What are you saying? Communication is key..

To me, communication is a bedrock of a relationship. If everything rises and falls on leadership as John Maxwell says, relationships thrive or wilt depending on how partners communicate. I looked up the word communicate on dictionary.org and came up with the following definitions/descriptions.

1.to impart knowledge of; make known: to communicate information; to communicate one's happiness.
2. to give to another; impart; transmit: to communicate a disease.
3.to give or interchange thoughts, feelings, information, or the like, by writing, speaking, etc.: They communicate with each other every day.
4.to express thoughts, feelings, or information easily or effectively.
5.to be joined or connected: The rooms communicated by means of a hallway.

So basically it's an exchange between I and Mr O, I and my mum, I and whoever I am communicating with of ideas, thoughts, feeling, information e.t.c. Pastor says that communication involves three basic principles. Talking, listening and understanding. Get these 3 right and we will save ourselves a lot of stress. He also mentioned that for communication to occur there must be a speaker, a medium through which communication goes through and the receiver and also from speaker to receiver there are certain guidelines that should be put in place before effective communication can occur.

We haven't discussed this topic in full detail and by the grace of God, I hope to share what I have learnt and how I'm practically applying what I'm learning. This is an area of great interest to me because effective communication is not one of my strongest points. I and Mr O started out as friends, as in just friends. We attended the same church and were placed in the same department to serve. Funny enough, I and his younger brother were even closer friends and I used to see him as my friends egbon..it's amazing what a few years can do to you isn't it? I always encourage my sisters, please develop relationships with people even outside of your comfort zone. He may not really seem like who you think he should be but always keep an open mind plus an open ear to God who is the one who reveals the thoughts and intents of the hearts of man!

From acquaintances to friends, to closer friends, to almost brother/sister to courtship should have been a smooth transition shouldn't it? I mean we had known each other for almost seven years before we started thinking about a 'relationship' so our foundation should have been strong and solid as a rock..yes? NO, a very big NO if I may add. Now, there are two sides to every story and unfortunately Mr O cannot come and share his side but well..maybe? A lot of issues that we had at the beginning of our relationship were in my opinion due to a lack of communication on both sides. We were both assuming (ASS-U-ME..get it!) a lot of things about the other rather than finding a way to talk through issues and importantly RESOLVE them. It's no point going back and forth over an issue when each person is trying to prove their point without it gearing towards RESOLUTION (Dang, Holy Spirit, this must be a setup so that there's somewhere to put me back in order when I go offtrack!).

When something happens, I would rather talk about it there and then and get it over with, no so with my oga, he withdraws into himself until he can find his answer and keep on stepping. I've been told this is typical of men and women. As I liked to say it then and there, I never used to take into account timing with respect to communication. There is a time to talk and a time to keep quiet the Bible says, there is also a way to talk..FG did an excellent post on this here. For good communication, one must speak, the other must listen and both must UNDERSTAND.

To prevent myself from raising my voice when I'm particularly bothered about an issue, I write it in an email, this helps me structure my thoughts as there is no way to delete a spoken word although I might add a big part of communication is non-verbal so there are some discussions better suited for face to face. There was an instance where I sent the email and was shocked, hurt, angered and really bitter about the response I received. I asked myself how Mr O could possibly read the meaning he read from the words I sent. I too sent my own missile. Isn't it funny how we throw bombs at each other and raise our hands in surprise when all around is debris!

Thank God for God in this instance, He spoke to Mr O who spoke to me kindly and tenderly. We discussed the issue, understood where the other person was coming from, which enabled us forgive each other and deepened our relationship. I must say that when the Bible says all things will work together for your good it has been true to us. From every major misunderstanding we have had (there haven't been that many!!) we have by the grace of God emerged stronger. It is only by His grace, I can't even boast. I am trying and striving to commit every area of my relationship to the One who is the author and finisher, He does not create confusion but makes everything beautiful in it's time.

I believe in terms of communication we still have some way to go but I trust God will be with us every step of the way. I am learning to think about what I say/write before doing it, also to go with God's guidance regarding timing, saying the right thing at the wrong time can sometimes come across the wrong way. I'm learning and growing. Love is a good thing and not only between a man and a woman. One of my personal favourite sayings is that relationships are mirrors through which we view ourselves. I can't wait for the next class to get some more tips for effective communication.

XoXo.

Who's in charge? Our roles in marriage

For the past two weeks, Pastor has been discussing on this topic. The issue of roles in marriage. I just discovered that Pastor is using Selwyn Hughe's Marriage as God intended as the supporting text for the classes and I got my copy this week. So far, so great! It's a wonderful book and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone whether you are just considering marriage or already married.

Anyway, back to my ponderings...roles in marriage. This can usually turn to a hot topic because usually it's the man is the head, the woman should submit e.t.c, e.t.c. As always, Pastor referred us back to the Bible which tells us that 'husbands should love their wives...let me get it straight from the apostle's mouth.

Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, Because we are members (parts) of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; Ephesians 5:28-33

Pastor taught us that the role of the husband is that of a LOVING LEADER. Not just a leader or a tyrant or the Big Boss but a loving leader. The Bible commands men to love their wives as they love themselves and as Christ loves the church. Most importantly, as he loves himself. I've come to realise that the men actually have the 'tougher' deal. How did Christ love the church? He loved her enough to shed His blood for her on calvary even when she did not acknowledge the love. This is the type of love shown by Hosea for Gomer. I don't think this type of love can actually come from one's self but from the Lord. Pastor explained how this love can be shown practically.

The husband must express his love through acts of service and acts of kindness. Dates, gifts, words of affirmation, touch, hugs kinda reminds me of the 5 love languages. He should also be willing to sacrifice for her and a sacrifice is not a sacrifice if it isn't worth something to the other person, he must be willing to keep her in high esteem and be patient with her when she makes mistakes. There's a last one I can't remember at the moment! Wow, I guess Mr O has his work cut out. I pray that he be the man that God has created him to be because this is no easy task. I and Mr O have this saying when one of us thanks the other for something that has been done. We say "It's part of my job description" so if it makes you happy, I do it because that my job!

For us the women (wives), Apostle Paul didn't forget us and although this verse has been preached in so many ways with so many responses, I got a new insight when I read Rev Hughes words on this matter. The Scripture says;

Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord...As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands...and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly Ephesians 5:22,24 and 33b

My first feeling was wow, God is this possible but if God has asked it of us, surely He must know that I will be able to do it by His strength of course. I like the way it is written in the Amplified Bible. I should adapt myself to him as a service to the Lord. God has already given us the pattern of how this submission should be. I am defining submission as an attitude in which I acknowledge the fact that my husband is the loving leader in our home. As Jesus was subject to the will of the Father and I am subject to Christ in all that I do, so my will should be subject to that of my husband. There can be no submission without love and trust. Jesus loves me this I know, I trust that whatever He asks of me is always in my best interest, this does not always mean that I willingly go in the direction, He asks of me.

Pastor said that the fact that your husband is the loving leader and you the submissive follower does not mean he just says this is it and that's that. A loving leader asks for the opinion of the one who follows because if you don't need others opinions then why did you get married in the first place. Adam needed Eve and it would be silly for him to discount her say on the matter. Pastor said that we need to get to a place where our husbands had the right on the final say in a matter.

Hmm, I know I'm not there yet but this to me buttresses the importance of the choice I am making in a life partner. It's not that I don't trust Mr O but honestly, I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can wholeheartedly say that I can trust all his decisions but then neither can I trust all my decisions either, there should be room for both of us to make mistakes. So far in our relationship, he usually tries to get my opinion on matters especially those that directly affect us. I'm not a good one with ultimatums, I was remarking this fact to a girlfriend...don't tell me "or else" because I'll come back with "or else what". I know I have some way to go before I get this submission thing but Father give me the grace and strength to walk in the attitude of submission. Help my husband to be to be a loving leader in Jesus name.

The other role of a wife is to respect her husband. Respect him...how? The Amplified Bible shows how. I know I've not perfected this yet but by the grace of God I will make a conscious effort to praise, honour, respect, reverence, admire and love Mr O. On my way home from the class I sent Mr O a text indicating I would try my best to do these and more by the grace of God and his reply made me smile.

"Madam. Thank you for being you. Your smile, voice, understanding and of course I'll respect, honour, celebrate and love you always xxxxxxx". Me thinks I must be doing some things right or what do you reckon?

He loves me, he loves me not; Understanding our love languages

I just finished reading The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. It was really an interesting read. I'd started it before but didn't finish it for some reason. It comes highly recommended because the principles it contains can be applied to all relationships and not just those of a romantic nature. I'm beginning to realise just how important this preparation, learning and growing together thing is so important in our relationship. I and Mr O are different not only in gender and background which is usually enough for some Oscar winning performances from us both but also in our love languages.

From reflecting on what I read in the book, I've come to realise my primary love language is quality time. I think I also respond very well to acts of service and words of affirmation but quality time rates very highly. I now realise that a lot of award winning drama we had at the beginning of our relationship stemmed from the fact that we were not so aware of what was appreciated as a loving gesture by the other person. I couldn't understand why Mr O would claim to love me and yet not want to spend quality time with me. By quality time I don't mean sitting somewhere while Mr O is watching the telly and I'm daydreaming (although this is how it is sometimes) but quality time where I'm laughing at his jokes or vice versa, sharing things we don't know about each other, praying together or debating about our different points of view about a particular issue. So people spending quality time with me and I with them really speaks love to me because for me time is so precious, even more than money and for you to choose to spend some of it on me really speaks volumes!

Mr O is a gift and acts of service giver. From the small to the great, he can give gifts to raise the dead. That is what he speaks, that is what he knows. So what do we do? I like gifts but because of some issues from my childhood I'd always seen a gift as an "I am sorry" gesture as opposed to an "I love you" . So while I would accept them, it just didn't seem to cut it. Later, I would feel guilty for not really appreciating what he brought to the table. I thank God for God and the Holy Spirit, believe me the Heavenly Father is the most important force for any relationship to succeed. God began to teach me about love 1st Corinthians 13 style. I'm not there yet, not even close but by His grace I know we are getting better.

From reading the book I have learnt that while it is important to learn to speak your partner's, sister's, brothers, colleague's e.t.c love language even though it is something that at first might seem foreign to you, remember love involves sacrifice i.e it might not be comfortable, it is also important as recipients of love to see the heart from which the language flows and see it for what it is presented for. Yes, I like quality time but the shirt Mr O bought and put in 'my' locker tells me that he loves me and was thinking about me at the time. Yesterday on our way back from the counselling class (so much fun!!) he gave me a packet of crisps, I don't like crisps but I ate it like it was the best thing since sliced bread. He really is very thoughtful because he saved it for me because I get so hungry after the class.

I'm trying to take the revelation into my other relationships, especially with my family. I'm trying to recognise what their love languages are and give/receive accordingly. Love is love, whether one is loving a husband (i admit this must sometimes need a special grace from on high), a friend, a sister or an employee. It requires great emotional strength. I' m learning to ask God for the grace and strength to always do right by those He has brought into my life. It is well. I'm enjoying walking and growing in love.

The choice

I've been pondering on the issue of choosing a mate. Some people say there is only one person who has been destined to be your partner and team mate in the journey of life and as God knows who this person is, you seek His face and you eventually meet and live happily ever after. Some people are on the other end of the spectrum and feel that the choice of who they marry is totally up to them. What do I think?

Well I don't believe that there is just one person created to be my mate, I believe that God has given me free will but I also strongly believe that because He created me, He knows what's best for me and I should rely on His guidance. I think after the decision to give my life to Christ and serve Him faithfully for the rest of my life, the next decision on the scale of importance is the choice of who I marry. Although it's not easy, I can change careers or relocate to another country but marriage, it's not so easy to change husbands and even if it is, I really don't want to find out. By the grace of God, I pray for the 'd' word to never enter the dictionary of my life in Jesus name. It is not an option. I believe that no one enters marriage believing that they will get divorced so we should try and take the steps to ensure we don't get there.

Pastor says talk to God, don't make a decision solely based on how you feel. Have you prayed? Have you gotten a confirmation from God that this is the One? Also, have you weighed the pros and cons of getting married to this person? Do you know him/her?

Personally, whenever I used to pray about relationship issues in the past, I always wondered how God would speak to me for the truth is where my emotions are involved I find it very difficult to hear from God. Either for or against. Pastor said pray, ask God to confirm his answer through His word and through the mouth of another witness. This resonated with me. I must admit I didn't really pray when I and Mr O decided to start the relationship, I rephrase, I prayed but I wasn't sure I got an answer per say, I just went with the peace of God I had in my heart. But then we had a very big disagreement in the first few months (The Big Fight, I might talk about it in a later post) and we decided not to see each other anymore. Then I prayed and this time I waited for God to speak to me. God spoke to me through his word, through the message of the pastor in my sister's church and through my mother. The reason I know about the confirmation from two witnesses is because they did not know what the implications of the words they spoke meant to me.

Even with this, I must say that there are times I still wonder and have doubts but deep down I know God is working and therefore as I have made my choice, I need to dig my heels into the foundation of commitment and build our relationship from there. I don't know if Mr O is the best man in the world but he is definitely the best man for me! Keep smiling and shining.

Preparation

A definition of prepare is to put in proper condition or readiness. To put in proper condition, that means preparation actually comes before doing something. I prepare to go out, I prepare for my presentation, for my exam e.t.c. These days I have been asking myself serious questions. Questions like Am I preparing for life? To be a wife and mother, to be an employee and a business owner and if I am preparing, how am I preparing? Am I preparing in the right way? As a child of God, I believe that God has created me for a specific purpose and I need to rely on His guidance to see me through in my life.

To be successful in any endeavour in life, one must be prepared. Woe to an army whose enemy finds them unprepared for battle. At this point in my life I feel like I am in preparation for so many things. I'm preparing for the next phase of my career, to start a business and also to be a Mrs (this is heavy!) but by the grace of God, I will choose to depend on His wisdom to see me through because so many problems and issues can be avoided if only one was prepared.

I and the man I love, like and am in love with (Mr O) have recently started premarital counselling. Like I said, no official proposal yet but we know where we are going and I think it's better to start now to start putting a solid foundation in place. I would recommend it for people in serious relationships even before you get engaged because some issues crop up in counselling that make you think hmmm..I'd never considered that before! I will be sharing what I am learning there and the impact that it is making in my life and our relationship. I love what the pastor taking the class said "This is a life class, it's not just about marriage because the principles you will learn here can be applied to other areas of your life".

I want to be prepared, like a tennis player always on the balls of their feet, ever ready to apply lethal force to that ball when it gets to their court, what about you?

Welcome

E ka abo! Bienvenue! Welcome! After perusing and falling in love with so many blogs, I have decided to take the plunge..blogging here I come. I intend to write on the happenings in my life Before I Did...Before I did what you may ask. Before I got married. Funny thing is I'm not even engaged yet (though I know there's something in the works) but I just thought to put down the things I have learnt and am still learning on my journey to being a Mrs! I hope it will be a blessing to those who read it because I intend to be brutally honest! It will also chronicle my journey to a fitter me. I want to look and feel fit and fab Before I do not just to fit into a dress but to be my best for my King (God) and also due to some health concerns that have cropped up that I will discuss later. Be blessed.