I like you but not always what you do

Hi everyone

Happy New Year, welcome to 2010! I pray this will be a year of better things in the mighty name of Jesus. Wow, that was a long break! Never really thought that I would be gone for so long. So I'll continue with the twenty questions.

What annoys you the most about me? What do you enjoy the most about being with me?

Over the past few months, I'm slowly beginning to live out the knowledge about relationships I have been gathering over the years. Every book I have read, every conversation I have had always alludes to the same point, that no one is perfect, not me and not Mr O. I say it all the time but struggle to deal with the reality of what that means sometimes. I have really been working on deepening my relationship with the Lord, He is perfect because God always understands! Marriage is made up of an imperfect man and an imperfect woman who are committed to loving perfectly and bound by God's perfect love which makes them a three fold cord that is not easily broken.

One of the things I have learnt about my wonderful Mr O is that he is hesitant to talk about things he doesn't like about me, maybe I'm really that scary..lol! Over time, I'm beginning to learn more about non-verbal communication, that someone doesn't say something doesn't mean they haven't said anything. Hmm, Esther, what do you mean? Remember when you were out and playing the fool, Mama never had to say nothing, just a slight incline to the eye brow meant something, she could even be smiling but you knew that if the eyebrows went above a certain threshold, your behind was gonna be a bit sore before you went to bed!

If he likes something, he says it, so when he keeps quiet I can pretty much guess he doesn't like it. On one hand, I believe that strong relationships, no matter what type should be able to handle the TRUTH. There should be the freedom to say things your partner doesn't necessarily want to hear without any fear of repercussions for such expression. I'm learning to be careful about how I respond to criticism because I don't want him to feel that he can't say something because I'm going to blow off. I might get upset but maturity involves dealing with criticism by seeing it for what it is, learning from it or putting it aside and most importantly moving on.

The things I love about Mr O, I'm sure I must have mentioned in a previous post but well you can never say good things too much and I can always come back here to read it on those days when I get.....oh well!

Mr O is patient with me, he lets me hog the remote (as long as Prison Break is not on, lol!), He's not the type that sits in the living room while the Mrs slaves away in the kitchen and does all the household chores as well. One day I sent a message to Mr O's mum thanking her for the work she did in raising such a well mannered man because I know I am reaping a lot of benefits of her hard work. I enjoy being with him because when he is around I relax, I tend to worry a lot and just hearing him say It's ok or just something makes me put my mind at rest. Especially when I'm travelling, I tend to panic a bit, always checking to see I've got my ticket, passport and Mastercard! Lol! He always tries to make sure we go to the airport together and he stays until I go past security. Hmm, all this just makes me feel like giving him a big hug.

Mr O can make me laugh, we gossip a lot and there's this funny way his eyes go when we see some wierd stuff happening around us and we can't really make any comments about it there and then. I love the way he relates with my family, if you come to my home you'll think he's my mum's son which he is but you can't really tell who is the child or prospective in-law, this has always been important to me because marriage is about becoming one with your partner but realising as an independent unit you are also part of a bigger picture!

I love the way he encourages me when I am down, the way he remembers me in little things and tolerates my obsession with the colour brown. I enjoy being with him because he brings things to the table I have no idea about, I call him Mr Posh because he knows all these facts and all such things, how to sit, all etiquette do's and don'ts! Sometimes I just look at him and say wow!! I love the fact that he gives me the space to be who I am, to be an individual, yes we are a couple but sometimes we just need space to connect with God or with ourselves. Mr O is a generous person, he gives and not just to me. He's one of those people who find it hard to say no to people which I'm not entirely sure is a good thing because sometimes I think people do take advantage of the fact.

So well, what do I find annoying? Strange enough, like most women say. It's the little things, the little foxes that spoil the vine. It's those messages that don't get responded to, the feeling of being 'kept outside' of his life when he's facing challenges and bigger issues like budgeting or lack thereof, not taking the time to understand what I'm saying when it's something he doesn't really want to hear. In recent times I have made a decision to discuss and resolve issues as they arise. I was chatting with a friend recently and she said she attributes the success of her marriage to the ability of both her and her husband to say what needs to be said in love even when the other person is not going to be happy to hear it. That's a guideline I'll be willing to follow not only with Mr O but with my friends as well. A friend loves at all times the Bible says and sometimes that love involves telling the painful truth! Ok and if I'm honest a compliment on how I look when we're going out would be nice.

I'm sure there might be little annoying things I'll discover when we actually live together, maybe his low clutter threshold may make me roll my eyes every once in a while but better OCD than slob. I can't stand it when people just throw clothes all over the floor en route to the shower! However I trust that what holds us both together will always be more than whatever would try to separate us. I guess on average there are more things to enjoy than annoy. I love my boo.

I thought I would actually have more annoying things to write but I guess we've really got to a place of acceptance, we still have misunderstandings but not as often and rarely over the same issue twice. I believe we are growing and I pray this New year will be our very best year yet. I pray the same for you as well.

Till later, keep on living, loving and laughing..

Xoxo

Reasons why I am still single

Hi everyone

In an older post, I said that I would write a post with the above title. I actually thought of writing this as a letter a long time ago and sending it in the mail to anyone who asked me "What is happening?", "When are we coming?", "Are you still not married"..hmm, I intended to a bit sarcastic but have decided to do an honest evaluation and share my views. Mr O dislikes it when I say I'm single, he says the right term is 'in a relationship', I guess he is right but by saying single I mean unmarried which is the definition I'm using in this post.

So in no particular order here goes;

• Wasting time being good enough as a 'friend' but not wife material

Well, I can write an epistle on this. Yes, yes, I know we are encouraged to marry our best friend and it is true. Marriage is held together not so much by eros (passionate love) as it is by phileo (brotherly love) and agape (unconditional love). I had a very close male friend (DL) who I met when I was about 18, he is actually the only male friend I have had and known longer than Mr O. We were best friends, we would talk, he said I was his soul mate and vice versa. I was young when we met but I think there was a part of me that really felt he was the one for me. Even till date, he is one of the few people that I can say know me very well. For me, he was the one, anyone who stepped up to me couldn't match up to him so there was no point starting anything, we were soul mates weren't we? Imagine my elation when he told me that he had a crush on someone and he knew I would be very surprised, of course I was when it turned out to be a mutual friend! Lol! Strange enough, even after that I still thought he was the one for me, until he got engaged to someone else. I see some of my friends make this mistake, women we love but if a man has not expressly made his intentions clear, I believe we are still very 'available'. A friend of mine had this friend, she was everything and more. I asked her if she was sure there wasn't more to their friendship from her side and she even got annoyed but I didn't want her going to a place I had lived before because to me the guy was not interested in her like that. Anyway to cut a long story short, he introduced her to his fiancee and she had a major breakdown including hospitalisation. I might be wrong but I don't believe men marry the most available woman, the one who is always ready to do this and that, always there, they just marry who they want to marry! By this I'm not saying don't be a good female friends to the men in your life but examine your motives. If they're friends, let them be friends, don't dream, don't do the FLAMES game with their name. If they become more than friends, even better because you have the advantage of knowing them without best foot forward. This is a personal opinion but I always wonder when I see girls who have so many male friends and are single, meet my good friend Goke, my very good friend Uche, my ex Musa but if all these men are here why don't they see us as wife material? Yes, I know, we didn't see him that way and they don't see us that way but why is this?

• Wasted opportunities while waiting for Mr Perfect

For me, Mr Right was Mr Perfect, he had to be this, this, this. Not so much tall, dark and handsome as focused, purpose driven, some cash wouldn't be too bad. None of the characteristics I have written down are bad and are essential and desirable qualities in a mate but I think the issue I had was not separating the essential from the desirable. Like any vacancy, the advert asks for some essential skills in the person profile, this means if you don't have this, don't bother applying but there are some desirable skills as well, which means you don't need to have this now but we can train you when you get on board. I was really hung up on marrying a really 'spiritual' brother without really defining spiritual. Well, I dated someone who 'acted' spiritual but didn't 'live' spiritual. It's so funny that my Holy Ghost talking brother couldn't keep his hands to himself but Mr O can and does. Thank God for mentors! God opened my eyes, the man may not tick all the boxes, he may earn less than you do and might be two inches shorter than your ideal but if he ticks the desirable, I say give love a chance. People usually say God's time is the best, I read a blog where the author was talking about God's time and it's time, sometime while we are waiting for what we think is God's time, the time for a particular thing begins to wane. I consider myself an older single so I definitely do not mean any disrespect. God has a plan for us as individuals and I truly believe for some this includes what seems like delay in getting married especially when there are some lessons we need to learn as singles, however there comes a time in a woman's life when knocks on the door are not as frequent as when we were younger. For some, being of the same ethnic tribe is an ESSENTIAL, while I do understand, I do not agree. I have seen too many people write people off because of that one fact and cry to God asking for a mate what about if He has sent them already and you said no because they came in a package we did not expect!

• Not putting myself out there

Wow, this is getting interesting. By this I mean I wasn't going anywhere. We have to meet our prospective someone somewhere even if we are not going there with the intention of meeting a husband/wife. When I read wedding websites, I always go to the How we met story, whether it's an introduction by mutual friends or the matchmaker by fire crew, or at a party, in the choir, single's fellowship, book club, sat next to me on the plane and was so interesting to talk to, there is always that first meeting that blossoms into something else but what if I don't go there. I usually keep myself to myself and it's a good thing for I'm an introvert by nature but I'm learning to network. In this season of my life, I want to go out, talk to people, learn from people. This is not about adding random strangers as friends on facebook and going clubbing by fire every Friday night. It is not so much about going everywhere to looking for a significant other but opening ourselves to new opportunities. I've made up my mind to be more interesting, please do the same. In a book I read the author advised that single people should go on a date with the next person that asked (not random strangers o for safety's sake) even though on the surface they didn't tick all the boxes, it's about making friends. But we need to position ourselves.

• God's plan

I don't see being single as a disease for in a way we are all single whether we tick the married box or not. If someone slaps my face, I feel the pain and not my boo. However, I strongly believe that there was a season in my life where I was not supposed to be in a relationship. After the fiasco with my friend, I put my heart on ice for a while, no one could touch it hence no one could hurt it. In this season, I promised God I would focus on him and not a man. I believe God taught me how to stand on my own that I was complete without a man, we are to complement and not complete. I'm not saying I totally got the message but I believe some seasons of singleness are ordained. Just like Esther, we are in preparation for the next phase of our lives. Sometimes, I think that God looked at mankind and asked how can I stretch these people, for them to be mature and selfless and then he invented marriage! Lol! So if that's the season you're in enjoy but keep learning. The learning don't all have to be spiritual, cooking is an essential. This has nothing to do with the 21st century or education, I tell ladies, I cook for myself because I like to eat good food, when I get married, my 'flatmate' will enjoy the benefits. See it as something you do for yourself, what about the kids what will they eat? I'm not that great in the kitchen but I try my best. Balancing accounts, multitasking the things we women do well.

• Not knowing then what I know now

I'm beginning to realise that a lot of things people take for granted are not necessarily important. Some might not agree with me but these days I feel what is required are 1 committed man, 1 committed woman, source of income, roof over your heads. Sometimes we delay because we want a big wedding. Weddings are no easy feat, traditional and church. Men, it's not easy. We don't have to live in our dream home yet, we don't have to be living the dream yet, we just have to be ready to put each other first. I've seen so many couples start with nothing, well apart from love and grow leaps and bounds, growth they attribute to the support of their partner. This is my view, sometimes I feel like I just want us to get married. I've never been a big fan of big weddings or weddings even. Oh well, that's me, I'm sure family and friends have their own ideas, even Mr O but I sometimes wonder if some of this debt we get ourselves in is really worth it for those few hours! Also, he doesn't have to work in Goldman Sachs, if that's his dream, part of my job is making sure he achieves his potential.

Well, well, there might be more but for now, I'll leave it here, feel free to add your thoughts as comments, I want to go blog hopping for now.

Till later,

XoXo

It's getting hot in here!!

What are your thoughts on sexuality?

I don't know how many times I've started this post and scrapped it, dunno why that is! Most of the blogs on my blog list have at least one post dedicated to the subject. Recommended reading, if I might add. But this is my blog and I promised to be truthful, candid and open. So what are my thoughts on the issue of sex and sexuality...First of all, I must confess I had to look up the word sexuality in the dictionary because I was not really sure what it meant, lol!We haven't discussed sex in our pre-marital counselling classes yet and if truth be told I and Mr O haven't discussed it much either.

I believe sex is for marriage, I've heard so many arguments back and forth about pre-marital sex, virginity and purity. I'm a twenty seven year old female who has never had sex before, I don't believe this makes me a saint but it is a choice I made because it is in congruence to my values. For me, the emphasis has been on purity and not virginity. I read a book titled 'Kissed the girls and made them cry' by Lisa Bevere when I was about 18 and her argument was so compelling that I made a decision to keep myself pure. When I hear people ask the question how far is too far, I say I don't know because really I don't, I don't focus so much on what we can't do but I ask myself the question, What would Jesus do if he was in the room with both of us because the truth is that God is with me all the time, I just act accordingly.

I will admit that I am mainly prudish, as in when sex is mentioned I might start blushing or giggle like a silly school girl! However, as I have been preparing myself and getting myself educated I've lost quite a few of my inhibitions. Although we never really discussed boundaries, I believe I and Mr O are on the same page, we haven't had any issues or arguments about the physical area of our relationship and both agree no sex before marriage. I recently realised that we are both shy people and we could be so naive when dealing with the opposite sex, I'm not sure either of us would recognise a come on except it was pasted in neon signs! It's not an easy decision to keep yourself pure, after all we are human beings and physical attraction is a big part of any relationship. It takes God's help and learning to say no to something you would really like to say yes to.

I believe sex is an act to be enjoyed in marriage, between a husband and a wife (sorry no trios or swinging!). These days I hear a lot of men and women comment that they would like their prospective husband and wife to be experienced in the bedroom before marriage but I beg to differ. I have no one to compare Mr O to and even if I did, I'm not sure it would be fair. I look forward to having sex but I don't put myself under any undue pressure. I feel we have a lifetime to learn not so much about sex, technically it's quite easy, but about what he wants and likes, what I want and like. Sex is just like marriage as a whole, not so much about you as it is the other person. It's also about being patient and understanding, love is in growing together and that includes the bedroom too. Honesty is important as well as the willingness not to be over sensitive but with a foundation of trust, I believe everything should be allright, we should prepare ourselves by getting informed, there are good books and thankfully great blogs as well but not being pre-occupied with it.

I know variety is the spice of life and know I have to make room for items from Ms Victoria, La Senza and the like, I'm not so sure of the hard core stuff, whips, chains and the like. Ha! Sex is a good thing but I've kept that bit of my life in God's hands until the day I say I do. Check out the reading list for more information but if you're single whether male or female, please don't feel pressured to do what you don't want to do. I believe a partner that respects you will respect your boundaries as well and whoever that person is exists, so don't worry too much about it.

Till later

XoXo

Just laugh..

Hi everyone

I would like to say a very big thank you to y'all for your lovely comments. I was privileged to have a conversation with one of the readers off-camera. Missy, thank you so much. I've taken ALL you said on board! The truth is I'm fine, he's fine but we have some issues to deal with and as Ms. Whitman says we will come out stronger.

I got this in my mail today and it made me smile, hope it does the same for you.

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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except forMethuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.


One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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As a Sunday School teacher, this brought tears to my eyes! Just a reminder that even though sometimes we go through difficult times, we can choose what our response can be. Sometimes throw your hands up in the air and just laugh even if you think you're crazy, laugh because you can! I just did!

On days like this

On days like this

It hurts to have you around

It hurts to have you far away

It hurts to speak to you

It hurts to keep quiet

It hurts to say the truth

It hurts to tell lies

It hurts to hold on

It hurts even more to give up

It hurts to do what is right

It hurts to do wrong

Everything just hurts

Today I have been musing on the storms of life and how they come to reveal things for what they really are. If I say I have a strong foundation, the storm will prove the veracity of my words. As a couple I and Mr O have faced, face and will continue to face different storms but our survival will continually depend on what we build our relationship with. I think good has come from facing crisis, I know what he does when he faces the challenges of life but the question I repeatedly ask myself these days is whether I can sign on to a forever of the man he is today or if I secretly wish that he will change in some areas. I recently made a promise to myself to always be honest at least to myself. I hear a voice tell me that love covers a multitude of sins, I don't want to listen to that voice for I recognise the source, at least not today but I have to don't I. Thank you Lord.

This is just to encourage anyone reading that sometimes relationships hit rough patches, before you get married and I guess after as well. Just as I don't believe in the 'D' word (divorce) i'm always hesitant to use the 'B' word (break-up) but before you do accurately assess what you are signing up for. It's one thing to know that imperfections exist yet another to wake up to those imperfections each morning. I'm at a low point but I think I just need to sit with my Daddy for a while on this one. Should be back soon, just wanted to share there are days like this...

Look, there's more of us..

Do you have children or other children outside marriage?
How do you feel about having children?
How do you feel about disciplining children?

Hi people,

Firstly, I would like to say a very BIG THANK you to everyone who takes the time to read and leave a comment, your contributions are greatly valued, please keep them coming. So today, I'm tackling 3 questions in 1 as they all pertain to the subject of children.

First question, answer is NO, I don't have children. Hmm, how do I feel about children? I would definitely love to have kids. One of the purposes of marriage is for procreation, I said one, I don't believe it is the main purpose. I believe a marriage can be complete without children as long as that has been agreed before hand by both partners prior to saying I do. As an African girl, I know the importance placed on having children by our parents but the purpose of increasing your family is not to make our parents happy and satisfy in-laws but because husband and wife are ready spiritually, mentally, emotionally and financially. Becoming a parent is almost like preparing for marriage, I think it even requires more preparation because even though you can divorce a spouse (not recommended) you can't divorce your kids, they have your DNA!

I and Mr O have discussed this although not in too much detail, we both would love to have kids, 2, not so particular on sex of the kids but I know he really wants a girl, he already has her name picked out and all! Lol! One day, I asked him what if we had a boy first and he just looked at me as if How can?? God, please answer his prayers o. Personally, I would prefer to have boys but at the end of the day, a child is a miracle sent by God and I accept whoever he sends. I want to be a mother, some days more than others but I know for me definitely I would like to expand our family. Our plan is to have some 'us' time before the kids come, so we can settle in on 'knowing' each other before our lives change forever.

Make no mistake, having a child changes your life forever, I'm not a mother but I've been privileged to see friends and family have children and with their kids and the truth is that it really becomes about them. My friend says to enjoy my life before the kids come because...yes, it's fun and all but every time you see a baby looking and smelling sweet and nice and you coo and hum, say thank you to the sometimes tired mum and dad for doing such a great job. For me, any opportunity to take care of kids, I grab because I know I've picked up quite a number of tips along the way. Parenthood calls for total loss of self and it's all about the babies, I think I'm ready.

When it comes to babies, I always have this bittersweet feeling because a few years ago I was diagnosed with a condition that can sometimes affect fertility but that is the subject for another post and will discuss it later. However, I must note that I think it's important to discuss any health issues you have THAT MAY AFFECT YOUR PARTNER, I'm not saying dredge every single issue from your past but anything that may affect them. You will spend the rest of your life with this person so do share, this was part of our pre-marital counselling questionnaire but we'd discussed it already.

On the issue of discipline, I've been reading some books on parenting and I've come to realise while there are no specific rules on what methods to use, children need to be disciplined. The Bible says we should train a child in the way they should go so when they are old they will not depart from it. That's a big responsibility for indeed how do we instill discipline when we ourselves sometimes need discipline ourselves! However, I believe we should discuss on how discipline and punishment should be carried out. We haven't discusses this yet and I'm intrigued to know what his thoughts are. I believe in corporal punishment as long as it's not too generous that it loses it's effectiveness but this is me talking as a single girl. I haven't pushed, maybe I'll change my mind then! Lol! Anyway we have two wonderful mothers and mentors who can give us advise.

Since we both do not have children, I don't really have a lot of comments on that. I'm not sure I'm cut for the complexities of a blended family, relationship e.t.c. Don't get me wrong, there's no problem with it, it's not just something I envisioned for my life. But not telling your partner that you have kids when you've started talking marriage is a big no no because it's a big issue, those children will be a BIG part of your lives as a family.

I'm really enjoying answering these questions, they make for interesting conversation, not because we end up coming with the same answers but we realise what the other person's thoughts on the issue are and not assume some things. So I'm embracing this season of no diapers and night feeding but looking forward to when she says Mama!

Till later

Xoxo

And then there were others..

What role do you see your parents, siblings and extended family playing in your relationship?

I asked my sister to choose a number from 1-20 and she chose 13 so today I'll talk about the role of the extended family in a relationship. I'm beginning to realise that being in love with someone is more than being in love with someone. I'll explain, I love Mr O, because I love him as a person (one person) I have to accept and love ALL that he is. His strengths, his weaknesses, his mistakes, his friends, his family, his assets and liabilities, his past. I cannot say yes to him and begin to pick and choose what I want and what I don't. Truthfully, I find this sometimes scary because I wonder if I'm really up to the task but well....

I come from a close knit nuclear family, I don't have close relationships with my uncles/aunts on either parents side. Long story for another day. I love my family, I really love my family sometimes too much I think if that's possible. I won't lie and say we've always gotten along, we've had our share of rough days but I know that they are there for me when push comes to shove. However, when it comes to marriage, my prayer is that we all continue to grow in love. In marriage a man must leave and cleave and become one. I say man because the Bible emphasises men, maybe He knew that it wouldn't be easy for them, the Bible also says a woman's desire would be for her husband. When we get married, my father remains my father but I am submitted to my husband's authority, I become Mrs O. I pray that I not only write it but my actions shall show it as well. My mum had a terrible time with my father's family and I have prayed this will never be the case for me as this gave me a very poor image of marriage growing up. I don't like stress but I've trusted God that I'm just increasing my family, a new dad, mum, brother and cousins.

My mum is one of my best friends, Pastor O advised us in our counselling class never to discuss conflicts within our marriage to either set of parents, a mentor or pastor is preferable. This is because you are in love with your partner, they are in love with you their child, when you forgive your partner, things might still remain frosty between him and them so I know I will need to work on balancing that relationship out and not call mummy every time Mr O does this or that though if the truth be told I usually wonder whose mum she is, his or mine, I think she just tries to be fair! I expect my family to respect Mr O as the head of our home, as my husband and life partner, I expect the same from him to my family as the ones who nurtured and reared me to become the woman I am today. I expect to respect his parents and have his family respect me as well. Africans say you marry a family and not an individual, it is true in some respects but please keep them out of the bedroom! Lol! I mean keep the private things private, anything to do with family should be discussed by both of us and then implemented. I see the role of parents, siblings and extended family as they being there to give love, advice and respect.

One of Mr O's closest cousins rubs me off the wrong way, I think it's because we see life so differently but what we have in common is our love for Mr O, we may never be friends but I pray to God for the grace to accept her and love her all the same as I have been commanded to by Him. After the wedding, it's God, Mr O, family, career/ministry (in that order) and I expect it to be the same from his end. Parents advice gratefully needed and acknowledged but please do not be offended if we have a different opinion. No discussing issues with parents without other partner's knowledge, do to partner's family as you would like partner to do to your family. I pray and ask God for the grace for my new family to accept me but I'm not going to live my life either fighting them or killing myself to gain their favour. I'm just going to be the best me that God created.


So far so good, we haven't had any big issues on either side so far but then the families haven't really interacted that much. Mr O is closer to my family than I am to his but I'm just letting things flow naturally, I don't like doing things simply because it's expected of me but because it's right and I enjoy doing it. So I'll keep praying. I want to have a great relationship with my in-laws or in-loves as I prefer to call them, I don't want my children deprived of relationships with their cousins/aunts/uncle because of petty fights and quarrels. Father, help me.

So the role of our parents and family are to continue to give us the unconditional love that has nurtured us into the people we have become today. They are there to celebrate with us, cry with us, bless us, be blessed by us, being there through all the seasons of our lives.

Till later

Xoxo

Learning from the past

What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?

To make things interesting, I've decided not to answer the questions in chronological order but just as it comes. Some are very easy, requiring a simple yes/no. I've been pondering on whether I'm going to put up the answers to all twenty questions, if I do it will be a significant breakthrough but today I'm going to talk about the lessons I have learnt from the past.

Hmm, I'm 'unique' in a way that my last major relationship was my only other relationship whether major or minor! Unique because I'm in my late twenties and even my twenty one year old sister has had more boyfriends than I have! There are quite a number of reasons why things happened that way and maybe I will share these in a future post, I've always wanted to write a post titled 'Why I am still single'! Lol! One of these was that from an early age, I had a strong conviction that relationships were designed to ultimately end in marriage, so there was no point having a boyfriend just for the sake of it but the relationship should have a purpose and as I was not ready to get married, I just didn't put myself out there.

I met AN through a mutual friend, though I didn't know it was a set up at the time. Strangely enough, I had recently turned down the friend who was doing the setting up so I thought it was quite interesting that he was fixing me up with a friend of his. I should have known something was up as he was so insistent on his 'friend' dropping me home after an outing but I can be simple like that, anyway we met and had a very interesting conversation. That was a good thing about the relationship, we were on the same page on quite a number of issues. We talked about God and faith, finance and a host of things, honestly it had been a while that I had been able to connect intellectually on that level with someone for a long time, I had my longest phone conversations with AN, talking all night about everything and nothing. I even shared my list (prayer points for husband to be) with him which was a first. I was attracted to his sense of purpose and vision, his relationship with God and his commitment to his church, he was a deacon in his church and I must say this made me really relax because I'd always prayed that my husband would be more spiritually mature than me. After most conversations, we would pray, that was a first for me!

So what happened, if he was all that and a bag of chips, why and how did it end? I would love to say he did this or he did that e.t.c. but the truth is that it takes two people to tango. Relationships start with two people and end with two people. One of the things I learnt about myself in that relationship was that under my 'nice' and 'beautiful' persona was a very stubborn girl. Now, not all stubbornness is bad but sometimes in life, we need to choose our battles carefully for we may win the battle and lose the war. I know God is working in my life and making me a more mature woman today than I was then. I felt that I wasn't good enough as myself, that he had this image of what a pastor's wife should be and while I did have some of the qualities, he was determined to mold me into that image. Now while I am very conservative, I do not like to be bound to tradition, I don't do things because it's the way it's always been done, I do it because it's the most effective way. I felt we were rushing a lot, also I was uncomfortable with the pace the physical aspects of the relationship was progressing without any corresponding depth emotionally or spiritually. I thought it would be easy as a church leader to get him to understand the reason for some of my boundaries but he felt I was being too difficult and selfish.

We began to argue about everything, we both come from large families, he said he would like to have five children, I said two. Not a big deal yeah, but it was at least to him. I've never seen myself having more than two biological children but I never knew it could raise so many issues. Then the rush, rush, rush, he wanted to get married within a year of our meeting but something in me wanted to still take things slower and get to know him better. I had no peace about the relationship, we saw each other but we weren't really a part of each other's lives, I never met his friends, he never met mine, our outings were usually one on one. I think it's important to see how your nearest and dearest interact with your nearest and dearest if you get what I mean. Love is a beautiful thing but can also make you near-sighted, your friends and family can usually see what you cannot and while they love you, they are not in love and if they are true they will tell you the truth.

After some time of prayer, I had a conversation with him and explained that I felt rushed, I didn't feel our relationship had got to the point where we should be planning a wedding and could we slow down and be friends (at least that's what I meant) but his response was that if we weren't dating there was no point having a relationship as in being friends, he wasn't looking for a 'friend' and that was it. I will confess, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was all over because I was beginning to feel trapped. I did send the occasional text on his birthday and Father's day (i send a text to all my male friends, single or married because they are all either dad's or prospective dads) but don't anymore. I guess if he was writing this post he would be able to give a more balanced picture but it ended because I think we were both different in some areas where we should be similar. There are some conversations you should have before even thinking about how your name sounds with his surname! We even had an argument about grandparents having pet names for the grandchildren, to me no big deal, to him, he names his children and that's that. It's not the end of the world but you should know what the deal is before you say I do.

So while he was kind and could be really tender, he wrote me some touching texts, I now know he wasn't for me, at least not the me I was then. Maybe still not the me I am now. I don't know, in relationships, flexibility is required, it can't always be my way or the high way because one day your partner will hit the road and Jack won't come back no more because Delilah has made life very comfortable for him. I know I grew from this relationship, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I know this because the issues I had with AN didn't even reach 1/100000 of what I and Mr O have seen and had and yet I am still here. Mr O always says for better, for worse. I tell him that's when you take the vows but he says no, it's from now.

I don't believe in kissing many frogs until you find your prince, your lips just end up froggy but taking your time, making the most of opportunities and really assessing because sometimes there is a prince/princess in a frog and it takes you to bring him/her out. Relationships are hard work, not for the immature at all. We've all made mistakes, done things we aren't proud of but learn from them, grow from them and keep moving. Opposites attract but never underestimate the power of being on the same page on fundamental issues. Will tackle some of the yes/no questions in next post.

Till later,

XoXo

Expectations..

I've been pondering on the 20 questions in the previous post and thinking about what my answers to those questions would be. I just heard Dr Phil say that one of the greatest obstacles in marriage is when both partners have unmet expectations. So I guess the question 'What do you expect' isn't so out of place?


Our expectations come from different sources, it could be what was modelled to us at home by our parents, it could be what we feel society expects of us or for some of us what we read in some novels. So what do I expect?

• I expect him to be spiritually, physically and emotionally available to commit to a relationship with me

• I expect him to be committed to developing our relationship to a place where we become best friends, sharing with each other and being there for each other

• I expect him to remain committed to developing his relationship with Christ because where we are not perfect, God gives us the grace and strength to do what we cannot do of ourselves

• I expect him to be honest with me at all times, to tell me how it is even though it isn't what I necessarily what to hear

• I expect him to be the king, the man, the head of our home, the provider, priest, prophet and protector, to lead and not dominate

• I expect him to continue to dream big, be a man of vision and be willing to make the sacrifices necessary today for us to have a greater future

• On a lighter note, I expect that Mr O will be able to work a microwave, the oven and the washing machine (don't worry I intend to do most of the cooking, I like my life o!!lol)

• I also expect that although his decision is final, major decisions should be discussed between us, things like where we live and worship, career changes, children's' education and discipline and I reserve the right to make my objections known

• I expect him to be faithful to his vows to love and honour me above all else, so I don't expect there will be any other Mrs O (or sleeping partners) apart from me as long as we remain married

• I expect him to have a source of income whether from a job or a business, preferably both

• I expect him to be a present and effective father, loving and providing his presence to his kids.
  
• I expect him to give his 100% to our relationship
• Most importantly, I expect that on some days you won't meet my expectations of you because you are human after all

I believe this is a post that will continuously need refining as I go along but that covers most of it really. An important note, I don't expect him to be PERFECT, that's not what this is about but about realistically thinking through what I expect.

There are some other smaller things that may come up as when we live together, for example I don't expect him to balance the books or sort out our accounts, I expect us to bring together our skills, him doing what he does best (for example, he does a great stir fry BTW). I don't expect him to always take out the trash or change the light bulbs but I do expect him to pitch in with night feeds. I expect us to be a great team, working together, not competing against each other.

Well, that's long but I found this an interesting exercise. It's worth thinking about, don't you think?..

Till later

Xoxo

20 questions to ask before you get engaged..

These questions were 'lifted' from T.D Jakes' book, Before you do. It's a great book with advice applicable to all types of relationships not just romantic ones, a lot of times when reading, I had to stop and hmmmmm...sometimes out loud!!Lol! The premise for this book is on tools you need to prepare yourself before you say "I DO" because sometimes people say those two important words not really knowing and understanding what they are committing to. So here they are;

1. What do you expect?
2. What are your most prized possessions?
3. Where do you stand on faith?
4. What was your last major relationship like? How did it end?
5. What are your ideas about sexuality?
6. Do you know your HIV/AIDS status?
7. What are the secrets that you keep? Will you trust me to keep them too?
8. Have you ever been arrested and do you have a criminal record?
9. Do you have children or other children outside marriage?
10.How do you feel about having children?
11. How do you feel about disciplining children?
12. What are the roles of husband and wife for you?
13. What role do you see your parents, siblings and extended family playing in your relationship?
14. How do you handle disagreements and disappointments?
15. What is your vision for this family? Where would you like us to be in ten or twenty years?
16.How satisfied are you with your present career?
17. What is your debt-to-income ratio?
18. Is there any need or desire for a prenuptial agreement?
19. Do you have a will or a living will and can we talk about it?
20.What annoys you the most about me? What do you enjoy the most about being with me?

Wow, that's exhaustive but I'm sure you're not expected to ask all these on one date, also some things I think you don't need to ask, you see it in your partners behaviour. I guess I and Mr O have some new pointers for upcoming discussions. Lol, just thought to share but do get the book!

Don't worry, I'll share our discussions if Mr O permits. So get talking, listening and understanding.

Till later

Xoxo

Theory vs. practical

Hi

Thanks for reading today, I hope and pray you are blessed. I'm becoming more aware each day of how much work relationships and marriage need. Yes, it's fun and it's wonderful to have someone to love and who loves you in return but on some days......hmm.

Writing about relationship do's and don'ts, even giving advice is so easy but when it comes to the crunch of living it out, it AINT easy at all. I'm honest enough to admit that I do lose the plot every so often but I thank God for His grace and also for a man who while not being perfect embodies the word COMMITMENT. The counselling classes are bringing up issues to the surface and I guess I've allowed it to faze me a bit but I'm now really learning what it means to walk the talk. Theory vs. practical, I'm learning so I must be doing. According to Maya Angelou (PhD) when you know better, you should do better.

So there we were seated in Pastor D's office talking about barriers to effective communication. Before we got in, I was a bit miffed because he didn't actually do the assignment, we were supposed to work on it together and I felt that he didn't put any effort in because he knew I was going to do it. Mr O then asked an interesting question about our pastor's thoughts on separate bedrooms for husband and wife...I was like hmmm, and then he rushed to clarify that it wasn't about sleeping arrangements but just for; hope I'm repeating this verbatim.."her luggage" and then he mentioned something to do with liking having his things being kept in order.

I don't know if it was not just a great day or the way he said it, or the way I heard it but I was really UPSET! Ha ha ha, the devil is a mean 'ole son of a gun! What I heard was, "Pastor, is it ok for her to have a separate bedroom for her things because she is messy"! Please don't get me wrong, it wasn't what he said that got me a lil' riled but the fact that he had NEVER brought this up with me before. It made me wonder whether there were some other things that I did that he didn't like and why he felt he couldn't bring them up. Pastor D said it wasn't an issue but partners should learn how to be accommodating of their spouses. Personally, I think Mr O has a bit of an OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) when it comes to living arrangements, I'm sure I've mentioned that before while for me cleanliness and not necessarily having all boxes on a straight line is more important.

I plead guilty I disobeyed most of the rules in the previous post, I made assumptions about what he was saying, I went into my silent monosyllable mode, I thought, thought, thought, instead of talk, talk, talk. I let the sun go down and I was angry. I refused to admit to myself that I was angry. However, I came back and read everything I'd written down and began to practicalise them. We discussed it, my issue was not about separate rooms but an inability to raise 'tough' issues, we haven't still totally dealt with that but it's ok. He was also upset about a recent decision I had made and I tried to explain the WHY behind it, I don't think we came to an agreement about it but it's still ok.

I learnt that anyone can fight but it takes maturity to fight FAIR. Also, always be sure that not only do you listen to what your partner is saying make sure you UNDERSTAND what they're saying, ask questions. The closer you are to marriage, the less there should be 'no-go' areas and remember to PRAY. Talk to God, I've realised the more I talk to HIM about him, the more HE talks to me about ME! When people don't understand, God does and He will make a way. Also after a recent conversation with a friend, be careful when 'interfering' in the relationships of others, remember 'Chinese whispers', by the time one partner comes to you some of the information could have changed. Communication is speaking, listening and UNDERSTANDING and remember it's one thing to know the right thing to do and actually going out and doing it.

I've been challenged by Favoured Girl's post on respect and I'm still musing on that. I'm praying and asking God to help us work on the cracks that are present in our communication, it's not so much about talking more but creating an environment where such communication can take place. I'm currently reading 'Before you do' by T.D Jakes and my next post will be on some questions you should pose to your intended before you even get engaged.

Till later, keep learning, loving and living

Xoxo

Barriers to Effective Communication

Our next counselling session is on the 10th of September, just wanted to pen a few thoughts on the topic given to us to work on before consulting Mr O. Communication, sex and money are three very important pillars in marital relationships, I always put communication first on the list because I think success in the other two areas depend on having effective communication with your partner.

Communication involves SPEAKING, LISTENING and UNDERSTANDING. If there are any issues in or with any of these areas then we get a breakdown in communication. A pastor told me that the most important point to remember was to 'always keep the lines of communication open'. So what are the barriers;

• Resentment and anger; the Bible says we should be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to get angry. The truth is I can be the exact opposite, I get angry quite quickly (Help me Holy Spirit) when I'm angry, I don't really want to talk to Mr O so this affects the speaking part but if we are not speaking this delays us from working at conflict resolution. I'm learning not to discuss important issues at the height of emotion i.e when I'm really upset or when I'm really happy.

• Pride (thanks Aunty Y), pride is a posture that says I'm right, I'm always right and even when I'm wrong, I'm right....hmm I wish I could say I've got this in check as well. Well, we are all a work in progress. Pride also prevents one from asking forgiveness when it is needed.

• Wrong timing; Saying the right thing at the wrong time could end up blowing in your face, I've been there, done that and have the T-shirt to show for it. I personally believe that because women tend to more intuitive, we see things coming and are always so eager to let the man in our life know but I am asking God for the grace to know when to speak and when to keep quiet. I mentioned about not discussing important issues at the height of emotion either happy or sad; this is because sometimes there are some things that just have to be said and I tend to not want to 'rock the boat' if I feel we are in a good place but I see Mr O as my best friend which means that I need to love him enough to give my 2 cents even when I know it may hurt him. I've learnt that it's not always so much WHAT is said as it is HOW it is said. Tough words given in an atmosphere of love and acceptance are usually easier to swallow, the Bible says 'better are wounds from a friend'

• Personality types: I believe that there are 4 main temperaments as described by Tim Lahaye, I'm basically a melancholic type which means I just retreat within myself and go into my monosyllable mode..yes, no, ok..Lol! This isn't a good thing because inwardly I'm seething and resentment is building, on the other hand Mr O isn't good at bringing up things for discussion, he has a more phlegmatic approach to life, with the day to day things well he can talk but for the more weighty issues he prefers to contribute his own two cents when I've raised it. I'm still not so sure this is a good thing but the whole thing about understanding personality types is knowing that we can have a Spirit controlled temperament whereby we can choose to behave in a way which we would normally not for example instead of going into my Yes vs. No mood I can remind myself that the word of God says that anger resides in the bosom of a fool and let go of it and discuss how I'm really feeling, easier said than done!

• Unresolved issues: The Bible says not to let the sun go down on our anger, to that I add if I could, to not allow too many suns go down without coming to a resolution on matters. By resolution, I don't believe we have to agree but we can agree to disagree. I and Mr O have very different opinions when it comes to weddings, rather than allowing it to be an unresolved issue, I have chosen to agree to disagree with him. When the time comes, hopefully we will come to a Win-Win agreement.

• Distractions: This is so important, I guess it ties in with right timing, I don't like it when I'm discussing something important and Mr O is not paying attention especially when it's over the phone. I'm also learning to give my total attention when my friends are speaking to me. I think it's a sign of respect.

This post was difficult to write because now I don't really have the excuse of ignorance to hide behind as I know what some of the barriers to effective communication are. I don't want to be a writer and not a doer, so what are the solutions..

• Prayer: There is nothing like it and I wouldn't leave the house without it. Prayer changes situations and people but the most interesting thing I've found is that the more I pray, the more GOD changes ME. Prayer gives me the grace and strength to do things I didn't think I was capable of.
• Staying in the word of God: The Bible is full of practical wisdom that can be applied to our lives. Solomon tells us in Proverbs that it is better to be on the roof than share a house with a nagging wife (ouch!), also isn't it interesting that Esther presented her case to the king after she had fed him (lol!), also we are reminded to love one another and be kind to one another. Jesus sometimes had strong words for his disciples..I recall him calling them dull!! but I'm sure they knew He loved them.
• Take the responsibility: Use I more often than you, I feel that as opposed to "You do this", while this doesn't mean my partner is right, I am acknowledging that I still have a role to play while making him understanding how his behaviour is having an effect on me
• Keep the lines of communication clear and open at all times: No more silent treatment, no more malice. Hmm, I confess that sometimes I do wait for him to be the first to say sorry but that's less often now than it was before so things are changing. One thing I've realised also is that 80% of the time when I'm busy rolling my eyes at the phone, he's not even aware that something is wrong! Lol!
• Seek more to understand than to be understood; This is one of the habits of Highly Effective People from Stephen Covey, this will involve the higher way of listening and understanding more than speaking. Try and understand where your partner is coming from. After meeting Dr O (Mr O's dad) I learnt a lot about why he behaved the way he did sometimes and it helped me understand where he was coming from on a lot of issues, never underestimate the role your upbringing plays on molding the person you are today! Understanding brings about tolerance.

Ok, this assignment feels more like a punishment, why isn't the right thing to do always the easiest thing, love is a spiritual thing, you can't really succeed from the natural level alone. I think I need to meditate on these words. I'll let you know how it all went.

Till later

XoXo

Roles of the husband and wife

Hi,

I've just returned from a counselling session, honestly these sessions have been so good for us. Every time I want to start acting funny, just remembering that I have to see Pastor D just puts me in check! Lol! One thing I've learnt especially this week is that when people say marriage is not for babies, it's just the gospel truth. It's easy to write about relationships, the do's and dont's but it's very difficult to live it out practically.

Pastor D gave us an assignment to write our thoughts on what our roles as husband and wife in marriage are. Trust Ms. Hadassah the writer, I went with my 1.25 pages and my darling went there with 7 sentences! We are different, we are different, we are different!

My main points were that the role of a wife was to;

• Be a submissive follower (see post on submission!)
• Help her husband by partnering with him to move towards the vision God has created them for
• Satisfy her husband's needs, spiritually, emotionally and physically
• Build her home by creating an atmosphere of peace and joy for her family and being a good steward of the resources entrusted in her care

My sweetheart has graciously given me permission to put his points on my blog (even though he doesn't know where it exists on the www) and these are;

• To love and care for my wife unconditionally.
• To provide a comfortable accommodation/shelter for my wife.
• To protect her and ensure her continuous happiness.
• To be a friend, partner and a good listener.
• To satisfy her every need (emotionally, materially and sexually).
• To always remain faithful and honest to my wife.

He then asked both of us to identify what areas would be challenging to us in effectively carrying out these roles; for me I know that submission will be an area of ongoing transformation because if truth be told, it takes a great degree of trust and dying to self to be submitted to anyone even to God. With regard to our roles in marriage, Pastor D told us to remember that husbands and wives while married to each other should see their function as all unto God.

Husbands should love their wives like Christ loves the church, wives should submit to their husbands as unto the Lord..so regardless of who your spouse is or what they do, your responsibility is to stay in your role as unto the Lord. Sometimes, I feel like marriage is one of God's ways of teaching us how to really be like him! Anyway, in this way, we should both be committed to giving 100% irrespective of what the other person brings to the table. Now, that's a tall order but I guess that's why the Word says with God all things are possible.

Pastor explained to us that most people come into marriage with their own pre-conceived notions of what their roles in marriage should be. These could come from family or cultural background or previous experiences. Conflicts arise where there is no balance in the expectations both partners have. So we should go back to what the word of God says and use that as the pattern and model.

For husbands, their role can be summed up in the 4 P's, Provider, Protector, Priest and Prophet.

Provider: Financially, physically,

Protector: Being the authority in home, emotionally and physically, protect your wife from your family members by covering her weaknesses and emphasising her strengths (and vice versa for wives)

Priest: Spiritual head, should set guidance and leadership for praise, worship and prayer. No staying at home while wife and kids go to church

Prophet: Setting the vision for the home, a clear sense of direction and it is important to have a general idea of where a man is going before you agree to marry him just in case you're not interested in his destination.

So what about me..

The role of the wife is to support her husband, to be in sync with the vision of the family, this does not limit your ability as a woman to achieve your goals, remembering the Proverbs 31 woman.

Our next assignment is on the barriers to effective communication and how to overcome them, this we have to work on together...well we'll see!

Till later

Xoxo

We are different..

We are different
We are different
We are different
We are different..

Don't worry, Ms Hadassah hasn't lost her marbles...yet!! I just thought that if I could recite those three words long enough they will actually stick in my head and in my heart. Thank God that love is a journey, you can make mistakes, apologise, reflect on behaviour and change.

We had another session today, we were supposed to do a personality type test but unfortunately Pastor D could not find the forms! He asked us to state things that we liked and also what we didn't like about our partners. I said my usual things about why I love him or the reasons I want to marry him. I think it's good practice to rehearse or think about those reasons ever so often because it's so easy (or maybe it's just me) to focus on the one (or few) things people don't do well as opposed to the 101 things they do to make us happy!

I love him because he is kind, he listens, he is trustworthy, he is a great friend and more, he irons!!lol!, he's funny, he is respectful, he is posh, he encourages me and believes in me, he trusts me (sometimes too much I think), he knows me and he loves me. When I look around at some of my friends and acquaintances, I know I am blessed. Funny I just realised that he's everything that I'm not and also everything that I am as well, I wish I could explain it. Pastor D said that although opposites attract (differences) it's our similarities that keep us together, we should never allow our differences to pull us apart, rather we should work with our strengths using that to compensate for our weaknesses.

When Mr O faces some sort of issue, he prefers to draw 'into his zone', this could range anything from a few days to about 2 weeks, I've always found it difficult not because I believe people don't need space but I have a personality type that always needs to be in touch to be reassured (of what??). During these 'cave moments' there is usually no form of communication and sometimes I find it really annoying! It's funny how writing the thoughts in my head takes out their power and gives me a new perspective of things. I'm learning how to accommodate that zoning out, it has nothing to do with me, I don't like it but I can live with it.

Pastor D left us with 4 thoughts;

• You can't change anyone no matter how hard you try. You can let your thoughts about things be known to the other party but the onus is on them to realise and to change. You can pray for the other person but it's up to them to change
• Acceptance is very important in a relationship, people come 'as is', you can't take the good parts and leave the not so savoury ones. People rise to your expectations much quicker in an environment that says I love you and accept for who you are. Even if the grass is greener on the other side, they are working to keep it that way
• Emphasise strengths and not weaknesses, work together
• No matter what personality type or temperament you have, as a believer your aim is to be more like Christ, so even though naturally you might not be predisposed to do things in a certain way, ask for God's help to make you be the best for your partner even though you might need to be stretched!

Well as I always say, we keep learning. I was having my quiet time this morning wishing I could stuff my ears with cotton wool to prevent hearing what God was telling me. Basically, I need to grow up!

I have an assignment for the next session, we have to write an essay on our roles in marriage, the role of a wife...I'm sure I have something about that in this blog so I guess I'll just edit that. Today Mr O said I am like a First Lady, elegant, beautiful, intelligent..I thought my head would burst! So if you're reading these pages, I hope it's been a blessing. In relationships, there is a time to bow out but I think that sometimes we give up too soon. Don't give up! Work at it, it calls you to walk on a higher path, a narrower road but it is well worth it.

Hugs and kisses

XoXo

We are different

We are different

We are different...(lol)

Questions, questions, questions!

Wow, today was really interesting. So we got there and we introduced ourselves to Pastor D, he asked us how long we had been in the relationship for and what our plans were. He also told us that we would be having about eight to ten sessions with him and would be covering a lot of areas like the role of husband and wife, finance, communication, sex e.t.c and to prepare ourselves for FULL DISCLOSURE so we shouldn't be surprised when some certain things came up. He asked if we had informed our parents about the relationship and we responded in the affirmative. He then gave us a form to fill. It was like four pages long! I was like..wow! Apart from the regular background information, these are a few questions I can remember,

• Blood group and genotype
• Which parent were you closer to?
• How many siblings do you have?
• Are there any medical conditions that could affect your partner?
• Have you ever had an abortion?
• List 15 (yes 15) reasons why you want to marry this person?
• Are you born again?
• What was your experience of salvation?
• What do you understand by marriage?
• Did your parents have a good, average or poor marriage?
• What are your marital goals and how do you hope to achieve them?
• Where did you meet your partner?
• What are your thoughts on joint accounts for finance?
• What are your parents religious background?

If I remember the others, I will update the post. It took us almost an hour, see me thinking as if I was preparing for A' Levels! After skimming through our forms, he made one or two comments about some things we had written like Mr O's parents are separated and he just asked a few questions about that. Just before he left, he asked Mr O, so why Esther? He then posed the same question to me? I just realised now that neither of us used the word love! Interesting! We spent so much time writing answers although I would have really loved to read what his 15 reasons for wanting to marry me were!

Anyway, we've booked about 8 more appointments from July all the way to November, well there's no rush, we're not planning on getting married this year anyway, this year is about preparation and setting a solid foundation. My church is very big and I'm surprised my pastor still takes time to meet all couples intending to get married on a one to one basis. God bless him. So that's it, more updates as they come. It was really interesting!

Oh well!! We're still learning

So we didn't really have a great weekend. I'd really missed Mr O, because I'm more of a quality time love language person when we don't make time to see I start feeling somehow. I tried to communicate this to him, maybe not in the best of ways. Sometimes in trying to pass a point across, it comes off as being accusatory and so his response really UPSET me big time. God is good, I have learnt to stop reacting to situations but rather respond to them. I kept quiet where on a good day, I could give you double for your trouble!!Lol!

During the course of the weekend I spoke to my mentor (thank God for mentors!!) and she said something that made me see everything in a very different light!! I got a new perspective on how I filter situations through my paradigm and how a lot of times there's a difference between how I feel or think about something and the truth about that something. There is no space for self-centredness in a love story. It's about you, we and us and not me, me, me. I'll be honest, I still posed a bit (I believe this is a lady's prerogative just don't pose too much sha!!).

So we apologised, the situation didn't change, but we changed and we're both happy. In fact, I am very happy, Mr O just called and he's booked me an appointment for a facial at Clarins! Yay! Totally unexpected and out of the blue. I'm learning to understand his own language, oh yes I am!! So in summary what I've learnt is;

• Always communicate how you feel, sometimes it's better for the words to come out wrong than to say nothing at all
• Having said that, try your best not to come across as accusatory, use I more than you..I feel, I think e.t.c.
• Accept the fact that the other person might do something that makes you angry, even very angry but try to respond and not react, don't make a bad situation worse, if you didn't say anything no-one can point at what you said
• Also accept the fact that sometimes things will not be what you term ideal, remember ideal is a subjective word; your ideal might not be his/her ideal
• Remember that no matter what happens, you love the person and love covers a multitude of sins

Ok, that's my two cents today. Next update should be what happened in Pastor D's office!

XoXo

Pre-marital counselling!

We have our first on-on-one with my Pastor on the 25th. I feel both excited and nervous! Lol! I'll definitely update on how it went.

On days like this

I'd always wanted to keep this space as honest and truthful as possible, some days love just requires a bit more effort than others I guess.

On days like this
I wish
Love wasn't kind
or patient or humble
or held on to things that make me upset

On days like this
I wish
Love was self seeking
easily angered
wanting it's own way

On days like this
I wish
I could switch love off
so it wouldn't hurt
and I wouldn't cry

but

On days like this
I wish
but He speaks
and reminds me that
He is love

Rejoicing in truth
Protective, trustful
and persevering
In other words
Perfect

which makes me realise

On days like this
I wish that you
were perfect
and you're not but then neither I am
but He is and He can help us
work at it

(c) Esther Hadassah 2009

Inspired by a television show, a telephone conversation and Favoured Girl's Mr and Mrs Imperfect.

I want..

Something I wrote a while ago for my wonderful Mr O..

I want.......
To wake up every morning and find you next to me
To share my hopes and dreams with you
To laugh with you and cry with you as well
To show you the real me, no pretences
To know the real you, no pretences
To make mini-me's and mini you's
To be your number one fan
To be the safe place where your heart can reside
To be able to disagree with you but know you still love me
To forgive you when you hurt me and make me upset
To cook you your favourite meal and watch you wolf it down! LOL!
To pray with you as often as possible
To lie on the grass with you and listen to andrea bocelli and argue about what the words really mean
To learn the little things that make you smile and do them ever so often
To trust you with my heart and realize that I don't have to be so strong all the time
I want to do all these things just because.....Just because I love you!

(c) Esther Hadassah 2009

Needing you without being needy

I just finished reading "The Ten Commandments of Dating", it's a nice book, one that can be read at any stage of a relationship and even better before embarking on a relationship. The first commandment is titled "Thou shalt get a life", sometimes single people become so focused on wanting to have a partner that they freeze the rest of their life, waiting for Mr/Miss Right to show up so they can resume the process of living. I know before I got into this relationship, I had my phases when I had no life but thankfully they were short and far between as I realised that I couldn't really know when I would be in a relationship, so no use waiting before doing some certain things so I told God, I was going to start doing my things and enjoying myself.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend, she was telling me about a business idea that she had for a while and it was really interesting because from the sound of it, to me it seemed like this was what she had been born to do. As our conversation drew to a close, she commented that she would start the business when she got married. I was surprised, as in what does marriage have to do with it, she said well, if she had to leave her job it would be good to have the cushion of another income, presumably her husbands'.


I understand that may make sense on the surface but girlfriend was not even in a relationship at the time, so when will this dream come to fruition exactly, my point is I felt she was looking for an excuse for not taking the risk that comes with launching into the deep, not that I blame her but I asked myself what I had been subconsciously delaying while waiting for Mr Right and what my expectations of marriage were. Someone to pay the cable bills while I sort out the phone bills, someone to split the rent with, someone to have children with (at a point in my life, this was my only reason for getting married, I had lost faith in what I call the M word, marriage!)


Selwyn Hughes says that the greatest obstacle to Christian marriage is "when one expects to have their basic personal needs met by their partner". He isn't saying your partner should not fulfill some needs but not your basic needs. These basic needs are self-worth, security and significance. I have to start asking myself some questions? What do I really need from Mr O? Friendship, companionship, affirmation, does my sense of worth stem from the relationship I have with him? Sometimes I wonder if this relationship has become an idol in my life. I know relationships need to be nurtured but I worry that I'm spending so much time horizontally and not focusing enough on my vertical relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I think the issue doesn't stem so much from the fact that we shouldn't love our partners but we should love nothing and no one more than God. This week, I had a long talk with God about priorities, prioritising God above all else. It's just hard sometimes, keeping everything in balance especially as God is not someone I can call up on the phone or go round to visit or go to the movies with, funny isn't it how I forget so easily that He is always here. I'm learning about practicing the presence of God.


I've always believed we should need our partners, after all why are we in relationships? I need Mr O's humour, calmness, support and rational approach to things to help me with my often harried lifestyle. It's just that fine line between needing someone and being a needy person. I see a needy person as someone that can't do without their partner. Pastor encourages couples to say to each other, "I can live without you (pause for effect) but I choose not to". I think that sums it up, we don't hold on so tightly to a person like we can't breathe if they aren't there. Aloted did a nice post on this here. I know I have a tendency to be clingy but sometimes to combat that I go to the other end of the spectrum, being totally aloof! Lol, help me Lord to live a balanced life.

Now, I'm aware of this, my prayer is for GOD to teach me about balance in all that I do and I'm sure keeping Him in the first position in my heart is a good place to start. Funny, how this post turned out, this wasn't how or even what I intended to write about but it's all good.

Till next time,

XoXo

Yummy recipes

As I prepare to be a Mrs, I want to try and cover all fronts; necessary for a balanced life methinks. Just a few recipes I've 'stolen' from the internet, I'm trying to be more adventerous in the kitchen. I'll give credits later but acknowledge that none of this recipes are mine. Feel free to try them out.

Xoxo.

Vegetarian Lasagna
You need:

Onions (1 1/2 - 2 large ones)
Garlic
Bay leaves
Tinned tomatoes (or real ones) 3 cans
Double concentrate tomatoes
Cinnamon
1 maggi cube (stock cube?)
Eggplant (2)
Olive oilCheese1)

First slice the eggplant into as thin slices as possible. Spread a little salt over each slice and let them rest for 30 minutes. This will drain some of the water out. After 30 minutes, put them in the oven with a little oil on 200 degrees C for about 15-20 minutes.

2)Whilst doing this, make the sauce. Start by cutting onions into tiny pieces, fry them with garlic in olive oil. Depends how much you like garlic, but at least 2-3 of them. Mix in 3-4 table spoons of double concentrate tomatoes and the maggi cube. Let it fry for a little bit. Add the tinned tomatoes, bay leaves and cinnamon. It's hard to explain how much, just let it look ok and taste along the way! When you put too much, you'll end up with a too bitter taste. Something that could help for this is add a teaspoon or two of sugar and some more tomatoes. Let this sauce simmer for like 1 hour but TASTE along the way to make sure its good!

3)Lay the slices of eggplant in the bottom of a casserole , just like you would with a lasagna. Layer with the sauce. Then repeat. Put sauce on the top, and some swiss cheese or something.

4) Put it in the oven for 20-30 minutes 200 degrees celcius. Delicious! Can be served with brown rice, sweet potatoes or ordinary potatoes. Really good with tzatziki too.This is how you make tzatziki: Grater half a cucumber into some plain low fat yoghurt, squeeze one garlic into it.Yes - I know garlic gives bad breath but whatever. it IS healthy.Last tip I have - Always try to make your salads as dark green as possible. Contains way more vitamins and nutrition. Spinach leaves works just fine and are very healthy.

Plantain vegetable stew
Awesome way to eat boiled plantain. Add tomatoes, vegetables (spinach), seasoning (like u r cooking stew), and chop the plantain in cubes. It is very, very yummy. Even the one made with green plantain.

Vegetable soup

Ingredients
3 sticks of celery , sliced
2 baking potatoes, diced
1 small/medium onion, diced
1/2-1 leek, sliced
4 small/medium tomatoes, chopped
2 carrots, sliced
1 vegetable stock in 600-800ml hot water
A large pot/pan

Method
1.Put all the vegetables in a pan to fry briefly for a few minutes.

2.Once the vegetables start to steam, add stock and salt.

3.Bring to boil then simmer with a lid on for about 30 minutes or until vegetables are soft.

4.Add pepper if desired and enjoy.
Serves: 2-4
Preparation time: 30 mins
Cooking time: 30-40 mins


Leek and potato soup recipe
Ingredients
Onion, chopped ?
1Leeks, chopped ?
3Large potatoes, chopped ?
2300ml veg or chicken stock
300ml semi skimmed milk
50ml dry white wine
Salt and pepper

Making Method
1. Put all of the vegetables, milk and stock into a large saucepan and bring to the boil.? Simmer on a lower heat for around 25 minutes.
2. Puree in a food processor or blender until it is all smooth.
3. Get a fresh pan and pour in the mixture, add the seasoning and the wine.? Heat soup through.
4. Serve immediately.
Serves: 4Total Preparation Time: 5 minutesTotal Cooking Time: 30 minutes

Chicken noodle soup

Ingredients
900ml chicken stock
1 boneless, skinless chicken breast,
about 175g/6oz1 garlic clove , finely chopped
1tsp fresh root ginger (chopped)
2 shredded spring onions
50g rice or wheat noodles
2 tbsp sweetcorn2-3 thinly sliced mushrooms
2 tsp soy sauce , plus a little extra for serving
mint or basil leaves
shredded chilli

Method
1. Pour the chicken stock into a medium sized pan, add the chicken, garlic & ginger and then bring to the boil. Once boiling reduce the heat, partly cover and allow to simmer for around 20 mins, the chicken will go tender during this time. After 20 mins is up take out the chicken and using a fork shred it into small bit sized pieces.
2. Place the chicken shred back into the stock with the noodles, corn, half the spring onion, mushrooms and the soy sauce. Simmer for around 4 mins until the noodles are soft and tender. Using a ladle pour the soup into two bowls and sprinkle the remaining onions, herbs and chilli shreds over each bowl.
Serves: 4Preparation time: 10 mins Cooking time: 30 mins

The recipes look simple enough, I've never cooked from a recipe before so I'm looking forward to it. Will be back to share on the experience!

Knowing me and knowing you...

Yesterday, I allowed my mum to make me upset, I used the word allowed because to be upset or react with any emotion is a choice we have the power to make. The fact that someone says something that is provoking doesn't mean I have to be provoked. Selah!

So what happened? She came into a room in which I happened to be jejely browsing the net and said, "Esther, you may have problems with Mr O because you are quite disorganised whilst you know he likes things being in order, get yourself organised!! Trust Mummy Esther, she just says it as it is, no sugar-coating, just RAW! I got upset because 1. the mess wasn't mine 2. in all honesty, no-one ever likes when they are criticised. However, I'm learning to assess all critical comments that come my way in a way that will be constructive to my life, her words also got me thinking about the differences between I and Mr O.

No I'm not a messy person (stop rolling your eyes I'm not). I just have a higher tolerance for clutter than Mr O and my mum. What I can't abide is dust, my area might be cluttered but never dirty or dusty. So here we are, 2 people learning to walk together in love and in Christ but yet different. I think it's important to be aware of what our differences are and how we can use them to work for us and not against us. I can only do this if I take the time to know first of all who I am and next who he is. It's about knowing me and knowing you. From time to time, I like to critically access myself and check how I'm growing, if I'm getting better at things I need to work on, if I'm relaxing in areas I need to be putting in more effort. Thank God for His grace, He is the only one who can empower us to change into the transformed person He wants us to be. So how are we different?

• Though we're from the same country, we're from different ethnic groups, different languages, different cultures
• We support different football teams in the English Premiership, different countries in international matches, this is usually no biggie as I know I support the best team (no discussion!)
• He's the spender, I'm the saver
• He's sanguine, I'm more melancholic
• He's so English (prim, proper, minding your p's and q's, compulsive tea drinker) in his style and mannerisms, I tend to be more American (carefree, friendly and open, don't really like caffeinated drinks!!)
• He's OCD when it comes to arranging while I'm not
• His parents are separated and mine are not (at least in terms of living together)
• His background is social sciences while I am pure sciences. I never realised that your education has a way of influencing the way you live!
• We attend different churches although we both have a Pentecostal background
• I hate ironing and he loves ironing (laundry issues settled! hopefully)

I can't really remember more at this point but will update as I go along. With our differences however are similarities like we both love God and each other. We have good relationships with our siblings, we both have a great sense of humour and love to gossip!

I believe that we are all created by God as unique individuals. Whilst some differences might be grating on the nerves sometimes, I believe there are essential to a relationship because two different pairs of eyes will see broader than a pair as long as we are working in unity. However, similarities are important in some essential areas to provide a good foundation and stability. The Bible says it is difficult for two people to walk together except they are agreed. This is especially important with regards to faith.

By the grace of God, I pray to be more aware of myself, of Mr O with regards to our strengths and weaknesses and how we can build our relationships on our strengths using them to propel us forward and I trust God by His grace that this will be so.

Still learning, loving and growing.

XoXo..