,


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