Sunday, 15 November 2009

Reasons why I am still single

Hi everyone

In an older post, I said that I would write a post with the above title. I actually thought of writing this as a letter a long time ago and sending it in the mail to anyone who asked me "What is happening?", "When are we coming?", "Are you still not married"..hmm, I intended to a bit sarcastic but have decided to do an honest evaluation and share my views. Mr O dislikes it when I say I'm single, he says the right term is 'in a relationship', I guess he is right but by saying single I mean unmarried which is the definition I'm using in this post.

So in no particular order here goes;

  • Wasting time being good enough as a 'friend' but not wife material

Well, I can write an epistle on this. Yes, yes, I know we are encouraged to marry our best friend and it is true. Marriage is held together not so much by eros (passionate love) as it is by phileo (brotherly love) and agape (unconditional love). I had a very close male friend (DL) who I met when I was about 18, he is actually the only male friend I have had and known longer than Mr O. We were best friends, we would talk, he said I was his soul mate and vice versa. I was young when we met but I think there was a part of me that really felt he was the one for me. Even till date, he is one of the few people that I can say know me very well. For me, he was the one, anyone who stepped up to me couldn't match up to him so there was no point starting anything, we were soul mates weren't we? Imagine my elation when he told me that he had a crush on someone and he knew I would be very surprised, of course I was when it turned out to be a mutual friend! Lol! Strange enough, even after that I still thought he was the one for me, until he got engaged to someone else. I see some of my friends make this mistake, women we love but if a man has not expressly made his intentions clear, I believe we are still very 'available'. A friend of mine had this friend, she was everything and more. I asked her if she was sure there wasn't more to their friendship from her side and she even got annoyed but I didn't want her going to a place I had lived before because to me the guy was not interested in her like that. Anyway to cut a long story short, he introduced her to his fiancee and she had a major breakdown including hospitalisation. I might be wrong but I don't believe men marry the most available woman, the one who is always ready to do this and that, always there, they just marry who they want to marry! By this I'm not saying don't be a good female friends to the men in your life but examine your motives. If they're friends, let them be friends, don't dream, don't do the FLAMES game with their name. If they become more than friends, even better because you have the advantage of knowing them without best foot forward. This is a personal opinion but I always wonder when I see girls who have so many male friends and are single, meet my good friend Goke, my very good friend Uche, my ex Musa but if all these men are here why don't they see us as wife material? Yes, I know, we didn't see him that way and they don't see us that way but why is this?

  • Wasted opportunities while waiting for Mr Perfect

For me, Mr Right was Mr Perfect, he had to be this, this, this. Not so much tall, dark and handsome as focused, purpose driven, some cash wouldn't be too bad. None of the characteristics I have written down are bad and are essential and desirable qualities in a mate but I think the issue I had was not separating the essential from the desirable. Like any vacancy, the advert asks for some essential skills in the person profile, this means if you don't have this, don't bother applying but there are some desirable skills as well, which means you don't need to have this now but we can train you when you get on board. I was really hung up on marrying a really 'spiritual' brother without really defining spiritual. Well, I dated someone who 'acted' spiritual but didn't 'live' spiritual. It's so funny that my Holy Ghost talking brother couldn't keep his hands to himself but Mr O can and does. Thank God for mentors! God opened my eyes, the man may not tick all the boxes, he may earn less than you do and might be two inches shorter than your ideal but if he ticks the desirable, I say give love a chance. People usually say God's time is the best, I read a blog where the author was talking about God's time and it's time, sometime while we are waiting for what we think is God's time, the time for a particular thing begins to wane. I consider myself an older single so I definitely do not mean any disrespect. God has a plan for us as individuals and I truly believe for some this includes what seems like delay in getting married especially when there are some lessons we need to learn as singles, however there comes a time in a woman's life when knocks on the door are not as frequent as when we were younger. For some, being of the same ethnic tribe is an ESSENTIAL, while I do understand, I do not agree. I have seen too many people write people off because of that one fact and cry to God asking for a mate what about if He has sent them already and you said no because they came in a package we did not expect!

  • Not putting myself out there

Wow, this is getting interesting. By this I mean I wasn't going anywhere. We have to meet our prospective someone somewhere even if we are not going there with the intention of meeting a husband/wife. When I read wedding websites, I always go to the How we met story, whether it's an introduction by mutual friends or the matchmaker by fire crew, or at a party, in the choir, single's fellowship, book club, sat next to me on the plane and was so interesting to talk to, there is always that first meeting that blossoms into something else but what if I don't go there. I usually keep myself to myself and it's a good thing for I'm an introvert by nature but I'm learning to network. In this season of my life, I want to go out, talk to people, learn from people. This is not about adding random strangers as friends on facebook and going clubbing by fire every Friday night. It is not so much about going everywhere to looking for a significant other but opening ourselves to new opportunities. I've made up my mind to be more interesting, please do the same. In a book I read the author advised that single people should go on a date with the next person that asked (not random strangers o for safety's sake) even though on the surface they didn't tick all the boxes, it's about making friends. But we need to position ourselves.

  • God's plan

I don't see being single as a disease for in a way we are all single whether we tick the married box or not. If someone slaps my face, I feel the pain and not my boo. However, I strongly believe that there was a season in my life where I was not supposed to be in a relationship. After the fiasco with my friend, I put my heart on ice for a while, no one could touch it hence no one could hurt it. In this season, I promised God I would focus on him and not a man. I believe God taught me how to stand on my own that I was complete without a man, we are to complement and not complete. I'm not saying I totally got the message but I believe some seasons of singleness are ordained. Just like Esther, we are in preparation for the next phase of our lives. Sometimes, I think that God looked at mankind and asked how can I stretch these people, for them to be mature and selfless and then he invented marriage! Lol! So if that's the season you're in enjoy but keep learning. The learning don't all have to be spiritual, cooking is an essential. This has nothing to do with the 21st century or education, I tell ladies, I cook for myself because I like to eat good food, when I get married, my 'flatmate' will enjoy the benefits. See it as something you do for yourself, what about the kids what will they eat? I'm not that great in the kitchen but I try my best. Balancing accounts, multitasking the things we women do well.

  • Not knowing then what I know now

I'm beginning to realise that a lot of things people take for granted are not necessarily important. Some might not agree with me but these days I feel what is required are 1 committed man, 1 committed woman, source of income, roof over your heads. Sometimes we delay because we want a big wedding. Weddings are no easy feat, traditional and church. Men, it's not easy. We don't have to live in our dream home yet, we don't have to be living the dream yet, we just have to be ready to put each other first. I've seen so many couples start with nothing, well apart from love and grow leaps and bounds, growth they attribute to the support of their partner. This is my view, sometimes I feel like I just want us to get married. I've never been a big fan of big weddings or weddings even. Oh well, that's me, I'm sure family and friends have their own ideas, even Mr O but I sometimes wonder if some of this debt we get ourselves in is really worth it for those few hours! Also, he doesn't have to work in Goldman Sachs, if that's his dream, part of my job is making sure he achieves his potential.

Well, well, there might be more but for now, I'll leave it here, feel free to add your thoughts as comments, I want to go blog hopping for now.

Till later,



The- Damsel said...

nice post, really well written!. Some of the things you mentioned sound like something I read in a book by Michelle Mckinney Hammond..shes a great author, you should check out some of her books..

Myne Whitman said...

You really listed all the points and in a great nicely readable way too. I have nothing to add.

Myne Whitman said...

Hope to see you at my blog. The votes are on again.

Anonymous said...

insightful... yet again....

Hadassah said...

@The Damsel: Yes, I have some of her books. how are you doing?

@Myne: Allright, swinging over to your end to vote

@akaBagucci: Thank you so much

yankeenaijababe said...

Very articulate, love all the tips, everything. #1 is acceptance which you did, #2 is doing it. I know you will, this was a good post, really you are on the right track. I know that.

Curious said...

Very interesting read!! Great points.
I often hear "Put yourself out there" and i wonder what else a lady can do if she does her part to honor invites and such...?

So i have a question for you. You said "I've made up my mind to be more interesting, please do the same."

May i ask how you are doing/what you plan on doing to achieve that...being more interesting ie?

Love the name too :)

Hadassah said...

@YNB: Thanks for your comment, love your blog!

@Curious: Thanks for your comment, to make myself more interesting I plan to get out of my box by taking up new interests for example

Start or join a book club
Attend more young people events at church
Start hiking
Attend more literary events
Learn how to bake a!
Learn how to initiate conversations and make small talk when I'm amongst people I don't know well e.t.c but ONE THING AT A TIME

As for putting myself out there, well there's so much a girl can do, I accept invitations so I can interact with people, meeting someone will be the added benefit. The thing is we must meet somewhere, putting oneself out there just creates more opportunities for it to happen. Hope I have answered your question

Good Naija Girl said...

I'm so glad I literally stumbled across your blog and this particular entry because it spoke to me. I can't even list all that I've gotten out of this, suffice to say I appreciate it and I'll be taking the advice within to heart.

Hadassah said...

@GNG: Thanks for your comment, glad to know the article helped in some way

Andrea said...

Great post hadassah. How are you doing.

Andrea said...

Happy newyear hadasah...were have you been... miss your blogging..

Nicole Vs. Elocin said...

In your blogs you are very, open, honest and vulnerable. Im very yound but i spend a lot of time tinhking abot my future, who i will marry, date, what my house will ook like, how my career will be and so on, you really touched on a bunch of major points. Very inspirational!