I like you but not always what you do

Hi everyone

Happy New Year, welcome to 2010! I pray this will be a year of better things in the mighty name of Jesus. Wow, that was a long break! Never really thought that I would be gone for so long. So I'll continue with the twenty questions.

What annoys you the most about me? What do you enjoy the most about being with me?

Over the past few months, I'm slowly beginning to live out the knowledge about relationships I have been gathering over the years. Every book I have read, every conversation I have had always alludes to the same point, that no one is perfect, not me and not Mr O. I say it all the time but struggle to deal with the reality of what that means sometimes. I have really been working on deepening my relationship with the Lord, He is perfect because God always understands! Marriage is made up of an imperfect man and an imperfect woman who are committed to loving perfectly and bound by God's perfect love which makes them a three fold cord that is not easily broken.

One of the things I have learnt about my wonderful Mr O is that he is hesitant to talk about things he doesn't like about me, maybe I'm really that scary..lol! Over time, I'm beginning to learn more about non-verbal communication, that someone doesn't say something doesn't mean they haven't said anything. Hmm, Esther, what do you mean? Remember when you were out and playing the fool, Mama never had to say nothing, just a slight incline to the eye brow meant something, she could even be smiling but you knew that if the eyebrows went above a certain threshold, your behind was gonna be a bit sore before you went to bed!

If he likes something, he says it, so when he keeps quiet I can pretty much guess he doesn't like it. On one hand, I believe that strong relationships, no matter what type should be able to handle the TRUTH. There should be the freedom to say things your partner doesn't necessarily want to hear without any fear of repercussions for such expression. I'm learning to be careful about how I respond to criticism because I don't want him to feel that he can't say something because I'm going to blow off. I might get upset but maturity involves dealing with criticism by seeing it for what it is, learning from it or putting it aside and most importantly moving on.

The things I love about Mr O, I'm sure I must have mentioned in a previous post but well you can never say good things too much and I can always come back here to read it on those days when I get.....oh well!

Mr O is patient with me, he lets me hog the remote (as long as Prison Break is not on, lol!), He's not the type that sits in the living room while the Mrs slaves away in the kitchen and does all the household chores as well. One day I sent a message to Mr O's mum thanking her for the work she did in raising such a well mannered man because I know I am reaping a lot of benefits of her hard work. I enjoy being with him because when he is around I relax, I tend to worry a lot and just hearing him say It's ok or just something makes me put my mind at rest. Especially when I'm travelling, I tend to panic a bit, always checking to see I've got my ticket, passport and Mastercard! Lol! He always tries to make sure we go to the airport together and he stays until I go past security. Hmm, all this just makes me feel like giving him a big hug.

Mr O can make me laugh, we gossip a lot and there's this funny way his eyes go when we see some wierd stuff happening around us and we can't really make any comments about it there and then. I love the way he relates with my family, if you come to my home you'll think he's my mum's son which he is but you can't really tell who is the child or prospective in-law, this has always been important to me because marriage is about becoming one with your partner but realising as an independent unit you are also part of a bigger picture!

I love the way he encourages me when I am down, the way he remembers me in little things and tolerates my obsession with the colour brown. I enjoy being with him because he brings things to the table I have no idea about, I call him Mr Posh because he knows all these facts and all such things, how to sit, all etiquette do's and don'ts! Sometimes I just look at him and say wow!! I love the fact that he gives me the space to be who I am, to be an individual, yes we are a couple but sometimes we just need space to connect with God or with ourselves. Mr O is a generous person, he gives and not just to me. He's one of those people who find it hard to say no to people which I'm not entirely sure is a good thing because sometimes I think people do take advantage of the fact.

So well, what do I find annoying? Strange enough, like most women say. It's the little things, the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's those messages that don't get responded to, the feeling of being 'kept outside' of his life when he's facing challenges and bigger issues like budgeting or lack thereof, not taking the time to understand what I'm saying when it's something he doesn't really want to hear. In recent times I have made a decision to discuss and resolve issues as they arise. I was chatting with a friend recently and she said she attributes the success of her marriage to the ability of both her and her husband to say what needs to be said in love even when the other person is not going to be happy to hear it. That's a guideline I'll be willing to follow not only with Mr O but with my friends as well. A friend loves at all times the Bible says and sometimes that love involves telling the painful truth! Ok and if I'm honest a compliment on how I look when we're going out would be nice.

I'm sure there might be little annoying things I'll discover when we actually live together, maybe his low clutter threshold may make me roll my eyes every once in a while but better OCD than slob. I can't stand it when people just throw clothes all over the floor en route to the shower! However I trust that what holds us both together will always be more than whatever would try to separate us. I guess on average there are more things to enjoy than annoy. I love my boo.

I thought I would actually have more annoying things to write but I guess we've really got to a place of acceptance, we still have misunderstandings but not as often and rarely over the same issue twice. I believe we are growing and I pray this New year will be our very best year yet. I pray the same for you as well.

Till later, keep on living, loving and laughing..

Xoxo

Reasons why I am still single

Hi everyone

In an older post, I said that I would write a post with the above title. I actually thought of writing this as a letter a long time ago and sending it in the mail to anyone who asked me "What is happening?", "When are we coming?", "Are you still not married"..hmm, I intended to a bit sarcastic but have decided to do an honest evaluation and share my views. Mr O dislikes it when I say I'm single, he says the right term is 'in a relationship', I guess he is right but by saying single I mean unmarried which is the definition I'm using in this post.

So in no particular order here goes;

• Wasting time being good enough as a 'friend' but not wife material

Well, I can write an epistle on this. Yes, yes, I know we are encouraged to marry our best friend and it is true. Marriage is held together not so much by eros (passionate love) as it is by phileo (brotherly love) and agape (unconditional love). I had a very close male friend (DL) who I met when I was about 18, he is actually the only male friend I have had and known longer than Mr O. We were best friends, we would talk, he said I was his soul mate and vice versa. I was young when we met but I think there was a part of me that really felt he was the one for me. Even till date, he is one of the few people that I can say know me very well. For me, he was the one, anyone who stepped up to me couldn't match up to him so there was no point starting anything, we were soul mates weren't we? Imagine my elation when he told me that he had a crush on someone and he knew I would be very surprised, of course I was when it turned out to be a mutual friend! Lol! Strange enough, even after that I still thought he was the one for me, until he got engaged to someone else. I see some of my friends make this mistake, women we love but if a man has not expressly made his intentions clear, I believe we are still very 'available'. A friend of mine had this friend, she was everything and more. I asked her if she was sure there wasn't more to their friendship from her side and she even got annoyed but I didn't want her going to a place I had lived before because to me the guy was not interested in her like that. Anyway to cut a long story short, he introduced her to his fiancee and she had a major breakdown including hospitalisation. I might be wrong but I don't believe men marry the most available woman, the one who is always ready to do this and that, always there, they just marry who they want to marry! By this I'm not saying don't be a good female friends to the men in your life but examine your motives. If they're friends, let them be friends, don't dream, don't do the FLAMES game with their name. If they become more than friends, even better because you have the advantage of knowing them without best foot forward. This is a personal opinion but I always wonder when I see girls who have so many male friends and are single, meet my good friend Goke, my very good friend Uche, my ex Musa but if all these men are here why don't they see us as wife material? Yes, I know, we didn't see him that way and they don't see us that way but why is this?

• Wasted opportunities while waiting for Mr Perfect

For me, Mr Right was Mr Perfect, he had to be this, this, this. Not so much tall, dark and handsome as focused, purpose driven, some cash wouldn't be too bad. None of the characteristics I have written down are bad and are essential and desirable qualities in a mate but I think the issue I had was not separating the essential from the desirable. Like any vacancy, the advert asks for some essential skills in the person profile, this means if you don't have this, don't bother applying but there are some desirable skills as well, which means you don't need to have this now but we can train you when you get on board. I was really hung up on marrying a really 'spiritual' brother without really defining spiritual. Well, I dated someone who 'acted' spiritual but didn't 'live' spiritual. It's so funny that my Holy Ghost talking brother couldn't keep his hands to himself but Mr O can and does. Thank God for mentors! God opened my eyes, the man may not tick all the boxes, he may earn less than you do and might be two inches shorter than your ideal but if he ticks the desirable, I say give love a chance. People usually say God's time is the best, I read a blog where the author was talking about God's time and it's time, sometime while we are waiting for what we think is God's time, the time for a particular thing begins to wane. I consider myself an older single so I definitely do not mean any disrespect. God has a plan for us as individuals and I truly believe for some this includes what seems like delay in getting married especially when there are some lessons we need to learn as singles, however there comes a time in a woman's life when knocks on the door are not as frequent as when we were younger. For some, being of the same ethnic tribe is an ESSENTIAL, while I do understand, I do not agree. I have seen too many people write people off because of that one fact and cry to God asking for a mate what about if He has sent them already and you said no because they came in a package we did not expect!

• Not putting myself out there

Wow, this is getting interesting. By this I mean I wasn't going anywhere. We have to meet our prospective someone somewhere even if we are not going there with the intention of meeting a husband/wife. When I read wedding websites, I always go to the How we met story, whether it's an introduction by mutual friends or the matchmaker by fire crew, or at a party, in the choir, single's fellowship, book club, sat next to me on the plane and was so interesting to talk to, there is always that first meeting that blossoms into something else but what if I don't go there. I usually keep myself to myself and it's a good thing for I'm an introvert by nature but I'm learning to network. In this season of my life, I want to go out, talk to people, learn from people. This is not about adding random strangers as friends on facebook and going clubbing by fire every Friday night. It is not so much about going everywhere to looking for a significant other but opening ourselves to new opportunities. I've made up my mind to be more interesting, please do the same. In a book I read the author advised that single people should go on a date with the next person that asked (not random strangers o for safety's sake) even though on the surface they didn't tick all the boxes, it's about making friends. But we need to position ourselves.

• God's plan

I don't see being single as a disease for in a way we are all single whether we tick the married box or not. If someone slaps my face, I feel the pain and not my boo. However, I strongly believe that there was a season in my life where I was not supposed to be in a relationship. After the fiasco with my friend, I put my heart on ice for a while, no one could touch it hence no one could hurt it. In this season, I promised God I would focus on him and not a man. I believe God taught me how to stand on my own that I was complete without a man, we are to complement and not complete. I'm not saying I totally got the message but I believe some seasons of singleness are ordained. Just like Esther, we are in preparation for the next phase of our lives. Sometimes, I think that God looked at mankind and asked how can I stretch these people, for them to be mature and selfless and then he invented marriage! Lol! So if that's the season you're in enjoy but keep learning. The learning don't all have to be spiritual, cooking is an essential. This has nothing to do with the 21st century or education, I tell ladies, I cook for myself because I like to eat good food, when I get married, my 'flatmate' will enjoy the benefits. See it as something you do for yourself, what about the kids what will they eat? I'm not that great in the kitchen but I try my best. Balancing accounts, multitasking the things we women do well.

• Not knowing then what I know now

I'm beginning to realise that a lot of things people take for granted are not necessarily important. Some might not agree with me but these days I feel what is required are 1 committed man, 1 committed woman, source of income, roof over your heads. Sometimes we delay because we want a big wedding. Weddings are no easy feat, traditional and church. Men, it's not easy. We don't have to live in our dream home yet, we don't have to be living the dream yet, we just have to be ready to put each other first. I've seen so many couples start with nothing, well apart from love and grow leaps and bounds, growth they attribute to the support of their partner. This is my view, sometimes I feel like I just want us to get married. I've never been a big fan of big weddings or weddings even. Oh well, that's me, I'm sure family and friends have their own ideas, even Mr O but I sometimes wonder if some of this debt we get ourselves in is really worth it for those few hours! Also, he doesn't have to work in Goldman Sachs, if that's his dream, part of my job is making sure he achieves his potential.

Well, well, there might be more but for now, I'll leave it here, feel free to add your thoughts as comments, I want to go blog hopping for now.

Till later,

XoXo

It's getting hot in here!!

What are your thoughts on sexuality?

I don't know how many times I've started this post and scrapped it, dunno why that is! Most of the blogs on my blog list have at least one post dedicated to the subject. Recommended reading, if I might add. But this is my blog and I promised to be truthful, candid and open. So what are my thoughts on the issue of sex and sexuality...First of all, I must confess I had to look up the word sexuality in the dictionary because I was not really sure what it meant, lol!We haven't discussed sex in our pre-marital counselling classes yet and if truth be told I and Mr O haven't discussed it much either.

I believe sex is for marriage, I've heard so many arguments back and forth about pre-marital sex, virginity and purity. I'm a twenty seven year old female who has never had sex before, I don't believe this makes me a saint but it is a choice I made because it is in congruence to my values. For me, the emphasis has been on purity and not virginity. I read a book titled 'Kissed the girls and made them cry' by Lisa Bevere when I was about 18 and her argument was so compelling that I made a decision to keep myself pure. When I hear people ask the question how far is too far, I say I don't know because really I don't, I don't focus so much on what we can't do but I ask myself the question, What would Jesus do if he was in the room with both of us because the truth is that God is with me all the time, I just act accordingly.

I will admit that I am mainly prudish, as in when sex is mentioned I might start blushing or giggle like a silly school girl! However, as I have been preparing myself and getting myself educated I've lost quite a few of my inhibitions. Although we never really discussed boundaries, I believe I and Mr O are on the same page, we haven't had any issues or arguments about the physical area of our relationship and both agree no sex before marriage. I recently realised that we are both shy people and we could be so naive when dealing with the opposite sex, I'm not sure either of us would recognise a come on except it was pasted in neon signs! It's not an easy decision to keep yourself pure, after all we are human beings and physical attraction is a big part of any relationship. It takes God's help and learning to say no to something you would really like to say yes to.

I believe sex is an act to be enjoyed in marriage, between a husband and a wife (sorry no trios or swinging!). These days I hear a lot of men and women comment that they would like their prospective husband and wife to be experienced in the bedroom before marriage but I beg to differ. I have no one to compare Mr O to and even if I did, I'm not sure it would be fair. I look forward to having sex but I don't put myself under any undue pressure. I feel we have a lifetime to learn not so much about sex, technically it's quite easy, but about what he wants and likes, what I want and like. Sex is just like marriage as a whole, not so much about you as it is the other person. It's also about being patient and understanding, love is in growing together and that includes the bedroom too. Honesty is important as well as the willingness not to be over sensitive but with a foundation of trust, I believe everything should be allright, we should prepare ourselves by getting informed, there are good books and thankfully great blogs as well but not being pre-occupied with it.

I know variety is the spice of life and know I have to make room for items from Ms Victoria, La Senza and the like, I'm not so sure of the hard core stuff, whips, chains and the like. Ha! Sex is a good thing but I've kept that bit of my life in God's hands until the day I say I do. Check out the reading list for more information but if you're single whether male or female, please don't feel pressured to do what you don't want to do. I believe a partner that respects you will respect your boundaries as well and whoever that person is exists, so don't worry too much about it.

Till later

XoXo

Just laugh..

Hi everyone

I would like to say a very big thank you to y'all for your lovely comments. I was privileged to have a conversation with one of the readers off-camera. Missy, thank you so much. I've taken ALL you said on board! The truth is I'm fine, he's fine but we have some issues to deal with and as Ms. Whitman says we will come out stronger.

I got this in my mail today and it made me smile, hope it does the same for you.

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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.


One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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As a Sunday School teacher, this brought tears to my eyes! Just a reminder that even though sometimes we go through difficult times, we can choose what our response can be. Sometimes throw your hands up in the air and just laugh even if you think you're crazy, laugh because you can! I just did!

On days like this

On days like this

It hurts to have you around

It hurts to have you far away

It hurts to speak to you

It hurts to keep quiet

It hurts to say the truth

It hurts to tell lies

It hurts to hold on

It hurts even more to give up

It hurts to do what is right

It hurts to do wrong

Everything just hurts

Today I have been musing on the storms of life and how they come to reveal things for what they really are. If I say I have a strong foundation, the storm will prove the veracity of my words. As a couple I and Mr O have faced, face and will continue to face different storms but our survival will continually depend on what we build our relationship with. I think good has come from facing crisis, I know what he does when he faces the challenges of life but the question I repeatedly ask myself these days is whether I can sign on to a forever of the man he is today or if I secretly wish that he will change in some areas. I recently made a promise to myself to always be honest at least to myself. I hear a voice tell me that love covers a multitude of sins, I don't want to listen to that voice for I recognise the source, at least not today but I have to don't I. Thank you Lord.

This is just to encourage anyone reading that sometimes relationships hit rough patches, before you get married and I guess after as well. Just as I don't believe in the 'D' word (divorce) i'm always hesitant to use the 'B' word (break-up) but before you do accurately assess what you are signing up for. It's one thing to know that imperfections exist yet another to wake up to those imperfections each morning. I'm at a low point but I think I just need to sit with my Daddy for a while on this one. Should be back soon, just wanted to share there are days like this...